HIM: Hi honey… I’m running out the door to go swimming I’ll be back.
ME: Okay.. I’ll make dinner. (Thinking: He’s going to get me an Anniversary present.,,, I bet t will be fabulous I’ll make him Steak Piazziola, and carve an anniversary watermelon cake.
(90 minutes later… the watermelon cake is now a fruit smoothy and I have marinara sauce splattered from asshole to appetite)
HIM: I’m back. Boy what a day; This this guy at work, another lifeguard…”
HIM: Is something wrong?
ME: Is something wrong? YES something is very wrong!
HIM: Do I have sunscreen smeared on my face.
ME: Today is OUR ANNIVERSARY.
HIM: (Alarmed) What? Well Happy Anniversary.
HIM: Are you SURE it’s our Anniversary? I thought it was at the end of August.
ME: HOW could you think that?
HIM: So how long have we been married?
ME: 24 years…
HIM: Wow that’s impressive.
ME: Yeah. We been through a lot.
HIM: Just think if my dad hadn’t been your agent, we would have never met.
ME: You know you STILL haven’t apologized for that lie.
HIM: What lie?
ME: You came over to pick up that Golden Girls script and you were so busy trying to get me to go out with you… you stayed for 3 hours…
HIM: And I was so happy when you said yes that I forgot the script and when I got back to the office my dad was furious it had taken so long and then I didn’t have the script…I had to say something.
ME: And you told him I tried to seduce you. Which was a TOTAL LIE. Your dad was FURIOUS with me.
HIM: (laughs) You were livid. You called me up and went completely off.
ME: Your dad was one of the most powerful literary agents in town you could have ruined my career.
HIM: (laughs) You said “Listen Prom King If I had tried to seduce you… you’d know it cause you’d be naked”
ME: And you said…Does this means our date is off..
HIM: (laughs) And you said, absoFUCKINGlutely NOT. (thinks about it) Wait a minute… you WERE trying to seduce me.
ME: (Thinking: It’s a good thing you’re cute because YOU’RE SLOW HONEY…. a cute little blonde USC Frat boy walks into a drunken, wayward black drag queen’s apartment… now what do you think the drag queen’s going to do… Ray Charles could see what was going to happen and he’s dead and blind)
HIM: We were the scandal of the Row at SC…
ME: We were the scandal of every place we went
HIM: People didn’t get us. Your friends hated me because I was too white and normy,
ME: Yeah I know. And your friends hated me because I was everything BUT white and normy.
HIM: My family liked you.
ME: I know. Your uncle Bill said it best, “the bad news is that she’s a man… the good news is she’s catholic.”
HIM: (Laughs)…But when dad was dying… you knew that he needed to reconcile with the Catholic Church…
ME: Yeah, he was like so many catholics his age that left after Vatican II
HIM: You’re so weird. You knew just what to do, and what priest to get to hear his confession…
ME: Yeah, I know my church. An old drunken Irish priest… perfect… and that confession…. “John have you done wrong? Yeah, Are you sorry? Yeah, You’re forgiven… you want a shot of bourbon in that Ensure?” (We laugh)
HIM: Yeah, but he died in peace. I love you for that.
ME: You were good to my mother. You took care of her for 10 years… the last 5 she couldn’t walk. I love you for that. With our incest issues I couldn’t bathe her.
HIM: I loved her.
ME: Yes I know. it was a VERY UNHOLY ALLIANCE.
HIM: Yeah she gave me a lot of good handling instructions for you.
ME: I do NOT want to talk about it. Funny, my homophobic mother who claimed I wasn’t gay because “those people are tidy”
HIM: She has a point.
ME: Whatever… She hated my brothers wife and my sisters husband but adored you.
HIM: I’m good with Black women. You know that.
ME: If I was a real black woman you’d be cut.
HIM: So what’s the 24th Anniversary. Last year I got you some purple stone. What is it this year?
ME: Musical Instruments… I want a harp. It will be good practice for me… for when i get to heaven and I’m God’s favorite angel.
HIM: You’re not getting a harp. And you’re not going to heaven… How about a kazoo?
ME: I’m going to be an Angel I need to know how to play a harp.
HIM: You already know how to spread your wings… isn’t that enough.
ME: It used to be when we first got married.
HIM: Yeah we used to have sex all over the house, all over town in my office, on the plane, in your dressing room at Paramount… everywhere…
ME: Then we went into phase two…. the bedroom/appointment phase—sex only in the bedroom and only by appointment,
HIM: And now we’re in phase 3 the Hallway phase…. we pass by each other in the hall and say “fuck you”