BOTTOMS at the Beach

HIM: I had a TERRIBLE day.

ME: (thinking: Oh let the fun begin) Really what happened (As if I don’t know)

HIM: it was a HORRIBLE! Two clubs decided to have a outing at my beach.

ME: So?

HIM: So ONE was the Brotherhood Of Truly Trendy Obisidian Men’s Society or BOTTOMS.. and THE OTHER… the CCCC Conservative Congregational Christian Conference.

ME: Oh Bottoms came to your beach. You know my friend Miss Scotty’s is Vice-Princess of that group. They said they were coming to LA. I suggested they come to your beach.

HIM: What is wrong with you?

ME: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with YOU?

HIM: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. 40 Screaming black sissies in skin tight skimpy bathing suits with slogans on the butts of them like “slippery when wet” and “tool box” “cock pit” “pole barn”, “Adam’s Apple”, “The Male Box” “tons of buns” “lumberyard” and on YOUR FRIEND Scotty’s bathing suit “booty McMuffin”

ME: Oh how fabulous. Was that the red one with the golden arches? Or the yellow one with…

HIM: Why do I even know you. HOW is that fabulous?

ME: Oh what should they have on? Some lame board shorts with hideous patterns on them?

HIM: My board shorts are NOT lame and don’t change the subject. HOW DARE YOU SEND those screeching fruit monkeys to my beach!

ME: Fruit monkeys? FRUIT MONKEYS? (LIVID)

HIM: YOU HEARD ME FRUIT MONKEYS! They were calling me the “White Dove”… swishing around my beach… eating hot dogs without buns… I had to take dramamine to watch them walk.

ME: You’re a racist homohobic asshole. I rest my case.

HIM: I married you. I’m not a racist homophobic asshole. I AM OBVIOUSLY INSANE. I REST MY CASE. ME: I see you didn’t have any problem with those christians.

HIM: Are you kidding they were WORSE! Insisting I get them off the beach because it was God’s will. Giving me all of these stupid pamphlets. Trying to set me up with their homely daughters… Arguing with the Black Sissies, who said Jesus was Gay and Black… I need a beer, no a bourbon, better yet your pills, the little blue ones.

ME: Oh boo hoo hoo. I am OVER YOU! They are not black sissies they are gay men of color.

HIM: Call your Friends of Diana whatever you…

ME: Don’t you bring Diana Ross into this. Or this will get ugly.

HIM: Get ugly? I’ll tell you ugly. Two of those fruit monkeys got into an argument about something, and one of them slapped the other one… and busted his lip… and he started screaming “OH MY BEAUTIFUL FACE… He hit me in my BEAUTIFUL FACE!” And the other one said… “I wouldn’t have hit him if I’d known he was on his period.” And I had to bandage his lip, TWELVE TIMES!!! Cause it kept falling off.

ME: Was he really pretty?

HIM: Seriously? That’s your comment? The little blue ones Billi get me the little blues ones.

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