(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
HIM: Hurry up. I told you to be ready.
ME: And I told you, you are not putting in money in bank account, food on my table or no you know what in my you know where… so I do NOT take orders from you.
HIM: Okay… I could have lived my life without hearing that… you disgust me on every level.. now let’s go. I’m driving because you drive like a bitch, which makes sense because you are SUCH A BITCH.
ME: WHAT is the big emergency and the big rush about getting cleaning stuff?
HIM: it’s private.
ME: Not if you want me to disrupt my work day, and go to the hood with you to buy awesome.
HIM: Okay. And don’t you DARE post this on Facebook.
ME: I would never do that. Tell me.
HIM: Alright. You remember Josslin that I met at the Promenade?
ME: The singer?
HIM: Yeah. Well she bought me a pair of body tech boxer briefs..
ME: What’s wrong this woman is she nuts or just extremely masochistic… who in the hell wants to see you in body tech boxer briefs…
HIM: I have a great body.
ME: No you don’t. Now the Brad, the thoracic surgeon that lives at the corner… HE has a GREAT body.
HIM: Yeah but he’s gay. Just get in and let’s go..I’m in a hurry… I have patients to see.
ME: Not until you tell me why this an emergency.
HIM: Okay, I have a date with Josslin tonight, and she wants me to wear the body tech boxer briefs…and I can’t
ME: Why not?
HIM: Cause there’s lipstick all over them. And I can’t get it out.
ME: So, she should be neater.
HIM: It’s not her lipstick.
ME: Hmmm… what do I want from you for saving you from this?
HIM: Don’t try and exploit this situation. And don’t tell anybody about this.
ME: Exploit this—NEVER; Tell anyone–My lips are sealed.
(30 minutes later, we have the Awesome but the police have the streets blocked off…)
HIM: What the fuck is this. I have to get to the office.
ME: Must be serious, there’s two ghetto birds.
HIM: what’s a ghetto bird?
ME: Police helicopter.
HIM: This is bullshit. (He drives in the center turn lane until he reaches a black female cop… with VERY short hair and NO make-up… I’m guess she can lick an envelope after it’s in the mailbox)
HER: What do you think you’re doing?
HIM: I’m a doctor. I have to get to my office. I need to get through.
HER: I’m sorry, there’s an anthrax scare. We can’t let anybody through until we get the all clear. It’s for your own safety.
HIM: Is that all? Listen we’re doctors…
HIM: We have extensive knowledge about inorganic and organic chemistry. I ASSURE you we are in NO danger.
HER: Well I’m a cop and I have PMS and a gun. I ASSURE you, you are DEFINITELY in danger.