The phone rings wakes me up.
HIM: Hi honey it’s me. I miss you.
ME: It’s 8:00 in the morning how could you possibly miss me already.
HIM: I got up at 5:00 to go swim at 5:30…so it’s been 3 hours.
ME: I need my beauty rest. You know Cynthia is coming today… and I need to look my absolute best.
HIM: She’s one of your best friends. It won’t matter how you look.
ME: You are so naive. That’s EXACTLY why it matters.
ME: Do the math. We met when were actresses at Paramount. She’s a gorgeous blonde, and she still looks flawless
HIM: You’re prettier than she is.
ME: Of course I am, but she has an environmental advantage… she retired to an area of the country where you can breathe the air and drink the water! That Bitch!
HIM: Why is she coming to LA?
ME: She’s not coming to LA, she’s coming to Bel Air… you know it’s that heiress thing she’s got going on… one more thing to annoy me…
HIM: So she’s coming to town to annoy you?
ME: No, she’s coming to LA to see that cute celebrity chiropractor in Santa Monica because she dislocated her vagina…. being able to annoy me while she’s here is just an added perk.
HIM: What? How do you do you dislocate a vagina?
ME: Aren’t you listening to me? I TOLD you she retired to a place where they have air and unpolluted water… and in places like that men are men and women are grateful
CYN CYN ARRIVES!!!
Me & My Old Friend
ME: Cyn Cyn how are you? (we Hollywood kiss)
HER: Boom Boom… I’ve missed you so. Did you lose weight? You look a little thinner
ME: 200 pounds thinner.
HER: I thought the third chin was missing.
ME: (Looking at face closely) hmmm…
ME: I thought I saw crows feet… but crows don’t have 16 toes….
HER: (Strategic Subject change) Do you remember when I was dating that mafia guy and we went to the opening of his restaurant.
ME: Yes, and somebody threw a malatov cocktail through the window.
HER: And what about that time at Alice Cooper’s Birthday Party, when those rich Arabs got into fight with that African Prince over me….
ME: That was not over you. That was over both of us.
HER: Whatever… I just remember, Michael Jackson’s security throwing people around and the elastic on your panties snapping and your panties falling off.
ME: And I hid them in the potted palm.
HER: And the club owner called you up the next day and said he found some panties in a plant that could ONLY belong to you.
ME: And I KNOW you gave him my number. Cause I know you did him.
HER: I did do him, but every bartender and bouncer in the place had your number. He did NOT get it from me.
ME: (We laugh) Those were the good old days…. cocaine, hedonism, and wild boys….
HER: Now its metamucil, herbalism, and wild rice.
Me & Cyn Cyn at Leaf
HER: So what are you having?
ME: I’m thinking a small salad.
HER: These collard green wraps and the vegan lasagna look good, and the desserts look great.
ME I love raw food. I always feel so much more satisfied.
HER: Me too. Get what you want, it’s my treat.
ME: Remember the old days when we never had to worry about paying for anything?
HER: Yeah, there’s was always some guy dying to pick up the tab. But we’re past that. We’re spiritual now.
ME: Yeah we are. This tofu thing looks interesting, but I hate tofu…
HER: Me too. I don’t want anything white and slimy sliding down my throat unless it’s coming out a man that has his own jet…
ME: Hi honey
HIM: What did you do?
ME: Why do you think I did something?
HIM: I know the tone.
ME: Well actually there was a teeny, tiny mishap, BUT there’s good and bad news…
HIM: Go on.
ME: Well you know that surf thingy of yours in the driveway.
HIM: My SURF SKI?
ME: Yeah, that.
HIM: What happened?
ME: I was leaving to go for a drive along PCH, and I thought I was in drive, but I was in reverse… and I ran over it.
HIM: You RAN OVER MY SURF SKI???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COST? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED MY SURF SKI???????????????????????
ME: (start crying) You love it more than me.
HIM: No I don’t. Don’t cry. I hate it when you cry. STOP CRYING,
ME: It’s a thing and I’m a person.
HIM: I know. I’m sorry. Just stop crying.
HIM: So you said there was good and bad news. What’s the good news?
ME: I didn’t scratch my car.
ME: Hi honey. I’m with girlfriends at Venice Beach.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: We’re going to go see Tito.
HIM: (jealous) You’re in love with Tito.
ME: No I’m not.
HIM: Then why are you going to his station.
ME: My girlfriends are in love with him, and I can’t control them.
HIM: Tito, Tito, Tito, I’m sick of hearing about Tito.
ME: Well we could come to your station.
HIM: No, go see Tito. PLEASE. Do NOT come to my station unless you are prepared to obey the rules.
ME: See that’s why we like Tito, his beach is more Diva-Friendly… than your Nazi, “no alcohol, no drugs, no topless sunbathing, no skinny dipping” on the beach.
HIM: I allow topless sunbathing and skinny dipping… just not for your age group.
HIM: (checking up on me… jealousy is an UGLY god) Hi honey…
ME: Oh hi. I just talked to you.
HIM: I know….I just wanted to tell you that I’m not mad about the surf ski.
ME: Oh that’s nice.
HIM: What’s all that noise? Where are you?
ME: We’re at the Miramar in Santa Monica. One of my girlfriends ran into one of the business men that she used to know before she became an actress… and he’s treating us to lunch.
HIM: You guys are disgusting.
ME: Honey I can’t talk right now, my lobster just arrived.
An Hour Later…
HIM: Hi, I just wanted to know if you wanted me to pick up anything on my way home for dinner.
ME: I’m driving and I don’t have my headset.
HIM: Okay I’ll let you get on with your rough day
ME: Don’t be sarcastic. You have no idea how rough this day is.
HIM: Oh yeah driving up PCH with your bimbo posse.. in a convertible, having rich old men buy you expensive lunches… REAL rough.
ME: Listen,the sun is blistering hot out here, and we have the top down…. and that’s rough!!!
HIM: Well put the top up.
ME: We can’t do that. We’re nice.
HIM: First of all you guys are NOT nice, and second of all, what does that have to do with anything.
ME: If we put the top up, how are people supposed to enjoy us?
An hour later…
ME: Hi honey… I’m not driving now. I’m calling you back about dinner. Yeah… pick up whatever you want to eat… I’ll be too exhausted by the time I get back to cook.
HIM: Where are you?
ME: At the Malibu Inn…
HIM: What are you doing there?
ME: Well we were thirsty, and I know the owner, he was a pro football player… and he likes me… he’s from Minnesota… and he always gives me and my friends free drinks…
HIM: What? Who is this guy? Is he gay?
ME: I don’t know. I never asked him. You know I never bother with details like that.
HIM: What do you mean by that? When are you going home? Are you drinking?
ME: I’m having Perrier.
HIM: Well you should go home. I don’t like these floozies you hang out with.
ME: i gotta go honey… we’re going to the colony to play Security Code.
HIM: Wait.. what’s that?
ME: (thinking… Lobster Free, Sparking water free, Using his last nerve as a trampoline… PRICELESS).
HIM: What the hell is Security Code?:
ME: It’s just a game i like to play with these girls. We drive around the colony in Malibu, and find all the house we use to party at, or…
HIM: Or WHAT…
ME: or Whatever… and we see who can remember the most security gate codes.
HIM: And the purpose of this game is.
ME: To win.
HIM: NO, I mean why would you guys do this.
ME: Well I do it because my hippocampus is not all it could be.. and this is a memory exercise. i don’t know why they do it.
HIM: They do it because they are shallow, vacuous, hedonistic, egotistical, vain sluts… and you shouldn’t be hanging out with them. WHEN are you going home?
ME: I’m going home right after this. Gotta go… i see a gate I remember… Byyyyeeeeee.
(hang up the phone)
ME: Well girls, that should do it… I think I pretty much took his mind off me destroying his surf ski…. (We laugh)
Cyn Cyn: Men are so stupid.
Bitsy: Yeah, but that’s a good thing.
ME: It is.. but you can imagine my pain for having to be one of them.
Cyn Cyn: You’re not one of them. You’re DEFINITELY one of us… (we laugh)
Back at home that night…
HIM: How was your visit with Cynthia?
ME: Terrible, she looks fabulous.
HIM: You and your girlfriends are so weird… you’re so vicious and competitive with each other.
ME: No we’re not. We love each other.
HIM: All you do is look for flaws in each other and insult each other.
ME: That’s not all we do. We also talk about how our husbands are in bed.
HIM: I’m leaving. WHY are you so catty?
ME: Basic Biology: Kittens grow up to be cats. Ask Kitty O’KeefeL