HIM: (Opening Mail)

ME: Happy Easter.

HIM: You’re going to hell.

ME: What’s wrong?

HIM: I got a letter from Costco about you!

ME: I HATE Costco, it’s an exercise in lesbianism.

HIM: So are you! LISTEN TO THIS:

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Dear Mr. Schallert,

Over the past year, your “life partner” has caused repeated commotions in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and subsequently are forced to revoke your membership and permanently ban both of you from all Costco stores. Our complaints against Dr.Gordon are listed below and are well documented by video surveillance and substantiated by employees and patrons:


June 15: Made a trail of orange juice leading into the men’s bathroom.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and demanded to put a jar of dill pickles on layaway

August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up several tents in the camping department and told the children of minority shoppers that Harry Potter was having a muggles and wizards camping party and they could come if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department and wait in the tents to which 20 children did and refused to leave.

September 15: When a manager asked him to apologize for event, he convinced minority shoppers that the manager was racist and that Costco was having a Harry Potter party but only allowing white children to attend. This resulted in a barrage of unfounded customer and consumer advocacy complaints and many hours of internal paperwork.

October 4: Looked directly into the security camera and picked his nose.

November 10: Scattered empty antidepressant bottles around the gun section of the hunting department.

December 20: Dressed up as an impostor Costco Santa Claus and invited adult male patrons and employees to sit on his lap.


January 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

February 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

March 1: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ resulting in an alarmed patron calling 9-1-1.

March 15: Took a box of condoms and asked various patrons where the fitting room was?

April 2: Filled all of the sinks in the men’s bathroom with water and flotated unwrapped baby ruth bar in each one.


ME: See what I mean they have no sense of humor at Costco… lesbians I swear.

HIM: Sometimes I think there’s 2 monkeys and 1 banana in your head.

ME: (thinking… evil comic genius is so unrequited in this world… I repeatedly TOLD him not to make me go to Costco).