Embracing Your Cosby

HIM: I have been worried to death. Are you okay?
ME: Relax, I’m fine.
HIM: What happened?
ME: Some kid had a gun and decided to get stupid and try and take my car.
HIM: HE HAD A GUN? HE HAD A GUN? HE HAD A GUN?
ME: Of course he had a gun. It was an attempted carjacking… What do you think he was going to do try to take my car with an insult.
HIM: Where were you?
ME: In the hood.
HIM: What were you doing in the hood.
ME: Treating my nose to smells of my childhood… the sweet aroma of hot grease from the You Buy We Fry, smoke from Ribs and Hot links being barbecued…
HIM: I have warned you time and time again about going in these dangerous neighborhoods driving a bright red expensive looking car. And you don’t eat those things
ME: So I still like to smell them.
HIM: You almost got killed to smell some ribs.
ME: I did NOT almost get killed. He stuck a gun in my face and said give me your car and I said, fuck you asshole, I’m not giving you my car.
HIM: HE PUT THE GUN IN YOUR FACE? HE AIMED A GUN AT YOUR HEAD?
ME: No Robert, he aimed it at the radio…. Of course he aimed the gun at me…
HIM: I can’t believe you don’t see the severity of this.
ME: Honey, I lived in Detroit, I’ve had a lot of guns put in my face…. I was just calm and said.. Shoot me and see if your skinny ass can drag me out of this car before these niggas go postal on you for blocking traffic…
HIM: And he didn’t shoot you?
ME: Am I bleeding?
HIM: How did you get away?
ME: The light turned green and I drove away… then I posted it on Facebook…
HIM: Did you call the police?
ME: I’m black. We don’t call the police.
HIM: You posted on Facebook, but you didn’t call the police. YOU are out of touch with reality.
ME: The reality is it’s LA the police were not going to respond. It’s not like our neighborhood. I’m home, my car is in the driveway, I smelled some pleasant smells my olfactory system is stoked… it’s all good.
HIM: You know there are black neighborhoods like La Dera and Fox Hills that are not dangerous.. if you need to go smell negro food.
ME: What am I going to smell in those neighborhoods besides a bunch of uppity negroes running around acting like they’re tan jews. It’s as bad our neighborhood.
HIM: You need to accept who you are and start acting like the Cosby’s. Now give me an Ativan… my nerves are shot.

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