HIM: Hi honey I’m back, what you looking at?
ME: This old picture of your mom in LA Times with Betsy Bloomingdale, Elizabeth Taylor, and whose this woman?
HIM: Georgia Frontiere, remember her from my father’s memorial service?
ME: Not really, but why do I know that name?
HIM: She was good friends with my god mother and she used to own the rams.
ME: Oh yeah, she’s the one who drowned her husband.
HIM: She was SUSPECTED of that. But there was never any proof. She was a very nice woman. She used to sneak cookies upstairs to me and my brothers when my parents had cocktail parties.
ME: A murderess and a sugar pusher.
HIM: Stop. She was being nice and she was NOT a murderess.
ME: Your godmother said she did.
HIM: Her my godmother were friends. Of course she would say that. You know how those women were.
ME: Wow look how pretty your mom is. She looks like a blonde Audrey Hepburn. You have her eyes.
HIM: And her hair.
ME: Well she had a little more than you do.
HIM: That’s your fault and your mother was very pretty too. That dark skin and those blue eyes… very striking.
ME: Yes, but my mother was crazy.
HIM: And mine wasn’t? She killed herself with diet pills, vomiting and laxative abuse trying to get into a size 2 dress. (Sighs) And she finally did…. we buried her in it.
ME: Poor Patty, that’s really sad. But Geneva was evil.
HIM: Your mom wasn’t evil
ME: She discussed my penis with you!
HIM: All she wanted to know was if you still had one. It was a backhanded compliment… it was because you were such a good drag queen.
ME: It was horrible.
HIM: You just had to hear about the conversation. I had to have it. You know how awkward it is to have a discussion with your mother-in-law about your wife’s penis?
ME: I wonder what Gloria Vanderbilt would have to say about that?
HIM: From the looks of Anderson Cooper… not much.