(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
ME: Ciao come va?
HIM: (Groggy) What? Who is this?
ME: What do you mean who is this? It’s me.
HIM: What the fuck are you calling me at 4:30 in the morning for.
ME: I’m not. It’s 7:30.
HIM: In Los Angeles. But I’m in Rome remember.
ME: Yeah but I’m in LA and I’m self-referential remember?
HIM: What do you want?
HIM: You call me up at 4:30 a.m. and you want nothing. When I get back. I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY STETHOSCOPE
ME: Promises…. asphyxophilia is fun. Well I’ll let you go back to sleep
HIM: No. I’m up now. How’ve you been, besides in A-FIB?
ME: How do you know.
HIM: I’m monitoring your strips…
ME: But you’re on vacation.
HIM: I’m your cardiologist. There is NO vacation. It’s a life sentence.
ME: So what are you bringing me from Rome?
HIM: I would bring you an old priest… but you pretty much went through them when you were an Altar boy (laughs)
ME: You were an Altar Boy too.
HIM: I wasn’t THAT KIND of altar boy. Although one time a priest gave me a ride home…
HIM: And he asked me if I’d ever played doctor with a priest.
ME: What did you say?
HIM: I asked him if he’d ever been stabbed in the forehead by an altar boy.