Step Mommy Dearest

(Tucker & Robert come back from Surfing
TUCKER: What’s up Mommy Dearest? We had an amazing time. I totally love night surfing!
ME: Mommy Dearest? Do I look like Joan Crawford?
TUCKER: You’re at least as glamorous as Joan Crawford.
ME: Well that’s true… but never mind that…(to Robert) What the hell is wrong with you surfing at night he could’ve gotten bit by a mean fish!
TUCKER: A fish could just as easily attack me in the day.
ME: Stay out of this!
ROBERT: A fish could just as easily attack him in the day.
ME: Don’t make me beat you in front of your son. (To Tucker) And why do you even KNOW about Joan Crawford?
TUCKER: Relax Mommy Dearest. I’m NOT gay. My girlfriend makes me watch old movies with her.
ME: I see. And for the record, I wouldn’t care if you’re gay, I’m very liberal… this girl is Catholic right?
ROBERT: Hopefully she’s not, cause hopefully she’s putting out.
ME: You just WANT me to beat you in front of your child.
TUCKER: (To Robert) I’m watching old movies what do you think? (To me) Her name is Laylee.
ME: I don’t like her.
TUCKER: All you know is her name.
ME: That’s all I need to know. It doesn’t take all day to recognize rain.
ROBERT: Remember Tucker… Billi is a LFZ
ME: What the hell is that?
TUCKER: Logic Free Zone… I didn’t make it up he did.
ROBERT: Yeah I made it up. And you are a logic free zone… you don’t even know this girl; and you don’t like her.
ME: I know she’s making him watch Joan Crawford movies.
ROBERT: You make ME watch Joan Crawford movies.
ME: That’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT. We’re supposed to watch Joan Crawford movies. Surely, Tucker, you can see the logic in that.
TUCKER: Yes, Mommy Dearest. (Tucker and Robert burst out laughing)
ME: That’s not funny!
ROBERT: Then how come Tucker and I are laughing?
ME: Cause unfortunately, the apple never falls far from the big nosed tree!

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