(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
HIM: I hear you almost got car jacked.
ME: Yeah, it was right after I called you.
HIM: THANK GOD you didn’t killed.
HIM: Stop flattering yourself Gayzilla… I was just thinking about scrounging around for something good to say about you at your funeral.
ME: You are a pompous, insensitive, self-obsessed asshole.
HIM: Water seeks its own level… especially polluted water… So, have you thought about what happens when you expire? I have. I know what I’m doing and I know what you should do.
ME: Of course. Well I’ve thought about it too. You die, I get money; I die, you get Robert.
HIM: I mean beyond the will, and what would I do with Robert?
ME: I have no idea. I can leave you my notes but you’re on your own.
HIM: I’m talking about beyond the will and your gay fantasies. How will we dispose of your vast remains?
ME: Well I called U of M and asked them if they wanted my body?
HIM: What did they say?
ME: They said, “You naked on a table with a confused medical student wondering what to do next… in all due respects Dr. Gordon, you’ve already been here and done that.
HIM: You have to sell it. It’s usually 5 medical students per cadaver… with you they could get 25 around you, so it’s cost effective. Give me their number. I can pitch it to them.
ME: Thanks, but I am NOT begging them to take my body.
HIM: But you’re old.
HIM: That’s what old is… begging people to take your body.
ME: I thought about cremation but I’ve been burned enough in this life.
HIM: It’s an ignominious exit for a Catholic. We burn people at the stake, we don’t volunteer for it. You should be buried at sea.
ME: What? And be eaten by all of those fish. You know I’m too delicious for that!
HIM: You probably are delicious. But with all the seafood you eat. You have to give back. It’s only fair.
ME: Plus I’m very buoyant. My luck I’d wash up on the Jersey shore in front of Snooky’s beach house. I think I’d rather have a crypt like Marilyn…
HIM: Yeah but your survivors have to pay rent on those things…
ME: Not my problem
HIM: What if your survivors stop paying the rent?
ME: What are they going to do… evict me? Set my coffin out on the street.
HIM: That might happen… In which case we should be prepared… I’ll paint a sign on the side of your coffin… “Needed–Necrophile (preferably male). Apply within.
ME: You can’t discriminate in job listing. Just saying…