HIM: Hi honey it’s me.
ME: Why are you calling me from work?
HIM: I wrecked your car. Well i didn’t wreck it. I parked it on the break wall and forgot to put it in park and it rolled into the LA Harbor.
ME: Oh that’s okay, shit happens.
HIM: Did you hear what I said?
ME: Yeah, my car is at the bottom of the LA Harbor.
HIM: Aren’t you upset about that?
ME: I got other stuff on my mind.
HIM: I know. Michigan lost the game.
ME: Yeah… but it could be worse.
ME: I could be an Ohio State alum… and they could be Ohio State… that would be MUCH worse.
HIM: Well I have some good news for you…
ME: Let me guess… now one size really fits all?
HIM: Not that good. I was just joking about your car.
ME: WHAT? Don’t play with me. If you want something to play with I’ll buy you a beach ball. But do NOT play with me… I AM DANGEROUS! I will hurt you.
HIM: You’ll have to catch me first.
ME: What you’re saying I’m out of shape?
HIM: I’m saying you weigh 500 pounds and I haven’t seen you run in this century.
ME: I ran in 2001!
HIM: Oh yeah that’s right, and didn’t you fall down.
ME: Yeah, I had forgotten how to run but you know that information is in your basal ganglia.
HIM: Okay… if you say so.
ME: So why did you call?
HIM: To tell you i didn’t throw away your Fuck Ohio State shirt… I just hid it because you were such a dick last week when UCLA upset USC.
ME: WHAT????? Don’t you understand what you’ve done here… that shirt was my lucky shirt. THIS IS THE REASON WE LOST! I HOPE you’re happy! I don’t believe in domestic violence so I can’t beat you… BUT I CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE for the rest of the Wolverine nation will do to you!