HIM: Hi honey I’m home. How are you?
ME: I feel like I’m carrying Conway Twitty’s love child and wearing lime stretch pants, a “Hello Kitty” maternity top and corky’s standing in a laundromat with a clothes basket full of tube tops.
HIM: That good.
ME: I had a driver who just happened to be Asian, and just happened to be old… who just happened to not be able to drive a nail through a meatloaf.
HIM: Well that’s not necessarily bad… I mean… is it one of your meat loafs?
ME: Do NOT play with me. I will take you to Toys R Us and get you a pail, a shovel and some sand molds that you can play with at the beach… but do NOT play with me… I am DANGEROUS… and in NO MOOD. I will hurt you. I will tear this place up in here.
HIM: Relax. It couldn’t have been that bad.
ME: Rush hour, Beverly Hills, I had to go to the Academy.
ME: Cause God’s a lesbian and my karma’s worse than stepping on the sore paw of a bipolar mandrill with PMS.
HIM: It was THAT bad?
ME: Worse. And then when I was at the academy they were doing one of those lame artsy “let’s watch film in some outdated format,” so there were all of these “film nazis” trashing digital media and being ridiculous and… some woman cornered me…
HIM: (Starts to laugh)….
ME:It’s not funny, she was a gazillion years old, had 6 teeth and 2 of them belonged to the Elks… and was wearing all of these tacky, gaudy, plastic beads that look like they were made by blind retarded cub scouts from Latvia.
HIM: (laughing) And she wanted to talk to you… and you couldn’t be rude, because she was old and you’re weird like that.
ME: EXACTLY… and it’s NOT weird. You have to respect your elders… even if their breath could impregnate a sterile moose. It was HORRIBLE!!!!! And she claimed to be a photographer….
HIM: What do you mean?
ME: What I mean is she was obviously lying. She was NOT a professional photographer.
HIM: How do you know?
ME: Because she didn’t ask to photograph me.
HIM: Oh of course…
ME: Photographers and cameras love me. I’ve NEVER met a photographer who didn’t beg to photograph me.
HIM: THIS is what you’re REALLY upset about. I bet she would have wanted to photograph Lillian….
ME: Don’t make me change my Facebook relationship status to single.