Always Look A Gift Camellia In The Mouth

HIM: Honey I bought you a camellia.
ME: You bought that for you. I HATE camellias. I want a bird of paradise and some palms. Palms are on sale for $10.
HIM: Palms are all wrong and I HATE bird of paradise.
ME: They’re orange and orange looks great on me.
HIM: Then go to the Beverly Hills Hotel, and sit by the driveway, they have them all over the place… tacky, tacky.
ME: This is about your childhood issues with the Beverly Hills Hotel and getting in trouble for vandalism.
HIM: It wasn’t vandalism. We were recreating the Swiss Family Robinson’s in our back yard, and we just dug up some of their tacky bird of paradise to make it look island like.
ME: Well vandalism was the charge.
HIM: Yeah, yeah, WHATever. They didn’t do anything except call our moms. I would have rather gone to jail. Anyway, NO birds of paradise, and NO palms.
ME: What’s the purpose of living in California if we have to have boring plants?
HIM: Camellias aren’t boring. Palm trees don’t go with the garden. There are palm trees all over our street, all over the city, we don’t need them in our yard.
ME: Yes we do. They’re lush and tropical and they frame me well, and they’re only 10 bucks. AND We only need two.
HIM: The purpose of the garden is not to frame you… and landscaping is an art.
ME: And Art is random, and what is the purpose of a garden if it’s not to frame it’s master.
HIM: To please it’s master’s master.
ME: (Long silence)
HIM: You’re going to make that last comment racial aren’t you?
ME: (Silent)
HIM: Oh come on! You KNOW I was joking.
ME: (Silent)
HIM: I’ve been married to you for 25 years, how much of a racist can I be? You’re more racist than me. You makes slurs about EVERY ethnic group. You’re a black red neck.
ME: (Silent… On the 20 I smell the goal line)
HIM: You know that was not a racial slur. You’re just doing that to get those goddamn palm trees!
ME: (silent…First and goal… just run it up the middle)
HIM: Okay fine, I’ll get your goddamn palm trees!!!!
ME: (Thinking: And he scores!! Now was that so difficult… why doesn’t he just learn to give me what I want… would save a lot of time)

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