(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist 4 Days ago)
HIM: I’ll call you right back. I’m going into an elevator
(Four days later… he hasn’t called back)
ME: Eminence… (one of my nicknames for him)
HIM: Yes sire…. (one of his nicknames for me)
ME: Are you out of the elevator yet?
HIM: (laughs) oh sorry…. I got distracted. so wassup?
ME: Wassup? We’re friends. We’re supposed to talk on the phone.
HIM: You’re so needy.
ME: I am NOT needy.
HIM: Speaking of needy. I want to borrow some of that weird Cleaning stuff that you gave me, I’m out. What’s the name of it.
HIM: That’s what I thought i can’t find it any where.
ME: They don’t have it over here where we live. They only have it in the hood.
HIM: That’s absurd. We live in one of the most desirable areas in the nation, maybe even the world. Everything os here.
ME: Eminence our neighborhood is predominantly white.
HIM: So? You’re such a racist. You hate white people.
ME: I don’t hate white people. I married to one and I have some very good friends who are white.
HIM: Just because we’re good friends does NOT mean you’re not racist.
ME: First of all we’re not good friends, and second of all you have so many negro tendencies I don’t consider you to be really white.
HIM: Whatever. I still don’t understand why we have to sojourn to the ghetto to get this cleaning fluid.
ME: Did you read the bottle eminence? The product was developed to address ghetto-specific problems.
HIM: (reading the bottle) “Removes blood, wine and lipstick stains from carpets, furniture and clothing. Removes semen and other bodily fluids from sheets and pillow cases. Cleans kitchens, showers, restrooms, equipment and warehouse floors, it even takes fork lift marks off concrete…” And it’s only 99 cents a bottle.
ME: Cause it’s environmentally safe.
HIM: Who fucking cares… it gets lipstick off my expensive designer underwear. I need a new bottle, so go to the hood and get me one.
ME: Do i look like Benson to you?
HIM: A little bit.
ME: Good bye.
HIM: Wait! If you won’t go get me a case of Awesome, Will you go with me to get some?
ME: Are you scared to go into the hood?
HIM: I’m not scared, but It’s NOT prudent for a white guy to drive an expensive Porsche into the ghetto. Remember what happened when Kewl Tie drove his jaguar to Compton.
ME: Nothing happened to him.
HIM: He told me he had a near death experience.
ME: Please. he took a black girl out to an expensive dinner and didn’t get laid. Hardly life threatening.
HIM: An ego threatening experience IS life threatening for a doctor… you know that.