Black Christmas

(ME being Santa Claus at a Mall in the hood with a Little kid)
ME: Ho, ho, ho… Merrrrrrry Christmas
HIM: Are you a blood?
ME: No I’m not a blood?
HIM: Then why you wearing red?
ME: Cause I’m Santa Claus…
HIM: So. This is Crip turf… You can’t wear red down here. Somebody will bust a cap in you
ME: No they won’t I’m Santa Claus.
HIM: So. The Crips don’t care if you the police. They will light you up wearing rival colors.
ME: Why don’t you sit on Santa’s lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.
HIM: Do WHAT? SIT ON YOUR LAP? We aint in prison. I don’t play that.
ME: Have you ever sat on Santa’s lap before?
HIM: Have you ever been stabbed in the forehead by a kid? I’ll light your ass up you fat freak.
ME: You’re supposed to sit on Santa’s lap.
HIM: Are you smoking? HELL NO.
ME: Okay, you don’t have to sit on my lap. Just tell me what you want for Christmas.
HIM: A gat.
ME: Excuse me?
HIM: You heard me, I want a gat, and I want it clean.
ME: I cannot bring you a gat
HIM: Okay it doesn’t have to be clean, just file the serial numbers off.
ME: I am not bringing you a gun. Now what else do you want?
HIM: I want some badass hoe’s for my pimpin’ game.
ME: You’re 7 years old. You don’t have a pimpin game.
HIM: I would if you bring me some badass hoes.
ME: How about a basketball?
HIM: Nigga, do I look like Kobe to you? I don’t want damn basketball. I want a gat and some hoes.
ME: Look I’m Santa Claus. I don’t bring gats and hoes. I check my list and see whose been naughty and whose been nice…
HIM: So you’re with the probation department?
ME: NO! I’m Santa Claus! Every Christmas Eve, me and my reindeer fly through the sky?
HIIM: So you operate a ghetto bird?
ME: No I am not a police search helicopter pilot. I’m Santa Claus. My reindeer land on the roof, and I slide down the chimneys bearing gifts.
HIM: Well let me give you the 4-1-1, who EVER you are. First of all… don’t be wearing red down here, and you need to get rid of them reindeer and get some pit bulls cause them reindeer will end up in an egg roll or a burrito.
ME: I’m Santa Claus I am NOT getting Pit Bulls
HIM: And if you going to be sliding down chimney’s down here, you better be bearing gifts, packing reefer and crack, and you better be strapped and with your crew.
ME: Ho ho ho…
HIM: Oh yeah, almost forgot, and you better bring some hoes too… or you will definitely be on the news and somebody’s prayer list.

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