(Outside USC Keck waiting for the car to take me home…. talking to a Campus Police Officer)
HIM: So what kind of doctor are you?
ME: Brain… I don’t go below the neck. But in your case I might make an exception.
ME: I love a man in uniform, especially when he’s out of it.
HIM: HUH? (Crosses his arm)
ME: Relax honey… if you’re going to run around here dripping in muscles and all butchalicious… you’re going to get flirted with. It’s your fault for looking so good.
HIM: (smiles) Just so you know, I’m straight.
ME: Good! no question of whose going to be on top… USUALLY
HIM: (freaking out) No, no, no… I like girls…
ME: And I’m sure they LOVE you. Is it my imagination or is that nightstick bigger than other cops.
HIM: No it’s the standard regulation issue night stick.
ME: Cute and dumb… this is going to be fun and easy.
ME: Honey that’s not the night stick I was talking about.
HIM: OH? Oh… oh… no wait doc… I like you… cause you’re not quite as lame as the other doctors… but I like pussy.
ME: Me too but I prefer Angora kitties and they shed terribly.
HIM: No I’m not talking about cats. I’m talking about women… I’m completely straight.
ME: Come on you’re a cop… prison.. there’s no such thing as completely straight… you know that.
HIM: Well that’s different. And we’re not in prison.
ME: We could be. I got a dungeon at my house.
HIM: (Curious) Really? (processes it) Oh HELL NO!
ME: Don’t flatter yourself honey… I’m just shopping not buying… my husband would seriously hurt both of us. He’s LA’s only white Crip. He’s dangerous!
HIM: Are you serious?
ME: (lying of course) yeah, he’s always strapped. He’s been in the crips for years. You know you can’t get out once you’re in.
HIM: No not that. I don’t care about that shit. I’ll light his gang banger ass up. I’m talking about you being married. You’re married?
HIM: And you were hitting on me? I’m insulted. You just wanted a fling. You are not REALLY interested in ME for who I am. You’re just into my body.
ME: Yeah, well, true, but what else do you have?
HIM: I have a lot a things. But you’ll never find out. You just want one thing… and if you want that you’re going to have to buy me something REAL EXPENSIVE.
ME: How about a car?
HIM: (Excited) That will work.
ME: How about I just give you 20 bucks.
HIM: WHAT? OH HELL TO THE FUCKING NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
ME: We’ve established WHAT you are. Now we’re just quibbling over price.
HIM: Man you’re giving me a headache….
ME: And I can fix that… now which head are we talking about?