Heartless

Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
ME: Why did you deactivate my heart monitor
HIM: Because in defiance of all clinical wisdom, your heart is fine, all things considered.
ME: Seriously?
HIM: Seriously. (perplexed) I JUST don’t get it. According to all of my medical training you should have died 2 years ago.
ME: Well i’ve always told you to write your medical school and ask for some of your money back.
HIM: This JUST doesn’t make any sense. I have 20 year-olds that have just one of your bad habits and they’re in much worse condition than you.
ME: What bad habits? I don’t have any bad habits.
HIM: You’re extremely overweight, your sodium intake is like a deer at a salt lick, and you have a history of severe drug and alcohol abuse and you avoid exercise like its HIV.
ME: Define severe and avoid.
HIM: You’ve been in Betty Ford more times than Gerald Ford and you’re so lazy you stick your nose out the window for the wind to blow it.
ME: Don’t judge me, and that’s not severe, that’s proactive recovery.
HIM: Oh yeah, great recovery. I busted you and Robert Downey Jr. the same day you were released from Betty Ford…
ME: For making one little cocktail… to celebrate our release. You TOTALLY overreacted.
HIM: You put ground up speed, dilaudid and 100 proof vodka in Tang!
ME: It’s called a Janis Joplin Mimosa.
HIM: it’s called disgusting and potentially lethal.
ME: Don’t judge me. I had just gotten out of BETTY FORD, I didn’t have any fresh OJ we had to use Tang.
HIM: Well at least you’ve been behaving lately.
ME: I’ve been VERY good. I haven’t had Tang in months.

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