(My Angelic Self and My Evil Twin)
AS: How come I can’t sleep? I went to bed at 1:00. I woke up at 4:00
ET: You can sleep, you just need booze and barbiturates.
AS: I’m not Judy Garland.
ET: No because you have a voice that scares the fur off of cats… EXCEPT when you take uppers. Fuck sleep. Take some uppers and give a concert.
AS: I’m a doctor, not a drug addict.
ET: You’re not a drug addict if they’re prescription.
AS: Yes you are. You’re just a prescription drug addict. Maybe I should just meditate.
ET: Let me know how that works out for you. That works for Asians not Negroes.
AS: That’s racist.
ET: So sue me for a hate crime. I know.. Try some bad carbs. They will put you to sleep.
AS: Absolutely not. Not on my food plan.
ET: You know today is your anniversary. I bet he forgets.
AS: No he won’t.
ET: Yes he will. And you gave up a stellar modeling career to become a boring housewife. AND He hasn’t remembered your anniversary since you stopped wearing dresses.
AS: That’s coincidental. And I’m NOT a housewife. I’m a doctor.
ET: Housewife in a lab coat. Let’s not split hairs, you have peas to split.
AS: I am NOT a housewife!
ET: Who does the cooking?
AS: I like to cook.
ET: Most housewives do. Or at least they pretend to.
AS: There’s NOTHING wrong with being a housewife.
ET: No, it USED to be a great job. But that was when men were men and women were coiffured and grateful.
AS: Leave me alone.
ET: June Cleaver didn’t have to cook and work.
AS: I like homemaking. And I like my job. Don’t label me and STOP tormenting me.
ET: Wish I could, but I’m on the clock. Gotta do my job… speaking of which, Is it REALLY coincidental that he doesn’t remember your anniversary since you stopped wearing dresses?
AS: Of course it is.
ET: He certainly seemed to like Serena Williams in her mini skirt. And then there’s that whole messy Brooke, Tucker thing… do the math… connect the dots… you were a woman when he married you.
AS: No I wasn’t. I just dressed like one.
ET: Dressed like one, acted like one, your driver’s license and passport even said you were one…
AS: What’s your point?
ET: My point is the minute you got the F changed back to M on your driver’s license he stopped remembering anniversaries, sending you flowers randomly buying you perfume for no reason.
ET: Oh did I strike a nerve? Sorry. But as long REALLY liked that mini skirt on Serena… but I’m sure he likes your scrubs…
AS: I could never wear a mini skirt.
ET: Of course you could. You use to.
AS: But I was much younger, thinner and wilder. I could NEVER wear a mini skirt now. Could I?
ET: Sure you could. Just wear one on each leg.

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