Early Morning Birthday Greetings

( Me and Wally The evil badger cardiologist)
HIM: (drunk) Happy Birthday Bitch!
ME: Why are you calling me at 4:00 a.m.
HIM: Cause it’s your birthday and I’ve been out celebrating with some friends. Say hello to Felatia, Koytus, and Skittles.
ME: Have you been up drinking all night at the strip clubs?
HIM: Is it morning?
ME: Yes,
HIM: Then I’ve been up drinking all night at the strip clubs. Koytus wants to talk to you… Koytus this is Dr. Gordon
HER: Hi Dr. Gordon.. this Koytus,,,and that’s spelled with a K and a Y.
ME: how very clever.
HER: So what kind of doctor are you?
HIM: (in the background) A fat obnoxious one.
HER: Are you a gynecologist like Walt?
ME: No, I have a vaginal aversion
HER: What’s a vaginal aversion?
HIM: (in the background) he means, UNLIKE ME, he doesn’t like the poon.
HER: You don’t like pussy?
HIM: I adore pussies… I just prefer angora and they shed so terribly.
HER: You’re funny.
ME: Thank you. Could you put Dr. Kerwin on the phone please?
HER: (In the background) Kerwin? I thought you said your last name was Neavin?
ME: You told this woman you were a gynecologist and your last name was Neavin?
HIM: Dealing with you everyday qualifies me as a gynecologist… cause you’re biggest pussy I know!
ME: I’m a LOT more butch than you.
HIM: Butch and barbaric are not the same things…
ME: So you say, you manscaped, opera mongering twit.
HIM: So what do you think about Koytus? Isn’t she wonderful? She’s a really bright gal. You should see her. So we’re going to a hot tub club.
ME: What is this 1981?
HIM: No the hot tub club is at my house. We’re going to make body soup.
ME: Lovely… Cream of Sleaze,… I could have lived my entire life without that visual.
HIM: Don’t be bitchy just cause you’re 58 and looking down the barrel of 60 (he laughs)
ME: We’re done here.
HIM: No wait… seriously, medically speaking you’ve reached a great age….
ME: You think?
HIM: Hell yeah, you can no long longer die unexpectedly.

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