HIM: Hi honey I’m home. How was your day?
ME: One repossessed double wide and a dead dog away from a Country and Western Song
HIM: What happened?
ME: There was a table malfunction at USC and my finger got smashed.
HIM: That’s terrible.
ME: Well not really.
HIM: Why not?
ME: Because I can take some oxycodone without guilt.
HIM: Why don’t you just try a Tylenol?
ME: Cause I don’t like to squander opportunities and how often do I get a legitimate reason to do a schedule IV drug.
HIM: You’ll never change.
ME: What? I have TOTALLY changed.
HIM: No you’re still a druggie
ME: Not practicing. What is your problem… I don’t do drugs anymore.
HIM: Thanks to me. Cause I told you if you didn’t stop doing drugs I’d leave you.
ME: Well that makes you a liar cause I’m high as hell and you’re still here.
HIM: From ONE oxycodone?
ME: Who takes just ONE oxycodone? That’s like eating one M & M.
HIM: You’re just seedy, seedy, seedy!
ME: I am not seedy and never have been seedy. Over medicated perhaps but NEVER seedy!
HIM: Oh please, when I first started dating you I use to have to sneak you past canaries. I’m going to bed.
ME: Come on let’s stay up and finger paint.
HIM: No, and we don’t even have any finger paint.
ME: We have drugs, we don’t need finger paint.