How Do You Like Your Pain

HIM: You know we play Stanford next week.
ME: Yeah, you’ll kill Stanford.
HIM: I hope so, I HATE Stanford.
ME: And they hate USC.
HIM: You know your old coach is coaching at Arizona.
ME: (roll my eyes) Yes everybody knows that.
HIM: I didn’t. I thought he wasn’t a good coach.
ME: No he’s a good coach. He just wasn’t right for the culture of Michigan football. But Arizona Football doesn’t have a culture… so it’s a perfect fit.
HIM: As long as he doesn’t get arrested for being an illegal alien in by that maniac Arizona sheriff.
ME: Arizona is horrible. It’s like Indiana or Ohio with cacti and tumbleweed.
HIM: You know we should go undefeated this year.
ME: Oregon’s your only difficult game.
HIM: I hate Oregon… Nike whores.
ME: The Nike guy went there. Personally, I DEPISE the Oregon Cheerleaders–tackiest cheerleaders in the nation. They give cheerleading a bad name.
HIM: They are tacky. Yeah they’re kinda hot looking… but the USC song girls are just as good looking without being so strip club. You know who else is REALLY tacky? Notre Dame.
ME: I know. And they’re not even sexy tacky, they’re just stupid tacky, but unlike Oregon, Notre Dame is irrelevant.
HIM: I can’t decide whose tackier, Notre Dame or Oregon.
ME: Oh I know the answer.
HIM: Who?
ME: Ohio State.
HIM: You’re right! Ohio State fans are SO Whiskey Tango (white trash) They’re like those people at that horrible swap meet I had to go to for my class… remember?
ME: HOW could I forget. You had night mares and woke up screaming for weeks.
HIM: I’ll never be the same. It scarred me for life. The way some of those women dressed in those synthetic fabrics… and the mixture of patterns and colors–it was frightening. It was like Stevie Wonder threw their clothes on them with a pitch fork.
ME: And the way those HORRIBLE whiskey tango women treat their men, who are usually kind of butch and cute in a “I’ll change your tire… if’n you buys a case of beer and we’ll get shit-faced and not remember a thing” kind of way.
HIM: Huh?
ME: Never mind… not important. Those women are bad.
HIM: They are DREADFUL! You’ve never seen anything like it.
ME: Trust me, I grew up in the midwest, I have seen EVERY thing like it. They spit out a hand full of puppies and then they join the endless stretch-jeans and tube top clad QVC shopping army of fun assassins.
HIM: EXACTLY. The poor men work SO hard and all they want to do is have a little fun… and those horrible tacky women with their counterfeit blonde hair won’t let them.
ME: Because women just want to take fun deep into the woods and shoot it in the head.
HIM: Why do you think straight men put up with it?
ME: Isn’t it obvious? They prefer their pain in all the wrong places.

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