ME: I cooked some broccoli for you, and broiled some chicken.
HIM: Oh I picked up something from Whole Foods–roast chicken.
ME: Fine.. If you would rather have STRANGERS cook your food than me… that’s FINE with ME!
HIM: They’re not strangers, I’ve been going there since we got married.
ME: I’m making some boullabaisse for dinner but it’s just for me.
HIM: (Relieved) NO problem.
ME: You don’t have to look so happy you don’t have to eat it. My boullabaisse is great.
HIM: Your boullabaisse taste like Cream of Tsunami.
ME: My boullabaisse is SO good when I’m cooking it if you knock on the front door the back door will say “come in”.
HIM: Absurd and nonsensical… just like your belief that Catfish broth is a desirable secret ingredient in boullabaisse. There are no Catfish in france.
ME: Oh please… where have you been… In a cave with Donna Reed? Haven’t you ever heard of immersion de poisson-chat et de fromage?
HIM: No. What the hell is that?
ME: Catfish and Cheese dip… the last thing Marie Antoinette had before she went to the guillotine… a little known fact.
HIM: I did not know that.
ME: Well if you’d spend less time reading about Empires, military coups, and what’s going on in Washington and more time reading about the Great Divas that preceded me in history you’d know these crucial facts.