Me And Santa Claus
HIM: Ho… ho… ho…
ME: Don’t judge me. We’re all ho’s… just a matter of services rendered and price.
HIM: Merrrrry Christmas… my you’re a REALLY Big boy.
ME: You’re no olympic gymnast yourself.. now what ya’ got?
HIM: Have you been naughty or nice?
ME: Aren’t they the same thing?
HIM: No. Now have you been naughty or nice?
ME: Can’t you be both?
ME: Sure you can. It’s like being straight or gay; it depends on where I am and who I’m with.
HIM: I can see you’ve been naughty.
ME: In a very nice kind of way.
HIM: You shouldn’t be naughty if you want to get lots of toys.
ME: You should if you want to get expensive toys.
HIM: You have DEFINITELY been a naughty little boy.
ME: Not always….sometimes I’m a naughty little girl.
HIM: Speaking of little… please get off my lap you’re cutting off my circulation… you weigh more than my sleigh
ME: Yeah but I’m more fun to ride. Now I don’t do reindeer but they can watch.
HIM: Please get off my lap, I’m losing consciousness.
ME: I want a candy cane.
HIM: Whatever… just get off of my lap… I have green one’s and red ones’s what’s your favorite color?
HIM: Just tell me what you want for Christmas and PLEASE get off of my lap. I’m seriously blacking out here.
ME: (I whisper in his ear)
HIM: I’m afraid what you want for Christmas Santa just don’t bring.
ME: (Whisper in his ear again)
HIM: No not even if you slide down MY chimney and bring your own special toys. Please get off my lap I can’t feel my legs any more.
ME: (Sniff Sniff) Tiffiany’s must be open… I smell Diamonds.
HIM: Somebody call 9-1-1. Ho.. Ho…
ME: Santa? Santa?