HIM: Wake up, I just wanted to say Good morning, going to work, good bye.
ME: What time is it?
HIM: 5:00 a.m. gotta run I’m late.
ME: Late? The sand isn’t even at the beach at this hour.
HIM: Trust me, surfers are at the beach.
ME: Fine, good night.
HIM: Don’t rearrange the plants on the back patio. I have them in the right places to get the right amount of sun.
ME: (Thinking: oh that’s right, THAT’S what I have to do today… rearrange the pots on the back patio and correct the feng shui) Of course not… I will leave them just like you had them. I trust your judgement implicitly.
HIM: (sighs deeply) You’re lying… You’re going to rearrange the back patio.
ME: How DARE YOU accuse me of lying!
HIM: Not accusing you, busting you. I know that tone.
ME: It’s not a lie until I do it.
HIM: Well you’re getting better. It used to be it’s not a lie unless I could prove it. But please don’t change the plants around.
ME: I have to, to clean the energy flow of our domestic environment—feng shui
HIM: It’s not feng shui, it’s OCD. it’s your latest phase.
ME: It’s NOT obsessive compulsive disorder. Although I don’t have a problem with that… it’s a very useful disorder for tidying.
HIM: And since WHEN have you been tidy? You were so messy when I met you I didn’t even think you were gay.
ME: I was wearing a dress and had 8-inch orange nails when you met me.
HIM: Yeah but the first time I spent the night at your apartment the Dust Bunnies gave me a welcome basket.
HIM: I’m just saying it’s like your brain is buying scratchers from the American Psychological Association. Oh look three OCD’s this week. Last week I got 3 gender identity disorders. I almost won an anxiety disorder, but I only got 2…
ME: #1: OCD is an anxiety disorder, #2) Psychology is not a real science it’s just white people trying to make people be boring like you… neuroscience is a real science.
HIM: Well if nothing else your arrogance and hatred of white men remains a constant. Don’t rearrange the plants.
ME: (lying) I promise I won’t. (not lying per se) And I don’t hate white men, you’re white enough to be the editor of the Bavarian Daily… and I married you.
HIM: Just to punish me for being white.
ME: That’s ridiculous. I married you to punish you for being a USC Frat boy.
HIM: (Sighs Deeply) And all these years, I thought it was a coincidence that our wedding day was on the same day they created the term “rough gig”.