HIM: I got up at 4:00 a.m. went for a bike ride, then went surfing… and you’re still asleep.
ME: I worked until 2:00 a.m. and it’s 8:00 a.m.
HIM: So wake up. You know what I love?
ME: Obviously, mornings,
HIM: No. My American History class.
ME: American History… could bore an Oak Tree to death.
HIM: Do you know who Lord Baltimore was.
ME: Yeah, some guy they named a cake after.
HIM: Not to mention the CITY of Baltimore.
ME: Yeah, Baltimore’s very ghetto, but the soft-shelled crabs are good.
HIM: You relate everything to food.
ME: Look at me, this is surprising to you?
HIM: Do you know the story behind Baltimore?
ME: No, and I don’t care. Did you know the director of my movie didn’t know what barely ambulatory meant?
ME: Seriously, and he thinks he has a good vocabulary, not to mention he’s a college grad.
HIM: How can a college grad not know what barely ambulatory meant?
ME: He went to USC.
HIM: You were just dying to tell me that weren’t you?
ME: Of course. But I don’t believe him.
ME: Come on. He has an excellent vocabulary and he’s very intelligent. There’s NO way he didn’t know what barely ambulatory meant. His other mother is a nurse, and I’m a doctor. Now how can you have two mothers who are medical professionals and not know what barely ambulatory means.
HIM: I have a better question. How can you have two mothers and one of them be a man?
ME: Oh grow up. When I first became his mother I wasn’t a man.
HIM: You were always a man.
ME: Would you stop bothering me with these petty points. Can’t you see I’m in crisis here.
HIM: I can see a few crises here. Which one are we talking about.
ME: My child. told me he didn’t know non ambulatory meant.
HIM: Why do you think he told you that?
ME: Because he was making a point that I should simplify the language in the script. He was being devious.
HIM: Perhaps, but he’s right. And maybe he really didn’t know.
ME: He is right, but that’s not the point. And of course he knew he’s my child. I’m his black mother.
HIM: You and your relationships… beyond weird.
ME: People who live in glass houses.
HIM: Don’t bring me into this. I say two bad words 24 years ago.. and I’m doomed for life.
ME: What two bad words?
HIM: I do.
ME: Can’t you see I have a problem here. My child is devious. It’s bad enough that he’s right.. but being devious…
HIM: Of course he’s devious… the director NEVER falls far from the diva.