Me & My Cardiologist
ME: Hey Wally… I’ve been downtown to the produce and fish market… I have avocados and red peppers for you
HIM: DON’T CALL ME WALLY… and Thanks. How’s your foot?
ME: it still hurts, but better.
HIM: How many pain pills did you take today?
ME: None I had to drive downtown. I didn’t want my judgement impaired.
HIM: You mean MORE Impaired.
ME: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?
HIM:It means in the RARE instances when you demonstrate any judgement at all… it’s impaired.
ME: My judgement is flawless…
HIM: I BEG to differ.
ME: Don’t you do enough begging trying to get sex?
HIM: What do you want? I have to go to the hospital
ME: I got veggies for you. Stop by and get them. Oh and I’m wearing the heart monitor.
HIM: I know.
ME: How do you know?
HIM: That’s the purpose of it… for me to know what’s going on with your heart.
HIM: Your heart seems fine, especially for a bitch that doesn’t have one.
ME: Don’t listen to Robert. Anyway… You won’t believe what happened to me.
HIM: Yes I would. I used to not, but after several years of being your friend and your cardiologist I’ll believe ANYTHING when it comes to you and your heart. ANYTHING.
ME: Okay… you know how I’ve been really butch for the last few years?
HIM: (chuckles) Ummm… define butch.
ME: Shut up—You know I’ve been VERY BUTCH. Anyway… Come to find out Mr. Nakamura and all the guys at the fish company thought that I was a woman all this time. Can you believe that?
HIM: What were you wearing?
ME: Scrubs or sweats. How could they think I was a woman.
HIM: Let me see. Your high pitched voice, you talk a mile a minute, you’re emotional as hell, you’re hysterionic, and you have HUGE manboobs.
ME: Don’t hate me because I have more cleavage than the women you date.
HIM: You have more cleavage than every woman I’ve ever dated, combined.
ME: It’s not my fault you date skinny white women. Being a MWT (Man With Titties) is a rough gig.
HIM: I’m sure it’s a thankless job.
ME: Well I wouldn’t say THANKLESS… Anyway… I’ve decided to grow facial hair so that no one will EVER think that I’m a woman again.
HIM: That won’t work. People will just think you’re going through menopause,