ME & GOD
HER: Well so how do you feel?
ME: Relieved not to have cancer.
HER: And so what did you learn?
ME: That you will take care of me.
HER: Yes, but no…
ME: That Robert really believes he looks younger than me.
HER: Wrong again–
ME: That I have unfinished work to do.
HER: Yes, but NO… come on think… I don’t have all day for this, I’m God I’m busy. Get the pigeons off your antenna and tune in 2012.
ME: What then?
HER: ughhhh…. remind me to give your grade school teachers a few days off from purgatory for service beyond the call of duty.
ME: Well I learned about radio active isotopes.
HER: You learned about radio active isotopes in high school and promptly forgot it college during your disco/drug years.
ME: Don’t judge me.
HER: All right I will spell it out for you. What was most frightening to you about this?
ME: Thinking about what the future might bring, and things that I wish I had and had not done.
HER: What does that tell you?
ME: That you’re a lesbian.
HER: I would have made you prettier if I knew you’d be this dumb.
ME: Don’t make me become an atheist.
HER: You’re such a drama queen.
ME: Me… You’re the drama queen… what about all your floods, plagues and famines?
HER: What about ’em…. you want a piece of this… I can have a hoard of locust in your room in one second.
ME: No I’m good.
HER: I thought so, now WHAT did you LEARN from this?
ME: I learned that I can only stress out about thing that are in the future or the past. There is no anxiety in the present… And that the future and the past are only valid when they’re the present. Now are you happy?
HER: Are you?
ME: Yeah, but just one thing…. you could’ve given colored people better hair.