ME: UCLA beat USC
HIM: Fuck you, and the rest of you UCLA people.
ME: I’m not a UCLA person
HIM: You work there. You are a UCLA person.
ME: No, I’m a Michigan man. I do NOT care about ANY college but my alma mater….Michigan who killed Iowa today.
HIM: So fucking what… and you went to UCLA too.
ME: Just for my post doc, and that was their medical school… doesn’t count.
HIM: Yes it does. And again Fuck you.
ME: I thought you didn’t care about football. (enjoying his anger)
HIM: I don’t. I’m not like you. It just annoys me to lose to the University of Caucasians Lost Among Asians (UCLA)
ME: People who attend the University of Spoiled Children (USC) should not throw stones. (Drilling for a nerve)
HIM: University of Spoiled Children? University of Spoiled Children? Is THAT what you think. (Eureka! found that nerve) I was NOT spoiled. I’ll tell you who was spoiled… YOU… Mr. president of this, captain of that… Oh look at me I’m SOOOO special…
ME: I won’t apologize for being ambitious.
HIM: Well how about apologizing for being an arrogant, overachieving, asshole. And an annoying obnoxious BITCH!
ME: Bitch? Moi? Are you trying to tell me you’ve become a good judge of character in your old age. Do you think that is a positive consequence of the hair loss, or just a lucky collateral effect of those crows feet. (Struck a MAJOR NERVE)
HIM: I don’t have crows feet.
ME: Well technically no, because crows don’t have 13 toes… (start humming the UCLA fight song)
HIM: You know if I killed you, no jury in the world would blame me.
ME: (Continuing to hum the UCLA fight song)
HIM: You know I’ll go over to UCLA and blow that ugly ass bruin statue up and bring one of the paws back here and beat you senseless…
ME: (laugh) well I suggest you bring Tommy Trojan and a bunch of friends… but you’re welcome to try.
HIM: FUCCCCCCCK YOU! (Slams the door and leaves. A second later I see my Michigan Flag flying across the lawn… two seconds later i see it flying up in the air, I hear a thud on the roof)
ME: (Thinking: It’s a good thing he doesn’t care about football…)