ME & THE VISITING NUN
HER: It says your Catholic… I am Sister Mary Agnes from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows. I came by yesterday and this morning but there were TV cameras and photographers here they wouldn’t let me in.
ME: Sorry about that. It’s about my TV show.
HER: So are you famous?
ME: Honey if you have to ask somebody if they are famous… they are NOT famous…
HER: What’s your parish?
ME: St. Augustine’s By The Sea
HER: NIce parish. You attend Mass every Sunday?
ME: Not exactly.
HER: When was the last time you went?
ME: Midnight Mass Christmas–I’m good until Easter.
HER: (Stern look) You are supposed to go to Mass EVERY Sunday. Do you want to spend a unnecessary time in Purgatory?
ME: I think that train has pretty much left the station.
HER: Oh you think you’re funny.. you won’t be laughing on Judgement Day. When was your last confession?
ME: To a priest, the IRS or my husband?
HER: You cannot have husband you are a man.
ME: You see these lines on my face–doll you don’t get these lines without having a husband for A LONG time. TRUST me.
HER: You don’t have a husband you have a friend. Men cannot marry. The Holy Mother Church forbids it. Men and Men are Friends NOT husbands.
ME: Trust me honey, me and this man are NOT friends… we are married.
HER: It’s an abomination in the eyes of God.
ME: Oh honey, where have you been in a cave with St. Brigit’s relics… Haven’t you heard… God’s a lesbian… I was just blowing up her digits this morning. We’re good.
HER: God is NOT what you said.
ME: I’m pretty sure, she loves contact sports, sensible shoes and drab colors. Wears a LOT of plaid.
HER: (Furious) If you were not in the hospital I would smack you.
ME: Yeah and we would be on the news…. (I wink at her) unless of course I liked it.
HER: (shocked… silent) Good-bye I will pray for your soul. A priest will come on Sunday to hear your confession and give you communion.
ME: Let’s pray together.
HER: You want to pray?
ME: Yeah I’m good on my knees… 10,000 sailors and 500 priests can’t be wrong.
HER: You are going STRAIGHT to hell.
ME: Yeah…. The smart money is pretty much on that… but just roll with it… “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
HER: Very nice. The Prayer of St. Francis.
ME: Yeah and you know what.. I’ve improved on it… “God grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept.” What do you think?
HER: I think you will enjoy hell.