Me & Kewl Tie (Tim Neavin) at 2:00 A.M. on FB
ME: I’m trying to find an old boyfriend on FB who I had a torrid affair with when I first came to LA
HIM: Are you drinking?
HIM: Then you need to start. You have a great spouse what’s wrong with you?
ME: I’m not trying to find him to do him. I just want to find out what happened to him and explain something. I’m sure he’s married and has kids, and probably grand kids…
HIM: So what is it that you want to explain?
ME: I was supposed to meet him by Groman’s Chinese Theatre and runaway with him…
ME: In 1979
HIM: Are you sure you’re not drinking?
ME: No, I’m just tying up loose ends in my life.
HIM: Are you serious?
ME: Yeah, cause I got this really nice card from him, a week after I didn’t show up… and I never responded.
HIM: Why didn’t you run away with him.
ME: Cause there were issues…
HIM: Like what?
ME: Don’t judge me… but I was kind of living with another guy, and I had just started seeing this Republican Congressman on the side… who was married but intriguing and very generous…
HIM: Are you sure you don’t have 2 X chromosomes?
ME: If I did, honey, I’d own this town.
HIM: And so what are you going to tell him if you find him…
ME: That I’m sorry, and that I just wanted him to know I’m really happy.
HIM: Seriously? And this is important to you? And you think that 30 years after the fact… he NEEDS to know this?
ME: Of course… he was in love me.
HIM: How old was he?
ME: We were both 21.
HIM: I’m guessing it was more drugs, booze and testosterone than love…
ME: How dare you try to make something beautiful tawdry.
HIM: Wait,,,you’re the one that was living with one guy, dating a married a man, and planning to run away with this guy, and I’M the one making it tawdry.
ME: You don’t understand….
HIM: No and I NEVER will. Let me ask you something… has anybody ever done a chromosome test on you?
ME: No why?
HIM: I am positive you do NOT have a Y chromosome. As a matter of fact you might have 3 X chromosomes…
ME: I just wish I could find him.
HIM: Google Lost Friend Finder, and put in his name.. you’ll find him… I find chicks like that all the time. Now leave me alone I’m busy.
ME: Busy? Doing what?
HIM: It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, and I’m a man, what do you think I’m doing, I’m looking at Internet porn. Teen Lesbians at cheerleading camp.
ME: There were no lesbians at cheerleading camp. I used to be a cheerleader remember?
HIM: I try not to remember ANY MALE cheerleaders.
HIM: Besides we’re doctors we don’t look at Internet porn.
HIM: We’re male doctors. We look at Internet porn.
ME: No we don’t. We do paraphilia research on prurient proclivities presenting on digital social media.
HIM: Shit that’s good… I gotta write that down for the next time my girlfriend busts me looking at lesbo porn. Maybe you have a Y chromosome after all.