ME: I want to have a word with you.
HIM: Oh oh. What’s wrong?
ME: Tucker called me. You remember Tucker, you remember the child you sired out of wedlock, well not OUT of wedlock cause you were MARRIED TO ME.
HIM: Yes, yes, yes. What happened?
ME: He wanted to know what I wanted for Mother’s Day.
HIM: Oh yeah, he asked me what you wanted.
ME: I know and THAT is what I am pissed about. You told him to get me a mirror or ask for my autograph?
HIM: I was joking.
ME: No you weren’t.
HIM: I was, I SWEAR. He wants all of us, me, you, Laylee and Brooke to go out to brunch on Mother’s Day.
ME: What are we the Brady Bunch goes to hell?
HIM: I think it’s a good idea. We’re a blended family now.
ME: Yes, thanks to blended drinks.
HIM: Let it go. He wants you there cause Laylee’s going to be there.
ME: I know (laughing) that’s SO unfortunate–for Brooke.
HIM: And he’s young and naive enough to think you like Laylee just cause of that little trick you helped him pull to spend Christmas with Laylee in Jackson Hole.
ME: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
HIM: You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. You don’t like Laylee any more than Brooke does. It’s just you LOVE the fact that Brooke doesn’t like her.
ME: I don’t have to be nice to yo’ baby’s mamma.
HIM: Please I HATE that. baby’s mamma, it’s SO ghetto.
ME: So is getting drunk at a Frat reunion and impregnating a bimbo.
HIM: It wasn’t ghetto. You should look at the bigger picture.
ME: Which is?
HIM: Thanks to me, you get a Mother’s Day present now.
ME: I never thought about it like that. So, you know what mirror I really like… the LED, but it’s too expensive for Tucker to buy for me–YOU SHOULD GET IT for me.
HIM: You’re SUCH AN EVIL BITCH.
ME: You’re welcome.