(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
HIM: Good morning Sunshine.
ME: (waking up) Huh? Who is this?
HIM: It’s your favorite physician.
ME: (in a fog) Dr. Weinberg? What’s wrong with your voice?
HIM: This is not Dr. Weinberg! Wake up! Do I sound like a woman?
ME: Oh YOU. What time is it?
HIM: It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. Get up!
ME: It’s 4;30 in the morning.
HIM: Not in Rome.
ME: You vitriolic asshole. You are not well.
HIM: Is this your official diagnosis Dr. Gordon… or are you just hoping.
ME: Okay, I woke you up at 4:30 A.M. You woke me up at 4:30 a.m. we’re even. Now I’m going back to sleep.
HIM: No wait. I have to tell you something REALLY important.
HIM: I saw a guy here, who looked EXACTLY like you. I thought it was you. He’s from New York. He says he’s doing a TV show about weight loss.
ME: (FULLY AWAKE) WHAT? SERIOUSLY? What was his name? Who’s doing it? Is CAA packaging it?
HIM: Now remind me again what CAA is.
ME: You know what CAA is, Walter. Don’t play with me. If you want something to play with. I’ll go to Toys R Us and get you a toy stethoscope, or a hula hoop or something… BUT DO NOT PLAY WITH ME! I am DANNNNGEROUS!
HIM: Really? So if I told you that I just made all of this up, are you saying I would be in danger?
ME: You fucking asshole. I am NOT speaking to you?
HIM: So are you really pissed?
ME: I am fucking FURIOUS with you!
HIM: Good. NOW we’re even. Badger 1 Wolverine 1
ME: This is SO not over! (hang up the phone)