HIM: You know a big part of my day is having to pose with girls in bikinis.
ME: So. Just pretend they’re drag queens. What’s your problem?
HIM: I’m just saying that a big part of my day is usurped with having to pose with teeny bopper lifeguard groupies and tourists who adore me.
ME: Even though in your Baywatch drag your legs look like two toothpicks stuck in an old maraschino cherry.
HIM: You don’t have to be an asshole
ME: Yeah, I pretty much do.
HIM: My job is NOT posing for pictures. I’m not you. I don’t need that kind of attention. MY job is to protect people from the many dangers of the unforgiving sea.
ME: The only real danger at the Santa Monica Beach is slipping on a condom and falling on a syringe.
HIM: NONE of that goes on at MY beach. I allow NO SEX on my beach!!
ME: Oh please… the last time I was at YOUR beach I saw a blanket crawling across the sand looking for an egg to fertilize.