Threatening Vegetables

HIM: Hi honey I’m home.
ME: I’m in the bedroom.
HIM: (Looking at my giant lemon cucumber) WHAT is THIS?
ME: A lemon cucumber. Isn’t it FABULOUS?
HIM: No, it’s disgusting. Where did you get it
ME: I grew it in the garden. Aren’t you proud of me?
HIM: NO. And WHY do you have it in the bedroom?
ME: It’s your replacement.
HIM: Good, I’m exhausted. Have fun. Call me when it’s over. Seriously, WHY do you have this thing in here.
ME: I have it in here because I was playing with Ashlee, Heather and Genevieve on Facebook.
HIM: mhm… Are you sure?
ME: Of course I’m sure. Don’t be absurd.
HIM: I don’t know… It’s your favorite flavor… huge.
ME: Stop flattering yourself.
HIM: Just saying… You didn’t marry me for my money.
ME: (Observing his body language) I can’t believe you. You’re threatened by a cucumber.
HIM: A LOT of guys would be threatened by THAT cucumber. That thing is huge.
ME: Yeah, but it can’t run errands and pay bills. You’re safe.

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