(I’m half asleep… a SMOKING HOT doctor comes into the room)
HIM: Dr. Gordon.
ME: Call me Billi.
HIM: Only if you call me Nic
ME: And you are?
HIM: Whatever you want me to be…. proctologist, ENT, urologist…. I’m a multi-specialist
ME: Wait are you one of the hospitalist on my medical team?
HIM: No generally i bat for the other team…. but I could switch hit.
ME: (Thinking: Did they give me some drugs and I don’t know about it…. ) (Look around for a dilaudid drip, in a 25% Tequilla solution…. t
HIM: So let’s close the door and play doctor doctor.
ME:(Thinking: 25 years of marriage versus 25 minutes of pleasure… NOT an OPTION…) Sorry I’m mmmm…mmm…married.
HIM: That’s okay. We’re both just shopping not buying… Did I mention I was half Italian and it’s the bottom half….
ME: No I cccaaann’t…. (Thinking: Well what about Brooke and Tucker… I mean Robert did sire a child with that horrible woman who has space between her thighs…. I’m entitled to this…. no I’m not… he was drunk that was different…. well I could get drunk…)
HIS PHONE RINGS….
HIM: Oh shit I’m getting paged…. this is strange…. look at this text message….. do you understand it…
ME: (Reading his phone…. “Badgers 2 Wolverines 1!”) OMG! WALTER SENT YOU!
HIM: Yeah, Walt and I are running buddies…
ME: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!! TORMENTING THE SICK!!!! HOW DARE THE BOTH OF HIM…
HIM: I’m sorry. I feel terrible.
ME: (It’s hard to be mad at a man like this) Oh that’s okay…. It was Walter’s fault.
(My phone rings….it’s Wally the EVIL BADGER)
HIM: Dr. Gordon….
ME: How FUCKING DARE YOU PULL THIS. I oughta report you to the AMA
HIM: What? This was a bona fide test… I’m a cardiologist… and the heart is the pre=penile pump…. I was making sure the blood was flowing…. I presume by your angst that it was.
(I hang up the phone)
HIM: I gotta go before I do something I would have to hide from my girlfriend…
ME: Just for the record… when you encounter the queen that’s in a position to do something about your curiosity… she doesn’t have to know….
HIM: No we’re completely honest with each other… we share our biggest, darkest secrets….
ME. And honey, If I wasn’t married… I’d be that secret….