Me & Tucker (my stepson)
HIM: Good morning Step Mommy Dearest
ME: Are you in jail?
HIM: No. Disappointed?
ME: A little… and STOP calling me Step Mommy Dearest!
HIM: Sorry No can do.
ME: You get on my last nerve.
HIM: Not buying it. You ADORE ME. Don’t ya? Come on, you love me to death,,.. don’t ya? (we laugh)
ME: What do you want? And when are you going to start acting like a college student and start going to jail for civil disobedience?
HIM: The 70’s are over, so that would be a never. Anyway, I want to talk about Thanksgiving.
ME: What about it? You, your roommate, Laylee, and Muffy are coming here.
HIM: (laughs) My mom’s name is Brooke.
ME: Brooke, Muffy, Jill, whatever.
HIM: (laughs) She calls you Dragzilla… now can we talk about me.
ME: Dragzilla? Oh really?…
HIM: Focus!! This mom Laylee thing. Mom hates Laylee. Laylee thinks she’s a racist and Laylee and wants me to come to her house for Thanksgiving.
ME: That’s out of the question. Everybody’s coming here. End of story. You, your roommate, Laylee and Muffy. We’re a happy blended family goddammit.
HIM: I don’t understand why mom hates Laylee…
ME: She hates Laylee because Laylee turned her baby into a man.
HIM: That’s not it. She knows Laylee was my 3rd.
ME: I thought you’ve been dating Laylee since you were 15.
HIM: I started hooking up at 13 with older girls.
HIM: I’m a dog. Don’t judge me as you would say.
ME: At 13 you’re not a dog.. you’re a puppy!
HIM: If you’ll bite as dog, you’ll bite as puppy… so can we focus here.
ME: Do NOT talk to me like that.
HIM: Sorry forgot, the truth offends you.
ME: (strikes a nerve… inherited trait from his father no doubt..) let’s just move on and solve this problem.
HIM: I don’t know that it’s solvable. Mom REALLY hates Laylee… and it’s because she’s Asian.
ME: Yeah, I know, but we can fix that.
ME: Simple. Let Laylee go to her parents for Thanksgiving. You come with your roommate. And you announce at Thanksgiving Dinner that you are gay, and you and your roommate are lovers.
HIM: What? What good would that do?
ME: Your Mom and Robert will freak out.
HIM: Yeah and so… I still don’t see how that will help.
ME: We let them stay freaked out until Christmas. Then you come home again at Christmas and bring Laylee, and say you’re dating again. TRUST ME. Brooke will be ALL FOR your relationship with Laylee.
HIM: OMG! That’s brilliant. You’re a wicked stepmother in a good way. That will TOTALLY work. You’re the best step mommy dearest.
ME: Would you stop calling me that. You know I hate that.
HIM: And you know that is why I have to call you that. There has to be something about me that you don’t like… You love everything else about me.
ME: Leave me alone, and you and your roommate go practice being swishy.
HIM: No! I can pretend to be a butt pirate to make peace between my mom and the woman I love but I refuse to insult my father in his own house.
ME: Wow… Why are you so smart? Your mother’s a bimbo, and your father’s himbo, how did this happen?
HIM: I inherited my step mommy’s brains.
ME: And your father’s ability to charm me with a bold faced lie. (we laugh)