(Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)
ME: Guess what I got invited to do a TED talk.
HIM: (Beyond jealous) WHAT? Are you serious? You got a TED?
HIM: What are you going to talk about? Let me guess (snide) something about why your brain is so screwed up.
ME: No… Actually…
HIM: Wait I’ll get it… I know… how you managed to have a custard cannon without having a Y Chromosome...
ME: Nope… but you’re getting warmer… either: Evolution, society and the redefinition of gender and the family unit or How simian fear of darkness and the brain’s proclivity to simplify and consolidate led to pigmentocracy.
HIM: Are they handing out pillows and blankets at your TED talk?
ME: Oh haha… See this is what happened… they found me on Huffington Post, became intrigued and researched me. They said I could talk about anything I wanted to. (Drilling for nerves)
HIM: And THESE are the two subjects you choose? (mocking) “Oh I am SO SMART… let me impress you with my PhD and obscure knowledge (Struck one!)
ME: I realize critical thinking is not your strong suit… They actually want me to talk about my life… (turning the dial to really obnoxious) they find me fascinating…
HIM: Well how nice for you. (struck another one) So when is this snooze-athon?
ME: Whenever… I got a lot of stuff going on with the new job, this is not a priority.
HIM: Since when is getting attention not a priority for YOU. (Incoming! BOOM! he strikes a major nerve)
ME: (Silence…while the smoke clears) So what’s up with you?
HIM: I’m on my way to Anaheim to a baseball game, I’m sick of baseball, I wish I didn’t have these damn season tickets and a lesbian asked me to donate sperm for a turkey-baster baby.
ME: Are you going to do it?
HIM: No. I only do direct deposit with my baby gravy.
ME: Oh please, I saw one of your sheets crawling down Pacific Coast Highway looking for an egg to fertilize.
HIM: You know I hope your head explodes and the shards of bone kill your ugly dog.