(Me and the Lymph Massage Therapist)
HIM: Hi Dr. Gordon, My name is Steve, the woman who usually does your lymph massage had to get her TB test so I’ll be doing you.
ME: Oh if only that could be true.
ME: Hmmm… butchalicious AND slow… Maybe God’s not a lesbian after all)
My phone rings: “The Victors” Ringtone.
HIM: Oh you’re a Michigan fan.
ME: It’s my alma mater.
HIM: Really? (His eyes light up) You guys stole our coach.
ME: Oh you went to San Diego State?
HIM: Yeah, I played football there.
ME: Really? (My eyes light up) Well that explains your body by death.
HIM: (Blushes) I try to stay in shape. Could you spread your legs?
ME: For you? Anytime.
HIM: (laughs) You’re funny.
ME: Funny, creepy, any adjective ending in a y pretty much works. Is that wide enough?
HIM: Yeah, you’re good.
ME: When I’m bad I’m even better.
HIM: Oh wow! Dr. Gordon, what’s going to come out of your mouth next!
ME: If I were you honey, I’d be more worried about what was going to go into my mouth next.
HIM: You know I’m straight… right?
ME: You know that doesn’t phase me… right?
HIM: Dr. Gordon, are you sexually harassing me?
ME: If you have to ask, no. (feeling guilty) Okay I’ll stop.
HIM: I didn’t say you had to stop.
ME: (Thinking: Oh I see poodles in this one’s future. Thank God I’m just shopping, not buying)
HIM: So what kind of doctor are you?
ME: Twisted, but my speciality is the brain. I don’t go below neck.
HIM: (Joking) I find that hard to believe.
ME: Well take off your pants and let’s see if you’re right.
HIM: Touche! (laughs) I didn’t see that coming. (laughs some more)
ME: So what position did you play?
ME: Inside or outside?
HIM: Outside I had a little speed back in college.
ME: I had a LOT of speed back in college.
HIM: Oh were you an athlete?
ME: No, drug addict.