ME: Wake up! Wake Up! It’s an emergency.
HIM: Huh? What? What’s going on?
ME: It’s 12 hours and 34 minutes until THE GAME.
HIM: What game?
ME: What game? WHAT game. THE GAME.
HIM: It’s late I’m exhausted and i have to be up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work.
ME: You can’t go to sleep. I need you I’m in crisis. I can’t find my “Fuck Ohio State” T-Shirt.
HIM: That is not a crisis.
ME: Are you kidding me. I ALWAYS wear that T-shirt for the game. It’s lucky. We might not win without it.
HIM: I gotta go to sleep.
ME: (Grab him and pull him up out of bed) I HAVE GOT TO FIND THIS SHIRT… NOW HELP ME…. (A flurry clothes are flying out of the T-shirt section of the closet.)
HIM: STOP IT!
ME: Help me find it.
ME: Why not? I have given you my life. I stopped smoking or you. I stopped looking at Internet Porn for you. I stopped doing drugs for you. I stopped forging your name on checks for you… I have DONE A LOT for you… now WHY CAN’T YOU HELP ME.
HIM: You were forging my name on checks.
ME: Not important right now. Help me find this shirt there’s only 12 hours and 23 minutes until the game.
HIM: You were forging my name on checks… Well NO WONDER I kept being overdrawn.
ME: Get over it… We don’t have time for that now.
HIM: Yes we do. Now how long has been going on?
ME: How long have we been married?
HIM: Married for 24, but we lived together for 2 years… so 26 years…
ME: Okay then well that long. Now help me find this shirt.
HIM: I can’t.
ME: Why not?
HIM: Because you’re not going to find it.
ME: Why not?
HIM: Cause I threw it out.
ME: (IN SHOCK) WHAT???? WHEN???? WELL WE HAVE TO DIG IT OUT OF THE TRASH.
HIM: No! Months ago. Last year I think, the last time you had it on…
ME: That was during basketball season.
HIM: It was all ratty and stained with God only knows what. i think it was trying to crawl down the street to find an egg to fertilize.
ME: I want a divorce. This is an INCREDIBLE VIOLATION of my trust.