HIM: Justin Bieber is disgusting. He looks like a girl.
ME: That’s a sexist remark.
HIM: And he says the stupidest things like that comment on rape and abortion.
ME: Who listens to a 16 year old? He just got pubic hair last week.
HIM: Well he disgusts me.
ME: Hmmm… do I detect a little jealousy here?
HIM: WHAT? Why would I be jealous of him?
ME: You know you hate other blondes.
HIM: That’s a lie! You say that but I do not.
ME: Name one blonde that you like.
HIM: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Nicole Kidman, Kat Ahlers, Cynthia Burr, Lillian Muller,
ME: Name one blonde GUY that you like.
ME: I’m waiting.
HIM: My brother.
ME: Name one that’s NOT in your family.
HIM: Well if you’re going to be an asshole about this…
ME: Just saying. You should really strive to get to some higher spiritual ground. You don’t see me hating people who have the same hair color as me.
HIM: Cause you’d hate everybody. Cause you’ve had every hair color there is.
ME: So I dyed my hair a couple of times. Don’t judge me.
HIM: A couple of times? You’ve dyed your hair so many times and different colors your dandruff looks like juju bees.
ME: I don’t have dandruff.
HIM: Who knows what’s under those pubes on your head.
ME: (thinking: why must you make me destroy you first thing in the morning?) Speaking of pubes I was looking at naked pictures of Brad Pitt.
HIM You were looking at naked pictures of Brad Pitt! You’re disgusting! Brad Pitt is disgusting. He’s not that good looking. And he’s a terrible actor. I don’t know WHAT people see in Brad Pitt. I’m going swimming… f**k you!
ME: (thinking: my work is almost done here…) Honey would you bring me back some cauliflower… I wanna make that eggplant cauliflower lamb.
HIM: Have Brad Pitt pick up your goddamn cauliflower! Asshole! (Slams the front door so hard one of the panes of French glass doors shatter) Oh f**k NOW I have to fix this damn door. I HATE you. You make me SO UPSET!
ME: (thinking: my work is ALMOST but not quite done,)
(He leaves for the hardware store… LIVID… I got into the kitchen and make French Toast…he returns with the glass to fix the window…)
HIM: what’s this?
ME: I made you breakfast.
HIM: (Wanting to be pissed, but he can NEVER resist a sugary, carby meal) Well I suppose I could have a bite.
ME: Yeah, a good breakfast is important.
(He wolfs down the French toast… now he feels guilty, carb overloaded and lethargic…he replaces the pane)
HIM: I’ll be right back.
ME: Where you going?
HIM: To get the cauliflower for you.
ME: (thinking: NOW my work is done)