Wedding photo

The Happy Couple

“The M Word”

I, (insert name of fool #1), take you, (insert name of fool #2), to be my (husband/wife/whatever) to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

wedding cake

The Cake

Drama_PT

Ma’am

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger) ME: What! HIM: Is that anyway to answer a phone? ME: I’m pissed off  Some guy called up here and called me ma’am… AGAIN! HIM: (laughing) and so… you should be used to that by now. ME: So? So? So I’m in my butch phase.  And I’m using my butch voice… HIM: And apparently it is not working for you ME: Listen you, leg-shaving, opera going, metrosexual  twit…. HIM: Hey, nobody’s calling me ma’am on the phone.  Maybe you should rent a John Deere and shave your legs. ME: I don’t have hair on my legs. HIM: Well there’s your problem. When your testicles […]

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Navy’s Birthday

(Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardio;gist) ME: I forgot the Navy’s Birthday! HIM: Wow, and you’ve always been such a safe haven for Seaman ME: That are lots of  Navy personnel that never go to sea. HIM: I was taking about semen with two e’s and no a ME: You’re a dick. HIM: How fortunate for you. ME: Don’t flatter yourself. HIM: I never do that’s why God made women. ME: I feel so bad about missing the birthday of the Navy HIM: What is it about you and sailors ME: You mean what was it  I haven’t done a sailor in 30 years. I probably can’t even open […]

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St. Badger the Evil

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger) HIM:  I am so depressed. ME: I was earlier, but I’m better now. HIM: I’m thinking about going back to church, can you recommend one? ME: Well my parish is St. Augustine’s cause that’s where I live, you should try St. Monica’s, it’s a little liberal for my taste. HIM: What do you mean? ME: I like the old catholic stuff, latin mass, strict traditional ceremony, lots of toys, pageantry, confession, and repentance… HIM: I’m just going to get laid. ME: The try Our Lady of the Lake in Malibu, or St Martin Tours in Brentwood, or Corpus Christi in the Palisades… Or there’s […]

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Mourning of the Big Weasels

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger  Cardiologist) HIM: Do you wanna get drunk. ME: You know I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous HIM: Just take a break. ME: Believe me Michigan just lost to Rutgers!  I NEED a drink HIM: Wisconsin lost Northwestern and Stanford lost to ND, both of my alma maters lost. ME: Well my other alma mater will win… HIM: Oh yeah… I forget your UCLA med school roots…. ME: DO NOT remind me. HIM; (laughing) ME: What’s so funny? HIM:  You did your post doc at UCLA… you’re a loser NO Matter WHAT! ME: I TOLD you I couldn’t move my mother to Palo Alto she was too […]

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Ann Arbor’s First Streakers

(Me & Little Jeannie back in Ann Arbor in 74) ME: So have you heard about streaking? Nobody’s done it in Ann Arbor yet. We should be the first HER: Take a hit of this, I just got it. It some good shit. ME: (take a toke) (5 minutes later) ME: So what we were talking about. GUYS: You guys were going to streak. HER: Okay let’s do this. (We go outside on Monroe St. Behind South Quad) ME: This is going to be fun. (We take off clothes…. some guy screams….naked chick… the entire dorm…. starts rushing out onto the street) HER: Oh no girl! Run! ME: Run Where? […]

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Doing the Math

(Me & My Supermodel Friend) HER: You won’t believe who I was with? ME: Please tell me it wasn’t Bieber HER: Please, I feel like a cougar when I’m dating a 30-year old ME:  It’s a good policy…… when you’re in your 20’s date old men. When you’re my age you can date young men…. basic math. HER: How so? ME: 20 goes into 40 better than 40 goes into 20….  Plus young guys are usually broke… ‘That’s why you should date them when you’re old.  You can give them money. HER: Give a man money???? I can NOT believe that is coming out of your mouth.  Don’t you have […]

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Da God Children & Fonts

(Me & the Evil Badger) HIM: You’re a terrible fromo (straight guys gay  friend) ME: Maybe but I’m one of the 30 Most Influential Neuroscientists alive HIM: They were obviously using the terms alive and neuroscientist loosely ME: Who are the most influential cardiologists? (Drilling for nerves) HIM: I’ll ask you the next time you’re in severe afib (struck one!) ME: So I learned so much about fonts yesterday HIM: Really, what’s to learn its not spin physics ME: In some ways its more complicated. You know I basically used to use 3 fonts HIM: See that’s why you’re a terrible fromo, you should use at LEAST 85 fonts regularly. […]

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Manhandled In South Bend?

(Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: Did I see that score right Michigan lost 31 – 0 to Notre Dame ME: Yeah I know. Pretty unbelievable HIM: Appalachian State must be really bad ME: (Laugh) Well its just a non-conference game HIM: But wait, you HATE Notre Dame. ME: Yeah, I hate Notre Dame because they’re a displaceable, racist, horrible, hypocritical institution but as a football rival they’re irrelevant. HIM: Well they were pretty relevant yesterday ME: That was about how bad we played, not how good they are. Not important we dominate the series. We’re better than they are… end of story. HIM: WOW you are SO […]

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Badgered Back

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: How are you? ME: I’m weary, colored, fat, and 15 hours aways from 60. HIM: That’s great! ME: How is that great? The only good thing about being 60 is you can no longer die unexpectedly. HIM: Actually that’s 55. What should I do with my winnings. ME: What winnings HIM: I run this gambling pool for MD’s only at Cedars and we bet on things. ME: So basically you’re a cardio-bookie. You’re running an illegal gambling operation under the Star of David… have you no morals at ALL? HIM: With enough cash you don’t need morals, and I just made 10K […]

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Badgering a Badger

(Me & Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Well I see your Badgers successfully snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory HIM: So I suppose Michigan won today ME:  52-14 and it wasn’t as close as that score indicates HIM:  I don’t want to talk about football. ME:  I’m sure you don’t but I do. HIM: Well I”m calling the shots, whose the doctor here? ME: That would be both us. HIM: Of course you’d play THAT card. ME: You mean the a PhD in Neuroscience is a higher academic degree than an MD HIM: Whatever!  What else is going on? ME: Well I was included on this list […]

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Godson and Laws

HIM: Where are you going? ME: Downtown to get Deondray Gossfield a new bonzai tree, Quincy Gossfield killed D’s tree…. it was a subconscious attack on me. HIM: I thought you gave it to both of them for a wedding present. ME: I did. What’s your point? HIM: Deondray grabbed it and said,”this is mine and you can look at it.” ME: Well Quincy didn’t water it. And it was Quincy’s responsibility and you don’t understand these things… HIM: No, I do not understand how that was Quincy’s fault. ME: Of course not, cause you are not a god parent. HIM: They’re my God children too. ME: No they are not. HIM: Yes they are… […]

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Crazy?

ME: I think my colleagues at UCLA might think I’m insaneHIM: They don’t think that, they know that. ME: Seriously, I think this email I sent them a really long email this morning. HIM: Seriously, you think a long email is going to be why they think you’re crazy.ME: It’s not like I’m sitting on a roof staring in two a mood ring, wearing horizontal stripes. HIM: I rest my case.

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Way Back in 2012

(Me & one of the UCLA grads I work with)ME: Because we’re a team its important that we get to know each other . Tell me about yourself…. besides your degree is NOT neuroscience.HIM: Well, I like mountain bikingME: I’m guessing you went to prep school. HIM: Exeter. How did you know? ME: Not many black guys into mountain biking, Surprised you didn’t go to one of the Ivies. HIM: I considered it but I wanted a college with great academics and athletics. ME: Then why aren’t you at Michigan? HIM: (laughs) The weather. ME: Oh so the truth is you wanted a school with mediocre athletics, decent academics and great weather. HIM: […]

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Non Listening Skills

(Me and The Evil Badger)ME: (leaving a message on his voicemail) You’re not picking up you are probably man scaping.HIM: (calls back) I was not man scaping, I was getting my SUV polished, which is an extension of my penis. ME: I wasn’t going to say it.HIM: Yes you were. Now listen. I want to go to a soul food restaurant and have some real collard greens. ME: I can cook some real collard greens. HIM: No I mean with smoked Turkey and ME: Walter, I have been cooking collard greens since I was 10. i cook collard greens once a week. I love collard greens. HM: Seriously? ME: I am all […]

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TED TALK

(Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)ME: Guess what I got invited to do a TED talk.HIM: (Beyond jealous) WHAT? Are you serious? You got a TED? ME: Yup. HIM: What are you going to talk about? Let me guess (snide) something about why your brain is so screwed up. ME: No… Actually…HIM: Wait I’ll get it… I know… how you managed to have a custard cannon without having a Y Chromosome… ME: Nope… but you’re getting warmer… either: Evolution, society and the redefinition of gender and the family unit or How simian fear of darkness and the brain’s proclivity to simplify and consolidate led to pigmentocracy. HIM: Are they handing out pillows […]

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Anniversary

(Me & The Evil Badger) HIM: Did Robert get my condolences cardME: You’re a dick.HIM: Lucky for you huh.ME: Did you refer me to Jules Stein Eye Clinic? HIM: They’re reluctant to see you.ME: Why?  HIM: That last incident ME: That was 30 years ago HIM: They haven’t forgotten ME: I was different then; And I was frightened HIM: When the doctor came in to see you, You dropped to your knees, which I understand is a default reaction ME: I’m over you, and I’m over them. HIM: (enjoying this immensely) And you clutched him around the knees sobbing, and screaming “I just want to see one more sunrise, and my mamma […]

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Fingerpaint

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. How was your day? ME: One repossessed double wide trailer and a dead dog away from a Country and Western Song HIM: What happened? ME: There was a table malfunction at USC and my finger got smashed. HIM: That’s terrible. ME: Well not really. HIM: Why not? ME: Because I can take some oxycodone without guilt. HIM: Why don’t you just try a Tylenol? ME: Cause I don’t like to squander opportunities and how often do I get a legitimate reason to do a schedule IV drug. HIM: You’ll never change. ME: What? I have TOTALLY changed. HIM: No you’re still a druggie ME: Not […]

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Step Mommy Dearest

(Tucker & Robert come back from Surfing TUCKER: What’s up Mommy Dearest? We had an amazing time. I totally love night surfing! ME: Mommy Dearest? Do I look like Joan Crawford? TUCKER: You’re at least as glamorous as Joan Crawford. ME: Well that’s true… but never mind that…(to Robert) What the hell is wrong with you surfing at night he could’ve gotten bit by a mean fish! TUCKER: A fish could just as easily attack me in the day. ME: Stay out of this! ROBERT: A fish could just as easily attack him in the day. ME: Don’t make me beat you in front of your son. (To Tucker) And […]

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Short Distance

(Me & My Supermodel Friend) HER: Mmmmm…. I smell diamonds. ME: Me too, there is nothing like the smell of large freshly cut diamonds. HER: There must be a breeze from Tiffany’s. ME: I think it’s Bvlgari the pungent smell of large rubies and emeralds is also in the air. HER: Yeah don’t you just love the smells of Beverly Hills. ME: Yeah,It’s like the lovely aroma of 5th Avenue and Park Place in New York. HER: And You know what’s even better than that? Avenue Montaigne, Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré, Rue de la Paix, Place Vendôme in Paris. ME: Ginza, in Tokyo, you can smell the jewels and designer labels […]

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Favorite Flavor

(Me & My Supermodel Friend)HER: How are you?ME: Who is this? HER: You have NO right to be mad at me. ME: I have not heard from you in monthsHER: 4 days, and IF you had come to my party you would have heard from meME: Honey we’ve been through this… how was it HER: Beiber was wasted tried to hit on me, the Game tried to pick me up, you know bo Jelo’s old boyfriend tried to hit on me. ME: Jelo’s that Mexican girl right? HER: I suppose… Anyway, men are so lecherous, all of these guys were hitting on me. ME: You realize these men are just using you […]

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Non-booty Call

Me & Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: What is your problem? ME: Nothing, why? HIM: I’ve called you 4 times today and you haven’t picked up or returned my call. ME: Been slammed with work and you only called twice. HIM: I shouldn’t have to call at all, you’re my fromo. Everybody knows the gay guy calls the hot butch straight guy in a fromo relationship. ME: If my fromo was a hot butch straight guy I would call but you’re my fromo. HIM: Are you saying I’m not hot and butch. ME: That is EXACTLY what I’m saying: you are not hot, not butch, and only straight as […]

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Paprika Firepanties

Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist)HIM: Okay… which tie, this one or that one? I have a hot date.ME: Wear this one and blindfold her with this one so she doesn’t see it.HIM: My mom picked out these tiesME: How? By closing her eyes and throwing darts HIM: Listen I have a date with this stripper whose boobsicles are so massive you need Oxygen to climb them. You’ve actually met her…. Remember that Brazilian chick from the Spearmint Rhino ME: She barely speaks English… HIM: More importantly cannot even spell no. ME: She’s crazy. HIM: No she’s not. ME: Her stage name is Paprika Fire Panties… trust me… she might […]

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Partialist

(Me & Wally the Evil Badger) HIM: I just got a call from the physicians you saw at Jules Stein.ME: What did they sayHIM: They said they didn’t recognize you without excessive eye make-up, and on your knees sobbing and screaming, “I just want to see another sunset, over Lake Michigan” when your problem was you wearing too much mascara…(laughs)ME: I thought I had glaucoma, AND That was almostTHIRY YEARS AGO!! I want that incident expunged from my UCLA medical records. HIM: Listen I don’t care what undue leniency you’ve experienced with our floundering legal system caused by Americans inability to grasp the essential thought driving jurisprudence…. but Hospitals do not […]

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Partialist

(Me & Wally The Evil Badger)HIM: I am exhausted. What the fuck do you want?ME: You called me. HIM: Oh yeah. Don’t waste my time with details. ME: What’s wrong?HIM: My office mate is channeling her inner goat again,,, Women should NOT be doctors!ME: You hate women.  HIM: I don’t hate women, I love women, I am just a partialist ME: Meaning…. HIM: I like the pink canoe I just hate the baggage surrounding it ME: People are right… you are a sexist pig. HIM: Not people… some woman said that… ME: Every woman I know has said that. HIM: Oh yeah, well people say you are arrogant, elitist, flippant, and pretentious. […]

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Common

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger)HIM: Hey how are you? ME: I think I have ebolaHIM: I think you are ebola ME: Well I think you are a garden variety lesbian. HIM: (Insulted) Garden variety? I am MANY things, COMMON is NOT one of them! (hangs up the phone)

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Jocks will be Jocks

(Me & one of the Jocks I mentor)HIM: G guess what?ME: You were at the mallHIM: How did you know? ME: Cause you are at the mall so much the mannequins call you by name. HIM: Oh snap! So guess what?ME: You met a girl;  HIM: How did you know? ME: You eat, you burp, you go to the mall and you meet girls those are the only speeds on your dial HIM: NOT true, I work out, go to practice, and I smash ME: what is smash HIM: Seriously? Dude…. Smash… you know going to the bone yard… hammer time ME: We’ve been through this…. I speak old dude…. HIM: I’m […]

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Neuro-Nuts

(Me & Some kid who wants to work for me) HIM: Is this Dr. Billi GordonME: Yes it is. HIM: I am big fan of your blogs, and I loved your radio show, I know all about you and I really want to come to work for you. ME: Are you calling from the Atascadero State Hospital (Hospital for the criminally insane)HIM: No, I’m calling from Palo Alto…ME: I see. So, tell me about yourself…  HIM: I have a Ph.D. in Neuroscience from Stanford ME: And you want to work for me? Are you a fugitive from justice? HIM: (laughs) No. Why would you say that? ME: Because if you were, it would be […]

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Resumé-be

(Me & A 20-Something Hottie)HER: Your surgeon friend, Tim Neavin, asked to see my resuméME: So? HER: Well I’ve heard he’s kind of a ladies man ME: Honey, the last time he was near a “lady” was at his baptism. HER: Well actually I heard he was a womanizer and a sex fiend…ME: Womanizer, Sex Fiend… it’s a gray area-this is LAHER: So should I show him my ResuméME: First, ask him to define Resumé

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Heartless

Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Why did you deactivate my heart monitor HIM: Because in defiance of all clinical wisdom, your heart is fine, all things considered. ME: Seriously? HIM: Seriously. (perplexed) I JUST don’t get it. According to all of my medical training you should have died 2 years ago. ME: Well i’ve always told you to write your medical school and ask for some of your money back. HIM: This JUST doesn’t make any sense. I have 20 year-olds that have just one of your bad habits and they’re in much worse condition than you. ME: What bad habits? I don’t have any bad habits. […]

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Presidents

HIM: Did you know George Washington’s Teeth were actually made of elephants tusk not wood? ME: Glad we cleared that up. Who gives a damn. HIM: And Thomas Jefferson spoke 6 languages? ME: I heard he was packing. HIM: What? Where would you hear something like that? ME: At the salon. HIM: Your hair salon is an insane asylum with blow dryers. ME: My salon has a lot of inside relevant presidential information, I can tell you a LOT of things about Bill Clinton. HIM: Oh yeah, that dreadful Monica Lewinski goes there. ME: She is dreadful, and talk about split ends.. her hair looks like neurons. HIM: Whatever… Did […]

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Black Christmas

(ME being Santa Claus at a Mall in the hood with a Little kid) ME: Ho, ho, ho… Merrrrrrry Christmas HIM: Are you a blood? ME: No I’m not a blood? HIM: Then why you wearing red? ME: Cause I’m Santa Claus… HIM: So. This is Crip turf… You can’t wear red down here. Somebody will bust a cap in you ME: No they won’t I’m Santa Claus. HIM: So. The Crips don’t care if you the police. They will light you up wearing rival colors. ME: Why don’t you sit on Santa’s lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. HIM: Do WHAT? SIT ON YOUR LAP? We […]

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Obsession

HIM: What’s wrong with Julie? ME: Michigan beat Northwestern in OT HIM: Really? I thought she didn’t care about football. ME: Oh PLEASE. What do you think those purple and white balloons were about. HIM: What purple and white balloons? ME: In 1996 when Northwestern went to the Rose Bowl. She had all of those tacky purple and white balloons on her porch. HIM:1996? No I don’t remember that. ME: I can’t believe you don’t remember that. She got TOTALLY CARRIED AWAY. I’m SO GLAD my ego is not attached to Michigan football HIM: Are you serious? How can you say that with a straight face? You are OBSESSED with […]

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Big Sis

(Me and My Sister) The phone rings: it’s 6:00 a.m. I’ve been up writing until 4:00 a.m. ME: (thinking: this had better be God with money and coffee) Hello… Dr. Gordon… HER: What’s my doctor’s name? ME: Huh (coming into consciousness)Oh…Good morning sis. HER: What’s my doctor’s name? ME: What doctor? HER: The one you found for me that I like. ME: Gimme a second… I just went to sleep I have to wait for my brain to wake up. What’s wrong. HER: My left arm hurts/ ME: (Wake Straight Up) Hurts how? HER: It aches, from the surgery. ME: Oh okay (sigh of relief)… by the way I’m mad […]

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Trojans

ME: UCLA beat USC HIM: Fuck you, and the rest of you UCLA people. ME: I’m not a UCLA person HIM: You work there. You are a UCLA person. ME: No, I’m a Michigan man. I do NOT care about ANY college but my alma mater….Michigan who killed Iowa today. HIM: So fucking what… and you went to UCLA too. ME: Just for my post doc, and that was their medical school… doesn’t count. HIM: Yes it does. And again Fuck you. ME: I thought you didn’t care about football. (enjoying his anger) HIM: I don’t. I’m not like you. It just annoys me to lose to the University of […]

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Bitchin’ Ride

HIM: My car died. It’s something electrical, My mechanic can’t get to it until Monday, I have to work tomorrow, I have school on Monday, I wanted to surf with Tucker on…. ME: Relax, take a breath, just drive my car. HIM: I hate driving your car. ME: My car is great. HIM: It’s a mid-life crisis car. It’s embarrassing. ME: People love my car. Your car could bore an oak tree to death. HIM: You know who loves your car? Teenagers and 20-somethings. ME: It’s NOT a mid-life crisis car. HIM: A red convertible? Seriously? it’s SO mid-life crisis. ME: Becoming a doctor was my mid-life crisis thing… HIM: […]

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All About Trust

ME: Wake up! Wake Up! It’s an emergency. HIM: Huh? What? What’s going on? ME: It’s 12 hours and 34 minutes until THE GAME. HIM: What game? ME: What game? WHAT game. THE GAME. HIM: It’s late I’m exhausted and i have to be up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work. ME: You can’t go to sleep. I need you I’m in crisis. I can’t find my “Fuck Ohio State” T-Shirt. HIM: That is not a crisis. ME: Are you kidding me. I ALWAYS wear that T-shirt for the game. It’s lucky. We might not win without it. HIM: I gotta go to sleep. ME: (Grab him and pull […]

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Lucky Shirt

ME: Hello. HIM: Hi honey it’s me. ME: Why are you calling me from work? HIM: I wrecked your car. Well i didn’t wreck it. I parked it on the break wall and forgot to put it in park and it rolled into the LA Harbor. ME: Oh that’s okay, shit happens. HIM: Did you hear what I said? ME: Yeah, my car is at the bottom of the LA Harbor. HIM: Aren’t you upset about that? ME: I got other stuff on my mind. HIM: I know. Michigan lost the game. ME: Yeah… but it could be worse. HIM: How? ME: I could be an Ohio State alum… and […]

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The Fighting Irish Fan

(Me and the ONLY Notre Dame fan I can tolerate right now–my friend’s 7 year old son–on FB messaging) HIM: Notre Dame won! ME: Yes they did…. CONGRATULATIONS! HIM: You owe me $5.99 ME: Why? HIM: You lost the bet. ME: What bet? HIM: The bet about the game ME: I didn’t make a bet with you. HIM: So what, I made a bet with you. ME: But I didn’t know about it. HIM: So ME: Okay fair enough (Let’s face it I’m 58 going on 8… I completely understand that logic) HIM: So you have to get on a plane and fly here and pay the bet. ME: Do […]

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Event Planning

HIM: So i’ve decided that if I leave life guarding I want to become an event planner. ME: That’s great honey. I thought about doing that once, i wanted to specialize in coronations HIM: Of course, I want to specialize in coup d’état’s ME: Naturally, HIM: We could work as a team. ME: You know that won’t work. Remember the last time we tried to run a business together. HIM: Oh yeah (we laugh) People were betting on who would kill whom first, what weapon they used, and would they get away it. ME: I know, I was running the pool. I used the money from it to rent the […]

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Androl

Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist. ME: I want you to write me a prescription for Androl. HIM: And your Wolverines want to be in the B1G Ten Championship game… and that’s not happening either. ME: Fuck you. I want Androl. My testosterone is low. HIM: So are your morals but I’m not prescribing anything for that either. ME: You just want me to stay fat cause you’re a chubby chaser. HIM: I am NOT gay, and I am NOT a chubby chaser. ME: Then why won’t you give me the Androl? HIM: Why do you want testosterone? ME: Cause Kewl Tie says it gives you more energy and […]

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Naughty or Nice

Me And Santa Claus HIM: Ho… ho… ho… ME: Don’t judge me. We’re all ho’s… just a matter of services rendered and price. HIM: Merrrrry Christmas… my you’re a REALLY Big boy. ME: You’re no olympic gymnast yourself.. now what ya’ got? HIM: Have you been naughty or nice? ME: Aren’t they the same thing? HIM: No. Now have you been naughty or nice? ME: Can’t you be both? HIM: No. ME: Sure you can. It’s like being straight or gay; it depends on where I am and who I’m with. HIM: I can see you’ve been naughty. ME: In a very nice kind of way. HIM: You shouldn’t be […]

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Dying… AGAIN

Me And Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist ME: Wally I’m dying. HIM: It’s about time. According to all my medical training you died 10 years ago. ME: Seriously… HIM: I am serious… you’re like the bumble bee… We have no Idea why it flies. ME: The aerodynamics of bumble bees has been understood for years… some drunk German biologist started that myth and it became urban legend. HIM: So you’re dying of terminal nerdiness? ME: Don’t use the N word with me. HIM: You are a nerd… Now I’m going back to sleep… I was dreaming I was giving chest exams to the Australian women’s volleyball team ME: Well tie […]

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Gargling

HIM: WHAT are you doing? ME: Gargling HIM: I have never seen anything like that! ME: You’ve never seen anyone gargle before. HIM: I’ve seen lots of people gargle. I’ve never seen anybody make water bubble up out of their mouth like a water fountain. ME: I have strong throat muscles and and exuberant uvula. HIM: (dumbfounded) How do you do that? ME: Simple just fill your mouth with water and your throat pressure will send it up in a stream… just like Jellystone Park. HIM: Yellow stone park. You’re talking about the place where they have the geyser right? ME: Yeah, where Yogi Bear lives. It’s called Jellystone Park. […]

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God And Football

Me and The Priest in the hospital last weekend) HIM: Hi I’ve come to give you communion. ME: (I’m watching Michigan/Arkansas B-ball game on TV) Oh okay… HIM: What game are you watching? ME: Michigan/Arkansas HIM: Oh I went to Michigan. ME: So did I. I graduated in ’97 HIM: i graduated in ’76 ME: I should have graduated in the late 70’s but I took an extended Junior Year Abroad… HIM: 20 years that’s pretty extended. What country did you go to? ME: Hollywood, West Hollywood to be precise. HIM: Oh I see. Well it all seems to have worked out you’re a doctor now. ME: Yeah, whatever, so […]

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Kiss

HIM: Thanks for going out with me. HER: Thanks for asking me out, I had a great time. HIM: Can I kiss you good night. HER: If you have to ask… No.

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Step Mommy Dearest

Me & Tucker (my stepson) HIM: Good morning Step Mommy Dearest ME: Are you in jail? HIM: No. Disappointed? ME: A little… and STOP calling me Step Mommy Dearest! HIM: Sorry No can do. ME: You get on my last nerve. HIM: Not buying it. You ADORE ME. Don’t ya? Come on, you love me to death,,.. don’t ya? (we laugh) ME: What do you want? And when are you going to start acting like a college student and start going to jail for civil disobedience? HIM: The 70’s are over, so that would be a never. Anyway, I want to talk about Thanksgiving. ME: What about it? You, your […]

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Amish Porn

HIM: Hi honey I’m home–lots of tension in South Bay… angry Republicans. ME: I know… and already partisan politics is starting up. HIM: When are they going to realize we breath the same air, drink the same water, and what happens to some of us, affects all of us. ME: I know it’s like trying to find good Amish girl-on-girl porn. HIM: Yeah…(Stops abruptly) WHAT did you say? ME: Nothing… just chatter. HIM: Yes you did. You said Amish girl on girl porn. You’re a freak… and a closet heterosexual. ME: I was just making a point. And who has a child? NOT me. HIM: You’re just lucky, Orgy King. […]

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Halloween

ME: What is this? HIM: The Halloween Candy for the trick-or-treaters ME: I have these balloons and and whistles I refuse to give sugar to the children. HIM: Don’t be ridiculous, it’s Halloween. Who wants a whistle? ME: Lots of kids. HIM: You’ve lost you mind, and I don’t want to get tee-peed. ME: Sugar is a drug… and I am NOT handing out drugs to children. HIM: blah, blah, blah, I’m giving the kids candy NOT balloons and whistles. ME: Well don’t forget the horns for your costume HIM: I’m going as Aqua Man… Aqua man doesn’t have horns. ME: Well you should since what you’re doing is truly […]

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Trick or Treat

(Me and Obdurate Trick-Or-Treater) TOT: Trick Or Treat! ME: Happy Halloween! (Give him a tangerine, and close the door) TOT: (POUNDS on the door) Open up! (I open up the door) What is this? ME: It’s a tangerine. TOT: I know what it is buddy! Why the hell are you giving me this? ME: Cause it’s Halloween and you’re trick or treating and this is the treat. TOT: A tangerine? Really? Who are you supposed to be…the lunch room lady? ME: No. I’m a concerned adult who doesn’t want you to get addicted to sugar. TOT: Look give me candy! ME: No! I gave you a healthy treat. TOT: Where’s […]

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Embracing Your Cosby

HIM: I have been worried to death. Are you okay? ME: Relax, I’m fine. HIM: What happened? ME: Some kid had a gun and decided to get stupid and try and take my car. HIM: HE HAD A GUN? HE HAD A GUN? HE HAD A GUN? ME: Of course he had a gun. It was an attempted carjacking… What do you think he was going to do try to take my car with an insult. HIM: Where were you? ME: In the hood. HIM: What were you doing in the hood. ME: Treating my nose to smells of my childhood… the sweet aroma of hot grease from the You […]

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Exit Strategies

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: I hear you almost got car jacked. ME: Yeah, it was right after I called you. HIM: THANK GOD you didn’t killed. ME: Awww… HIM: Stop flattering yourself Gayzilla… I was just thinking about scrounging around for something good to say about you at your funeral. ME: You are a pompous, insensitive, self-obsessed asshole. HIM: Water seeks its own level… especially polluted water… So, have you thought about what happens when you expire? I have. I know what I’m doing and I know what you should do. ME: Of course. Well I’ve thought about it too. You die, I get money; I […]

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Turtles

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: So let’s go to Plan B. I’m in the mood for candy. ME: When did you start eating candy? You never eat sugar. HIM: weiner candy… not Snickers…..you ho-mo-ron …but of course you think food. ME: Oh really? Why is that you emaciated metrosexual twit? HIM: Because you eat like a bear with a tapeworm. ME: Not true. My eating habits are impeccable HIM: Please. I caught you naked with an empty bucket of KFC, dipping a Haagen Daz ice cream bar into a can of frosting. ME: That was a LONG TIME ago. HIM: Not long enough… I’m scarred for life […]

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Planning Ahead

HIM: How come you’re sleeping with sunglasses on? ME: Because I’m brilliant and I love you. HIM: What? ME: You know how when I wake up in the morning and the sun is shining bright… HIM: (sighs) Yes… and you let out a blood curdling scream, then grab your sunglasses. ME: EXACTLY! And you hate that… HIM: Me, the neighbors, and every cat in the neighborhood. ME: Sleeping with my sunglasses on solves the problem. HIM: Seriously, this is your solution to this? Too weird. ME: What? You are always bitching at me about not planning for the future… so I plan for the future… and you call me weird. […]

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To The Evil Belong The Spoils

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. ME: (I’m on the phone with my friend whose a Stanford Alum… doing what old Michigan and Stanford Alums do best… successfully drilling for nerves) “We scored 9 Touchdowns” “Isn’t U-Mass a D-3 school?” “Cal is going to win the Pac 10” “Ohio State looked good today” (We hang up) HIM: Who was that? ME: Dan Pyne… (the moment I’ve been waiting for is almost here…) We were talking about the Stanford – USC game… I was harassing him… HIM: (typical arrogant USC alum) How bad did we beat them? I’ve been waiting for this day for a year. ME: (The Moment has arrived!) It […]

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Rather Be On Crack

ME: I am SO glad they didn’t have computers when I was a kid. HIM: Why? ME: Because my parents were really poor HIM: and you don’t think they would have gotten you a computer. ME: oh no, they definitely would have. HIM: then what’s the problem. ME: They drank a lot and were out of it. HIM: Yeah so. ME: I might have ended up on a PC instead of a Mac. HIM: You REALLY hate PC’s ME: I’d rather be on crack than on a PC. HIM: But what about a treadmill ME: What? HIM: Would you rather be on a PC or a treadmill. ME: I’ll have […]

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Definite Danger

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: Hurry up. I told you to be ready. ME: And I told you, you are not putting in money in bank account, food on my table or no you know what in my you know where… so I do NOT take orders from you. HIM: Okay… I could have lived my life without hearing that… you disgust me on every level.. now let’s go. I’m driving because you drive like a bitch, which makes sense because you are SUCH A BITCH. ME: WHAT is the big emergency and the big rush about getting cleaning stuff? HIM: it’s private. ME: Not if you […]

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Awesome

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist 4 Days ago) HIM: I’ll call you right back. I’m going into an elevator ME: Okay…. (Four days later… he hasn’t called back) ME: Eminence… (one of my nicknames for him) HIM: Yes sire…. (one of his nicknames for me) ME: Are you out of the elevator yet? HIM: (laughs) oh sorry…. I got distracted. so wassup? ME: Wassup? We’re friends. We’re supposed to talk on the phone. HIM: You’re so needy. ME: I am NOT needy. HIM: Speaking of needy. I want to borrow some of that weird Cleaning stuff that you gave me, I’m out. What’s the name of it. ME: […]

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How Do You Like Your Pain

HIM: You know we play Stanford next week. ME: Yeah, you’ll kill Stanford. HIM: I hope so, I HATE Stanford. ME: And they hate USC. HIM: You know your old coach is coaching at Arizona. ME: (roll my eyes) Yes everybody knows that. HIM: I didn’t. I thought he wasn’t a good coach. ME: No he’s a good coach. He just wasn’t right for the culture of Michigan football. But Arizona Football doesn’t have a culture… so it’s a perfect fit. HIM: As long as he doesn’t get arrested for being an illegal alien in by that maniac Arizona sheriff. ME: Arizona is horrible. It’s like Indiana or Ohio with […]

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9-11

ME: Did you know today was 9-11? HIM: Of course, because my brain was not destroyed by drugs and I am aware of the world around me. ME: Whatever. I’m aware of the world around me. HIM: Yeah, if it’s about you. ME: Well 9-11 was a dark day in my life. HIM: I’m surprised you feel this way. ME: Are you kidding? It was the day I started my Ph.D. HIM: Yup a dark day for you, and even darker for neuroscience.

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Far From The Diva

HIM: I got up at 4:00 a.m. went for a bike ride, then went surfing… and you’re still asleep. ME: I worked until 2:00 a.m. and it’s 8:00 a.m. HIM: So wake up. You know what I love? ME: Obviously, mornings, HIM: No. My American History class. ME: American History… could bore an Oak Tree to death. HIM: Do you know who Lord Baltimore was. ME: Yeah, some guy they named a cake after. HIM: Not to mention the CITY of Baltimore. ME: Yeah, Baltimore’s very ghetto, but the soft-shelled crabs are good. HIM: You relate everything to food. ME: Look at me, this is surprising to you? HIM: Do […]

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Early Morning Birthday Greetings

( Me and Wally The evil badger cardiologist) HIM: (drunk) Happy Birthday Bitch! ME: Why are you calling me at 4:00 a.m. HIM: Cause it’s your birthday and I’ve been out celebrating with some friends. Say hello to Felatia, Koytus, and Skittles. ME: Have you been up drinking all night at the strip clubs? HIM: Is it morning? ME: Yes, HIM: Then I’ve been up drinking all night at the strip clubs. Koytus wants to talk to you… Koytus this is Dr. Gordon HER: Hi Dr. Gordon.. this Koytus,,,and that’s spelled with a K and a Y. ME: how very clever. HER: So what kind of doctor are you? HIM: […]

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Hey La, Hey La

ME: (Singing) (to the tune of “My Boyfriend’s Back”) ♫❤♫❤♫❤My Cellphone’s back and I’m gonna call Clary hey la, hey lay, My cellphone’s back♫❤♫❤♫❤ HIM:I’m REALLY stressing out about this jury duty. ME: ♫❤♫❤♫❤My Cellphone’s back and I’m gonna text my agent. Hey la, Hey la, my cellphone’s back♫❤♫❤♫❤ HIM: This is just going to mess up EVERYTHING ME: ♫❤♫❤♫❤My Cellphone’s back and I’m going to call my buddy in … hey la, hey la, my cellphone’s back. Yeah… you know I was dying… Yeah, I was really was trying… I said I could live without it, but I really was lying… hey la, hey la… my cellphone’s back♫❤♫❤♫❤ HIM: […]

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Build It And They Will Come

HIM: I’m freaked out about this Jury Duty. ME: Yeah, yeah, yeah… I have some GREAT NEWS. HIM: Really? What? ME: MY CELLPHONE will be back from the manufacturer tomorrow!!! HIM: What am I going to do about this jury duty? ME: I tried to solve the problem for you, but you wouldn’t let me. HIM: Throwing away the summons is not solving the problem. ME: It solves it for me. Besides I told you my cellphone will be back tomorrow. Then the problem will be solved. HIM: How will that solve the problem? ME: My cellphone is full of judges’ phone numbers that can fix this for you. HIM: […]

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Just My Job

HIM: Does Michigan have a football game today? ME: You know I can’t believe you’re responsible for 1000’s of people’s safety at the beach and you’re this clueless. HIM: What? ME: Am I at the bar with the alumni association getting drunk and watching Michigan crush somebody? HIM: You don’t always go watch the game with those other arrogant maniacs. ME: Is the television on? Am I wearing a Michigan shirt? Is “Hail to the Victors” playing on surround sound? Is my Michigan Letter Jacket on the couch. HIM: No. ME: Well then there’s not a game. HIM: Well then how come you have the Michigan Flag flying on the […]

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Jury Summons

HIM: What is this? ME: Junk mail. HIM: This is NOT junk mail. This is a 2nd jury summons! ME: Yeah, like I said, junk mail. HIM: What happened to the first one? ME: I threw it out with the rest of the junk mail. HIM: You can’t throw away a jury summons. ME: You know how non-sensical that statement is. I threw it away weeks ago, so obviously I can. HIM: I mean you’re not supposed to. ME: Well that’s a whole different thing. HIM: Don’t nit pick with me. This is terrible. They are threatening to arrest me. ME: They’re not going to arrest you. HIM: You don’t […]

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The M Factor

HIM: Hi honey I’m back, what you looking at? ME: This old picture of your mom in LA Times with Betsy Bloomingdale, Elizabeth Taylor, and whose this woman? HIM: Georgia Frontiere, remember her from my father’s memorial service? ME: Not really, but why do I know that name? HIM: She was good friends with my god mother and she used to own the rams. ME: Oh yeah, she’s the one who drowned her husband. HIM: She was SUSPECTED of that. But there was never any proof. She was a very nice woman. She used to sneak cookies upstairs to me and my brothers when my parents had cocktail parties. ME: […]

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When… To Be or Not To Be… A Doctor

(Me And Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Wally… good morning HIM: (Hung over and pissed off) Why the fuck must you insist on calling me early on Sunday mornings. ME: I’m lonely. Robert went to work. HIM: This is not a medical problem. Call your psychiatrist. ME: I thought we were best friends. HIM: You’re my best friend. I”m not your best friend. Call Alex ME: Oh just wake up and talk to me. You have to wake up anyway we have to do the radio show. HIM: The radio show is at 4 in the afternoon. It’s 8 o clock in the fucking morning. ME: Did you have […]

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My Hero

(Me And The Chief of the Medical Staff at NY Presbyterian) HIM: How can I help you Dr. Gordon? ME: It’s how I can help you Eliot. HIM: Please explain. ME: I have one word to say to you: JCAHO HIM: (Nervous) Go on. ME: My oldest and dearest friend just had surgery and is in your hospital and there are some issues with your nursing staff. HIM: If this is a nursing issue why aren’t you talking to the nursing office? ME: Because I learned from Muhammad Ali if you kill the head, the ass will die. HIM: Interesting way of putting it, but I understand and respect your […]

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Stethoscopes and Old Tangerines

(ME and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: I will strangle you with my stethoscope, burn your body in a trash can on skid row and piss on the ashes! ME: Wally I presume… HIM: Did you post a picture of me on Facebook in my orange underwear? ME: I don’t know, I’m hardly ever on Facebook. HIM: Please! The only thing you’re on more than Facebook is drugs. ME: I’m insulted. HIM: How DARE YOU post a picture of me in my underwear on Facebook! I refuse to be objectized! ME: Don’t worry you’re not being objectized….you didn’t get a single like. HIM: WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? NOT ONE […]

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P for Ponytail

HIM: I think I’m going to wear a Pirate hat to work tomorrow. ME: Why? HIM: Cause I’m bored. ME: Oh like the time I cut my hair in mohawk to scare the white folks and the asians at UCLA HIM: This is not the same. ME: No cause wearing a Pirate’s hat to work is just lame. HIM: Getting your hair cut in a mohawk is ridiculous. ME: My Mohawk was fabulous. HIM: It was stupid. ME: Then why didn’t you say anything? HIM: I did and you didn’t listen cause you never do. ME: You didn’t listen to me about the pony tail of yours. HIM: I cut […]

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Club Sports

(Me and Greg Clary on the phone) HIM: Greg Clary… ME: How’s the morphine in New York? HIM: Better than LA (Default response) ME: I doubt that, just uglier and hairier like the women in NY. (Default response) So how you feeling? HIM: I’ve felt better. ME: But your surgeon says your surgery was a total success. HIM: I haven’t talked to the doctor yet. ME: Well it was and he’ll tell you when he sees you. HIM: My throat is really sore they put this tube down my throat… ME: Yeah they have to intubate you for the surgery. It’s just a small tube. HIM: Small my ass. This […]

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“Good” Catholic

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: What’s this phone number you’re calling from. ME: My digital home phone… my cellphone had to be sent to the manufacturer to repair. HIM: What’s this 424 area code? ME: It’s the new 310… for the West side. HIM: I haven’t heard of it. ME: Cause you’re out of it. That’s CAA’s area code… haven’t you been called by CAA before? HIM: No. I guess I’m not talented enough. ME: Well that’s true, but anyway, more important stuff. Where the fuck is my car? HIM: In your driveway asshole. ME: When did you bring it back? HIM: After my date. Around 6:00 […]

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Things

HIM: Good morning honey… ME: Connect the digital phone. HIM: That’s the first thing you have to say to me in the morning? ME: Apparently yes, now connect it. HIM: Why do you need it? And why can’t you do it? ME: I told you, I saved $30.00 a month on our cable/internet package by adding digital phone service, and I can’t do things that involve things… HIM: Things that involve things? ME: You know like plugs and cords and you know things. HIM: Oh yes, “things” ME: I hate things cause they’re SO restrictive and not… HIM: Not compatible with your ridiculousness, as in you have to put the […]

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Muscle Car… He’s BACK!

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: Where the fuck are you? ME: I’m at home and what kind of way is that to greet someone. HIM: You were supposed to pick me up at the airport. ME: OH was that TODAY? HIM: YES IT WAS TODAY… now get on your hefty-sized broom and come and get me. ME: It’s too hot, Robert will be home soon… take a taxi. HIM: NO! Come and Get ME! NOW! YOU PROMISED! ME: I also promised to exercise everyday. I’m on my way. (20 minutes later) HIM: Thanks for coming to get me. ME: No problem. Sorry I forgot. How was Rome? […]

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Help With Your Bags

(I pull up with groceries, as he rides up on his bicycle from work) HIM: Hi honey. ME: Help me with these bags HIM: The ones in your car or the ones under your eyes? ME: Joke all the way to the bank, because you’re paying Tim for my eye surgery. Cause you put these bags under my eyes! HIM: I’m not old enough to have achieved such a monumental feat. ME: This is not funny. Look at me. I look like something they dug up on an archeological dig in The Valley of the Kings. HIM: Don’t you mean The Valley of the Dolls. ME: Fine! So I did […]

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Cheesy

(ME And Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Happy Best Friends Day! HIM: I”m not getting you a gift. ME: You never get me any gifts. Birthdays, Christmas. HIM: That is not true. And you give me TERRIBLE gifts! ME: I do not. HIM: My last birthday you gave me a portable glory hole. ME: You have to admit that was funny. HIM: I opened that thing in front my staff. ME: Well that part was unfortunate. HIM: The UNFORTUNATE part was that the head of cardiology at Cedars was also at my party. ME: (lying) So I got you a great best friend’s day gift. HIM: I don’t want […]

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Not As Bad As The Crusades

Me And Fr. Victor (a Catholic Priest) ME: Fr. Victor what a lovely surprise. HIM: I heard you had been in the hospital and I was in the neighborhood, I just thought I’d stop by and check on your soul. ME: Oh haha… how did you know I was in the hospital. HIM: I’m on twitter and you tweet like a flock of parakeets. ME: Yeah it’s true. HIM: So how are you doing spiritually? ME: You mean since I left the Catholic Church? HIM: You haven’t left the Catholic Church. You’re just confused? ME: But I don’t believe Jesus Christ was God. HIM: I thought we settled that. You […]

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Patron Saint of Sleaze

HIM: Welcome home! I’m SO GLAD you’re home ME: It’s nice to be home. How was work? HIM: Its been horrible… the heat wave the beaches are crowded ME: But it’s nice and cool down here. HIM: Well what shall we fight about? ME: Why should we have a fight? HIM: Because we always fight…. ME: Well I have nothing to fight about. HIM: Well I have a list. 1) These sleazy doctors you posted on your page 2) This kinesiologist, 3) all of these email addresses on the back of this prescription. ME: I’m friendly and I posted those pictures for my female friends are sex camels. HIM: Oh […]

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My Butch Picture

(3:30 A.M.) HIM: Hi Honey…. ME: What are you doing here? What time is it? HIM: I had to see you before I go to work, and I have to be at work at 5:00 a.m. You know summer is brutal. for lifeguards. Yesterday was horrible ME: Did you see Katie Pyne at the beach yesterday? HIM: Billi, there were THOUSANDS of people at the beach yesterday. ME:So what… How can you not be able to pick Katie out in a crowd? HIM: Look I treated 7 people who stepped on stingrays, had 5 rescues, 20 prevents, stopped 18 people from smoking on the beach, 39 couples from having sex […]

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Life Threatening Situations

Me & My Nurse: cute-asian-straight-male-married) HIM: I need to readjust your leads. ME: Okay… (I take the lead and clamp it on my nipple) HIM: Dr. Gordon! ME: Sorry, force of habit;. HIM: So I want to take your temperature. ME: Let’s do it rectally. HIM: Okay…. fine… ME: Wait. You were supposed to be shocked and appalled. HIM: Hey We don’t have a wine list like Cedars… but we pride ourselves on customer service and satisfaction. (We laugh) ME: Ha! You got me…. HIM: You like to laugh. Even when you were feeling very bad you still made jokes. ME: Laughing is easy exercise… and I prefer to save […]

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Medical Genius?

(Me & Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: HOW DARE you send Nic in here to torment me. HIM: I told you I was just doing my job… checking on blood circulation from the heart… You have to be creative when you’re practicing medicine across the pond…. ME: Listen Walter, what if I was sleazy like you, and I did this man and it broke up my marriage? HIM: You are sleazy like me… You just knew Robert might walk in the room any minute…. and you were just afraid of getting caught. ME: Totally not true. And you’re reprehensible. You know the Medical Board would crucify you for doing […]

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Revenge of the Evil Badger

(I’m half asleep… a SMOKING HOT doctor comes into the room) HIM: Dr. Gordon. ME: Call me Billi. HIM: Only if you call me Nic ME: And you are? HIM: Whatever you want me to be…. proctologist, ENT, urologist…. I’m a multi-specialist ME: Wait are you one of the hospitalist on my medical team? HIM: No generally i bat for the other team…. but I could switch hit. ME: (Thinking: Did they give me some drugs and I don’t know about it…. ) (Look around for a dilaudid drip, in a 25% Tequilla solution…. t HIM: So let’s close the door and play doctor doctor. ME:(Thinking: 25 years of marriage […]

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Time Zones

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Ciao come va? HIM: (Groggy) What? Who is this? ME: What do you mean who is this? It’s me. HIM: What the fuck are you calling me at 4:30 in the morning for. ME: I’m not. It’s 7:30. HIM: In Los Angeles. But I’m in Rome remember. ME: Yeah but I’m in LA and I’m self-referential remember? HIM: What do you want? ME: Nothing. HIM: You call me up at 4:30 a.m. and you want nothing. When I get back. I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY STETHOSCOPE ME: Promises…. asphyxophilia is fun. Well I’ll let you go back to sleep HIM: No. […]

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Karma

(Me and Wally The Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: Good morning Sunshine. ME: (waking up) Huh? Who is this? HIM: It’s your favorite physician. ME: (in a fog) Dr. Weinberg? What’s wrong with your voice? HIM: This is not Dr. Weinberg! Wake up! Do I sound like a woman? ME: Oh YOU. What time is it? HIM: It’s 1:30 in the afternoon. Get up! ME: It’s 4;30 in the morning. HIM: Not in Rome. ME: You vitriolic asshole. You are not well. HIM: Is this your official diagnosis Dr. Gordon… or are you just hoping. ME: Okay, I woke you up at 4:30 A.M. You woke me up at 4:30 a.m. […]

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Wally’s Big Secret

(Me and Wally the Evil Badger) ME: Wallly I collapsed outside of Keck HIM: Were you drinking negrodophilus? ME: no. HIM: You sound scared. Where are you now? ME: Admitted on the 7th floor. HIM: Whose the attending? I want to talk to him. ME: I dunno… Wing, Wang, Wu. Wong or something like that. HIM: I’ll call you right back. (Ten minutes later) HIM: It looks like you have a cellulitis… and you’re dehydrated. ME: Wally I’m scared. HIM: Is Robert there? ME: Yeah… He’s more scared than me. HIM: Stop being such a queen. There’s no reason for you to be scared. ME: Wally am I going to […]

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A Difficult Patient

ME And The Chief Resident. HIM: Dr. Gordon… ME: Do NOT speak to me! HIM: What’s wrong? ME: I’ll tell you what’s wrong? i started ordering breakfast this morning and I was told that I was restricted to the cardiac diet. HIM: Well I did that because… ME: (I start throwing processed foods at the wall…like high-fructose corn syrup jellies , SO CALLED “heart smart” NOT processed spreads….) You did it because YOU are a NORMY! And YOU are NOT current on the research. These aren’t foods these are drugs! How DARE YOU TRY TO PUSH DRUGS ON ME! HIM: (picking them up off the floor) But, but, but… from […]

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And You Can Call Me Dr. Gordon

(Me & The Young Chief Resident Physician) ME: Dr. Zall HIM: You can call me Ron HIM: And you can call me Dr. Gordon. ME: When can I call you by your first name? ME: Someday, maybe… we’ll see… so what do you want? HIM: Well I have good news your white count in going down. How do you feel? ME: Like the southwest corner of a sapphic Mandrill’s left titty. HIM: Is that good or bad? ME: Are you a dyke? HIM: NO. How could I be? I’m a man. ME: Some men are butch enough to be dykes; you’re not… but some guys are… HIM: Yeah well… well […]

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Olympic Dreams

HIM: Do you hear Michael Phelps retried after winning his last gold metal. ME: Yeah, he’s a Michigan man… like me… HIM: He’s a Michigan man, but I don’t know how much like you he is. He’s more like me. I’m a swimmer. ME: He’s also smokes pot… like me. HIM: You haven’t smoked pot in years ME: it’s like riding a bike… And I bet I could compete with Michael Phelps at pot smoking better than you could at swimming. HIM: I am a REALLY good swimmer. ME: I could have gone to the Olympics if I had focused. HIM: Please. In WHAT? Posing for pictures is NOT an […]

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Happy Anniversary – 24 (And SO MUCH More)

HIM: Hi honey… I’m running out the door to go swimming I’ll be back. ME: Okay.. I’ll make dinner. (Thinking: He’s going to get me an Anniversary present.,,, I bet t will be fabulous I’ll make him Steak Piazziola, and carve an anniversary watermelon cake. (90 minutes later… the watermelon cake is now a fruit smoothy and I have marinara sauce splattered from asshole to appetite) HIM: I’m back. Boy what a day; This this guy at work, another lifeguard…” ME: (GLARING) HIM: Is something wrong? ME: Is something wrong? YES something is very wrong! HIM: Do I have sunscreen smeared on my face. ME: Today is OUR ANNIVERSARY. HIM: […]

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AS And ET

(My Angelic Self and My Evil Twin) AS: How come I can’t sleep? I went to bed at 1:00. I woke up at 4:00 ET: You can sleep, you just need booze and barbiturates. AS: I’m not Judy Garland. ET: No because you have a voice that scares the fur off of cats… EXCEPT when you take uppers. Fuck sleep. Take some uppers and give a concert. AS: I’m a doctor, not a drug addict. ET: You’re not a drug addict if they’re prescription. AS: Yes you are. You’re just a prescription drug addict. Maybe I should just meditate. ET: Let me know how that works out for you. That […]

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AS vs ID

(My Angelic Self and Inner Demon) ID: I told you Robert would forget their Anniversary. Pay me my money. AS: You don’t win the bet until the day is over. ID: You know he forgot. AS: No I don’t. ID: How shall we have Billi punish him… tears, theatrics, he’s a pro at that. Or the 3-Day Silent treatment. He can do that. He’ll need some drugs to distract him. AS: I’ll have NO PART of this. Billi’s bigger than that. ID: Physically yes, emotionally he’s a gnat. AS: Not true. Billi’s changed a lot. ID: Not THAT much. AS: Come on, not only does he know what year it […]

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ALARM clocks

(Me and One of My former Students) HIM: Good morning ME: What time is it? HIM: 6:00 a.m. ME: Are you in jail or the hospital? HIM: No. ME: Then why the fuck are you calling me at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday? HIM: You’re not up? What time do you normally sleep until? ME: I’m indulgent… probably 8:00 o’clock. HIM: So are you busy today? ME: Yes, very. Why? HIM: Well if you weren’t busy, would you come to my game? ME: Of course. HIM: Well it’s at the Staple’s Center. How do I get to the Staples Center from my house? ME: So NOW we get to the REAL […]

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Threatening Vegetables

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. ME: I’m in the bedroom. HIM: (Looking at my giant lemon cucumber) WHAT is THIS? ME: A lemon cucumber. Isn’t it FABULOUS? HIM: No, it’s disgusting. Where did you get it ME: I grew it in the garden. Aren’t you proud of me? HIM: NO. And WHY do you have it in the bedroom? ME: It’s your replacement. HIM: Good, I’m exhausted. Have fun. Call me when it’s over. Seriously, WHY do you have this thing in here. ME: I have it in here because I was playing with Ashlee, Heather and Genevieve on Facebook. HIM: mhm… Are you sure? ME: Of course I’m sure. […]

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Dick Fil-A

ME: Still depressed? HIM: Yup. You? ME: Yup. I cannot believe how dumb America is. It’s unreal to me that A) Romney is the best the Republicans can do, and B) people are actually considering voting for him. I’m unfriending and blocking people on FB left and right. HIM: I know, middle income people and women, it’s unbelievable. ME: Lot of it’s racism. I wish Obama was white. There wouldn’t be a problem. HIM: There’d still be the Christians and the misogynists. ME: True. For men who claim to be straight, there’s a LOT of woman hating going on. And I’m so angry with those stupid black antil-gay ministers… those […]

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More Than One Way To Kill A Bear

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. ME: You’re home early. Something wrong? HIM: Yeah, WHY are you posting all of these men on your page… AGAIN? ME: Cause I was in an argument with Greg Easter about whether or not American men were cuter than Russian men… and I was proving a point. HIM: Come on Russian men homely as hell. It was their ugliness that staved off the Germans in WWII. ME: What does Greg know about hot men? He’s straight. HIM: Yeah… his idea of a hot man is somebody that can kill a bear with a vodka bottle. ME: Well that is kind of butchalicious. HIM: I could […]

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3 X Chromosomes

Me & Kewl Tie (Tim Neavin) at 2:00 A.M. on FB ME: I’m trying to find an old boyfriend on FB who I had a torrid affair with when I first came to LA HIM: Are you drinking? ME: No. HIM: Then you need to start. You have a great spouse what’s wrong with you? ME: I’m not trying to find him to do him. I just want to find out what happened to him and explain something. I’m sure he’s married and has kids, and probably grand kids… HIM: So what is it that you want to explain? ME: I was supposed to meet him by Groman’s Chinese Theatre […]

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Neighborhood Watch

HIM: That guy down the street’s a TOTAL DICK. ME: The one on the other side of Mrs. Carrillos? HIM: Yeah, What’s his problem? ME: Well there are three. HIM: Really? ME: Yes. 1) He’s an Executive at Fox, 2) He’s an idiot, and 3) He as a small penis. HIM: HOW did you find all of this out? ME: I knew he was hiding something because every time I asked his wife what he did, she changed the subject… So I googled him… That’s how I found out he was an Executive at Fox.. HIM: Oh no wonder she was embarrassed. ME: Exactly, and he had the NERVE to […]

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Medical Priorities

(Me and My Cardiologist) HIM: Whew! HOW Much cologne do you have on? ME: Are you saying I’m wearing too much cologne? HIM: Not if you’re a rugby team. It smells like a French Brothel in this room. ME: Well YOU would know. You spent a lot of time in France HIM: I have some WONDERFUL NEWS ME: Really what? HIM: Amy’s back in town and she can take over your admission and they can BLOW UP her digits NOT mine cause I have more important things to deal with. ME: Like what? Your hair. HIM: Precisely! I’m going to Rome and I have to have my hair cut correctly […]

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Chernobyl

Me And My Evil Cardiologist ME: Walter… HIM: Dr. Gordon… you sound upset. ME: Do NOT SPEAK to me. HIM: Well okay, but you called me. ME: How DARE YOU SET ME UP for all of the IMAGING STUDIES! HIM: But you LOVE imaging. ME: Not down stairs at Chernobyl HIM: I can’t get involved with this petty squabbling between UCLA and Cedars Imaging. ME: There’s no petty squabbling! UCLA does imaging and Cedars has that expensive WASTED Chernobyl they call imaging… with patients walking out glowing… HIM: We call that afterglow… something you probably haven’t experienced in a while. ME: And ANOTHER THING I’m NPO… and they are DRAGGING […]

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A Nursing Challenge

Me And My Nurses THEM: Good morning, we’re your nurses. ME: I have TWO nurses. THEM: Yes… ME: How come I have two nurses. THEM: Because we don’t have enough nurses to give you 3. ME: Are you saying I’m needy,.. THEM: No, We are saying we love you Dr. G… but we also KNOW you.

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Quibbling Over Wagers

Me And My Cardiologist HIM: I’m looking at your strips (from the heart monitor) ME: Yeah…. HIM: You have been in consistent AFIB… No sinus rhythm ME: Gee Wally, What do you want to do? HIM: I want to strangle you with my stethoscope, so MAYBE you’ll get the hint. I HATE being called Wally. ME: Okay, Wally, I’ll think about it. So what should we do? HIM: We could cardiovert you. ME: The electrical shock thing—NO! You just want to play with my moobs… HIM: I’d rather play spin the bottle in a leper colony. ME: Okay so how long do I have? HIM: For what? ME: Before I […]

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Hollywood Infirmary

Me and My nurse HER: Dr. Gordon! Welcome back! We heard you were in the ER. And then you didn’t come up. We were afraid you went to South Tower. ME: No, South Tower’s too ghetto. You know my heart is here. HER: You look great. You’ve lost a lot of weight. ME: Yeah, Get the scale. And guess what I’ve taken up fruit carving. (I show them some pictures) HER: Oh this is great. Can you teach us how to do this? ME: Of course, it’s REALLY easy. HER: It’s SO GOOD to have you back! It’s been over a year. ME: It’s good to be back. I was […]

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State Of The Union

HIM: How are you? ME: I’m fine. What are you doing up? You get up for work at 4:00 A.M. HIM: I can’t sleep. I’m worried about you. ME: I’m fine. I know all the nurses and CPs they’re so glad to have me back. HIM: It’s too quiet here. I’m used to sleeping with you on the phone, on the computer, crunching ice cubes, taking in your sleep. ME: You’re insane. HIM: Of course I’m insane. I married you.

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Firemen Friendly

HIM: Good morning. ME: How was your swim? HIM: Great. You know the Fire Department is having a big hiring spurt. I’m thinking about becoming a Fireman. ME: It’s too dangerous. HIM: Being an Ocean Lifeguard is dangerous. ME: I don’t like that either. I wish you would get a safe job. HIM: I don’t want a woose job. ME: Well at least they are phasing out the pole. In the new stations they don’t have them. HIM: (sarcastically)And they don’t use dalmatians anymore… What’s your point? ME: Well that’s important cause the poles are dangerous. You can get hurt sliding down them. HIM: The poles are dangerous? THAT’S what […]

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More Than One Way To Skin A Badger

(Me Amd Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) ME: Walter why are you calling so early? HIM: Because Cardionet called me an hour ago… you’ve been off your monitor. WHAT is going on. ME: (thinking: floor length black drapes… what am I going to tell him. I can’t tell him I broke this monitor) Oh I can explain. HIM: Then explain. ME: Well… first can I talk to you about something? HIM: Of course you’re my friend, what is it? And make it quick. ME: (A TOTAL LIE) Well CAA is setting up a meeting with me and Dr. Oz. We might do a weight loss show together… HIM: WHAT? MEHMET […]

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Negrodophilus

Me And My Nurse HER: Dr. Gordon I don’t understand this medicine that Dr. Kerwin put in your discharge summary. It’s not on hospital formulary and I can’t find it listed in the PDR ME: What’s the name of it? HER: Negrodophilus ME: oh he means red wine. HER: Are you serious? Aren’t you offended? ME: Of course not. HER: Why not? ME: Cause then he would have achieved his goal.

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No Place Like Home

HIM: Oh honey I’m so glad you’re home! ME: It’s good to be home. HIM: Are you mad at me? ME: No, why would I be mad at you? HIM: For something I did wrong. ME: Why do you think you did something wrong? HIM: Well because everyday for the last 25 years I’ve done something wrong. ME: True. But I’m not mad at you. (Then I see my favorite bonsai tree dry as old armadillo feces) What happened to my tree? HIM: I watered it. I swear, I watered it. ME: It’s parched… all of the leaves are brown. I TOLD YOU to water the bonsai. HIM: I watered […]

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Purgatory: Up Close and Personal

(Me & Wally the Evil Badger Cardiologist) HIM: What the hells been going on in this room? ME: Nothing why? HIM: It looks like a parking lot after a Heavy Metal concert in here. ME: Oh me, this young director I know and some of the nurses had a little soire last night. HIM: I can tell. Your face looks like a Frat house couch. ME: (looking in the mirror There’s graham cracker crumbs embedded in my face.) It’ not what you think. HIM: mhmm…. so HOW MANY graham crackers did you eat. ME: None. I was sitting in the chair, people were eating graham crackers on my bed…, and […]

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The Art of Massage/The Science of Seduction

(Me and the Lymph Massage Therapist) HIM: Hi Dr. Gordon, My name is Steve, the woman who usually does your lymph massage had to get her TB test so I’ll be doing you. ME: Oh if only that could be true. HIM: Huh? ME: Hmmm… butchalicious AND slow… Maybe God’s not a lesbian after all) My phone rings: “The Victors” Ringtone. HIM: Oh you’re a Michigan fan. ME: It’s my alma mater. HIM: Really? (His eyes light up) You guys stole our coach. ME: Oh you went to San Diego State? HIM: Yeah, I played football there. ME: Really? (My eyes light up) Well that explains your body by death. […]

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The Orgasm Diet

HIM: Good morning, I’m back. ME: How was your swim? HIM: Great. So I read an article about a 750 pound black woman ME: Yeah, and so… HIM: Well she’s lost over 300 pounds… ME: Great! And… HIM: And her husband only weighs 140 pounds, and he’s white too.. ME: And your point is… HIM: She has been losing weight because her husband makes sure that she has 16 orgasms a day. ME: Where are you going with this? HIM: You know I weigh 155 pounds… ME: So lose 15 pounds and get back to me. HIM: Seriously? THAT’S your first thought? ME: (Thinking: No, Actually, My FIRST thought was […]

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Curse of The MWT

Me & My Cardiologist ME: Hey Wally… I’ve been downtown to the produce and fish market… I have avocados and red peppers for you HIM: DON’T CALL ME WALLY… and Thanks. How’s your foot? ME: it still hurts, but better. HIM: How many pain pills did you take today? ME: None I had to drive downtown. I didn’t want my judgement impaired. HIM: You mean MORE Impaired. ME: What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? HIM:It means in the RARE instances when you demonstrate any judgement at all… it’s impaired. ME: My judgement is flawless… HIM: I BEG to differ. ME: Don’t you do enough begging trying to get […]

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Cousins…

Me & My Cousin HIM: Hey cuz, I came to check up on you. Where’s what’s his name? ME: He’s at work. HIM: Good. ME: Be nice. HIM: Sorry. How is the little fella? ME: My husband is fine. Stop calling him “the little fella” HIM: Whatever… do you need anything? ME: Some more wine. HIM: Should you be drinking wine? ME: Whose the doctor here? HIM: Okay. (pours me some wine…I spill it on his white shirt) SHIT! You’re drunk! ME: Correction. I’m drunk and stoned. So how’s law school? HIM: Boring. I’m too old for that shit. I’m going to be 53 by the time I get my […]

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Life’s A Beach

HIM: You know a big part of my day is having to pose with girls in bikinis. ME: So. Just pretend they’re drag queens. What’s your problem? HIM: I’m just saying that a big part of my day is usurped with having to pose with teeny bopper lifeguard groupies and tourists who adore me. ME: Even though in your Baywatch drag your legs look like two toothpicks stuck in an old maraschino cherry. HIM: You don’t have to be an asshole ME: Yeah, I pretty much do. HIM: My job is NOT posing for pictures. I’m not you. I don’t need that kind of attention. MY job is to protect […]

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A Day In The Life

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. How are you? ME: I feel like I’m carrying Conway Twitty’s love child and wearing lime stretch pants, a “Hello Kitty” maternity top and corky’s standing in a laundromat with a clothes basket full of tube tops. HIM: That good. ME: I had a driver who just happened to be Asian, and just happened to be old… who just happened to not be able to drive a nail through a meatloaf. HIM: Well that’s not necessarily bad… I mean… is it one of your meat loafs? ME: Do NOT play with me. I will take you to Toys R Us and get you a pail, […]

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Bitches

Me & Lulu (our old English sheepdog) ME: Lulu move, I have to get to the scale it’s weigh day. HER: woof woof (EVERY Sunday, you disrupt my nap to weigh. Let me save you the time… YOU’RE STIILL FAT… ME: Would you please move! Why are you such a bitch! HER: woof woof (Because I’m a female dog. What’s your excuse?) ME: Oh great I lost 7 pounds. HER: (woof woof) probably from the haircut. You don’t look any smaller. ME: Go get the ball! HER: woof woof (You go get it, you threw it). (HE comes home.) HIM: Lulu I brought you a treat! HER: woof woof (Oh […]

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Bieber and Cauliflower

HIM: Justin Bieber is disgusting. He looks like a girl. ME: That’s a sexist remark. HIM: And he says the stupidest things like that comment on rape and abortion. ME: Who listens to a 16 year old? He just got pubic hair last week. HIM: Well he disgusts me. ME: Hmmm… do I detect a little jealousy here? HIM: WHAT? Why would I be jealous of him? ME: You know you hate other blondes. HIM: That’s a lie! You say that but I do not. ME: Name one blonde that you like. HIM: Madonna, Lady Gaga, Nicole Kidman, Kat Ahlers, Cynthia Burr, Lillian Muller, ME: Name one blonde GUY that you […]

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BOTTOMS at the Beach

HIM: I had a TERRIBLE day. ME: (thinking: Oh let the fun begin) Really what happened (As if I don’t know) HIM: it was a HORRIBLE! Two clubs decided to have a outing at my beach. ME: So? HIM: So ONE was the Brotherhood Of Truly Trendy Obisidian Men’s Society or BOTTOMS.. and THE OTHER… the CCCC Conservative Congregational Christian Conference. ME: Oh Bottoms came to your beach. You know my friend Miss Scotty’s is Vice-Princess of that group. They said they were coming to LA. I suggested they come to your beach. HIM: What is wrong with you? ME: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with YOU? HIM: I’ll […]

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The Jehovah’s Witnesses

(Saturday Morning… I just got home from an exhausting night that began at the spa & salon & ended up in the Peninsula Hotel with some bimbos du jour and some random prince from Dubai… the door bell rings… my jaws are rigid, my lips are tight, BUT my coif is FLAWLESS.  I go to the door.) HIM: Good morning sir, We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and we would like to share some information with you. ME:  Come on in. (He and I shake hands, I scratch his palm and say): Moo Moo Cowboy. HIM  (Withdraws his hand quickly and looks around, regains his composure) You have a very nice home. ME: […]

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Your Mother Warned You

HIM: Have you been out all night? ME: Is it morning? HIM: Yes. It’s 5:00 A.M. ME: Then I’ve been out all night. HIM: When did you leave? Where did you go? I thought I heard you come in around 1:00 a.m. ME: I did. I played some monopoly on line with my friend, then he went to sleep cause he was in Ohio.. and I was up and bored… so i called these girls I met at the salon…. HIM: Some sleazy Hollywood bimbos no doubt. ME: Actresses and models, one of them just had a huge spread in People… anyway they were partying with this prince from Dubai at […]

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Mentoring: You gotta love it!

Top Ten Great Comments/Moments with the kids I mentor: #10 (Adam) Assignment: Make a list of your goals/ he scribbles out an illegible list takes a picture of it with his phone and forwards it to me. #9 (Russ) I call him he says, “I can’t talk Billi I’m driving, I’ll text you.” #8 (Duan) We’re on the phone (some girl walks by wearing high heels) He says, “I hear high heels” (I say how can you hear high heels over the phone?) He says, “I told you I was gifted, now do you believe me.” #7 (Randall) “Well my dream job is interviewing lap dancers but I’ll take Sports […]

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All Nightmares Are Real

HIM: Wake up! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare. ME: Oh it was terrible. I dreamt I ate wheat. French bread, slathered with butter! HIM: (laughs) ME: What are you laughing at? That’s not funny! You know I’m wheat free. HIM: Your nightmares are always so ridiculous. ME: They are not. They’re VERY REAL and VERY SCARY. HIM: You ate French Bread with butter? Seriously, to quote you, “You’ve had worse things in your mouth”. ME: (Pissed) Yeah, well I won’t anytime soon. HIM: You have to admit over the years you’ve had some pretty funny nightmares. ME: I have not. HIM: There was the time you dreamt Divine won an […]

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The Good Old Days

HIM: (Triumphantly) I FIXED the stove. The oven and the broiler work perfectly now. ME: (Distracted, writing) That’s nice. Good for you. HIM: Well. ME: Well what? HIM: Well aren’t you going to use the broiler? ME: No, I’m doing a hemp protein fast today. HIM: But I just fixed the stove. BROIL ME SOMETHING! ME: Broil yourself something I’m writing. HIM: See this is what’s wrong with Gay marriage. A woman would be grateful and broil me something. ME: Oh yes… how we ALL long for the days when men were men and women were grateful.

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Always Look A Gift Camellia In The Mouth

HIM: Honey I bought you a camellia. ME: You bought that for you. I HATE camellias. I want a bird of paradise and some palms. Palms are on sale for $10. HIM: Palms are all wrong and I HATE bird of paradise. ME: They’re orange and orange looks great on me. HIM: Then go to the Beverly Hills Hotel, and sit by the driveway, they have them all over the place… tacky, tacky. ME: This is about your childhood issues with the Beverly Hills Hotel and getting in trouble for vandalism. HIM: It wasn’t vandalism. We were recreating the Swiss Family Robinson’s in our back yard, and we just dug […]

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Memory Loss: The Reward at the bottom of every bottle of booze

HIM: What are you thinking about? ME: The time I got high on quaaludes in Columbus and went to a Bob Seger concert at St. John’s Arena in 1978 HIM: (Rolls his eyes) What’s so special about that? ME: The next thing I remember was waking up in one his roaddie trucks at Arrowhead Stadium a month later wearing the same jeans but a different halter top. HIM: A month later? ME: I vaguely remember something about being in Pittsburgh, yeah, backstage at Civic Arena… but it’s fuzzy. HIM: Your life is fuzzy, fuzzy and sleazy. ME: Boy were those jeans stained. HIM: Your life is a stain. ME: Don’t […]

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“The Michigan Difference”

2:30 A.M. HIM: Are you awake? ME: I doubt it because if I were, I’d be strangling you. HIM: I just wanted to spend some quality time with you. ME: We spent the whole evening together. HIM: You were watching the hockey game and I was playing on the computer. ME: We were in the the same room–it’s quality time technically. HIM: I just wanted to talk… ME: (Thinking: OMG He’s like a woman that can fix things. I’m married to a lesbian) (Sigh) Talk about what? HIM: You know it was Queen Elizabeth’s jubilee. ME: You disturb my MUCH NEEDED beauty rest to talk about some other old queen, […]

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That Dress…

(Me & My Mother back in the 80’s in West Hollywood) HER: You KNOW that dress is TOO SHORT. You’re scaring animals and little children. ME: I have an autograph signing and my fans will LOVE it. HER: Only if they’re Blind… speaking of blind whatever happened to that nice blind boy that used to come over here with that homely white girl? ME: You mean Stevie Wonder and Karen Knotts? HER: Yeah, I forget these kids names. He was a nice fellow, Somebody need to tell him about that hair though. ME: He’s a gifted musician. His hair is fine. HER: He did say he was trying make some […]

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Light Years

5:00 A.M. (I wake up I see the shadow of a man outside my window with an axe… I call 9-1-1. ME: Robert! Robert! Where are you? There’s a man out side the window with an axe!!! HIM: It’s me I’m trimming the ficus trees. ME: At 5:00 in the morning? That’s ridiculous HIM: Who made you the tree trimming police. ME: Police OMG. (try to call 9-1-1 back.. too late, sirens, police are all over the yard… I go to the door to explain) Sorry Officer it was my husband. He decided to trim the ficus at 5:00 a.m. I thought he was a prowler, but it’s his fault […]

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Dark Meat

ME: Hi Honey I’m home. HIM: How was USC? ME: USC was great. They love me. Traffic was abominable. HIM: You were being chauffeured ME: What’s your point? HIM: My point is your ridiculously spoiled. I have to fight horrible traffic. You just have to sit back and listen to music or watch TV, or drink a refreshing beverage. ME: OKay, you’re pain is real, let’s move on. HIM: What should i have Patrick make for dinner? ME: You’ve been here all day and you’re just now thinking about this? HIM: It was my day off. Anyway, I like it better when you cook for me. ME: What do you want? […]

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APA Scratchers

HIM: Wake up, I just wanted to say Good morning, going to work, good bye. ME: What time is it? HIM: 5:00 a.m. gotta run I’m late. ME: Late? The sand isn’t even at the beach at this hour. HIM: Trust me, surfers are at the beach. ME: Fine, good night. HIM: Don’t rearrange the plants on the back patio. I have them in the right places to get the right amount of sun. ME: (Thinking: oh that’s right, THAT’S what I have to do today… rearrange the pots on the back patio and correct the feng shui) Of course not… I will leave them just like you had them. […]

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The Patio Wars Rage On

HIM: So I’m moving the marginata back into a pot and thinking of putting a fuchsia in that place. What do you think? ME: I think the marginata is fabulous where it is. HIM: It doesn’t fit there. It’s not the right kind of plant. ME: It’s like Diana Ross and the other plants are like the Supremes. HIM: No it’s like Diana Ross and a Mexican marimba band. ME: Lies and vicious rumors… the plant stays! HIM: It goes, and by the way I rearranged the patio. It was all wrong. My dahlia will get too much sun where you had it. ME: And let me guess you moved […]

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The Patio Wars…

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. I had a terrible day. I forgot my sunglasses, had to use my emergency back ups. Do you think they look terrible on me? ME: (Without looking, I know the answers to this quiz) No they look great. I like them better in some ways. HIM: Really” Good. Cause it’s tourist season you know and they all want to have their pictures taken with the lifeguard… ME: Of course, (thinking… and he calls me vain) HIM: How was your day? ME: Lesbian like. I staked the tomatoes in the vegetable garden, put mulch in garden and the front flower beds, rearranged the back patio, took […]

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Cleaning Out My Closet

HIM: (Hysterical) What’s going on? Are you leaving me? ME: You know your karma is too bad for that to EVER happen. HIM: Then why have you taken down all of your awards and dismantled your trophy case? ME: That boy doesn’t live here anymore. HIM: What do you mean? ME: I mean success is measured in the moment, not in the past, or by public opinion. It’s not important how many awards I’ve won, what degrees I’ve completed. What’s important is am I being the best I can be right here, right now. HIM: Are you sure you’re not planning to run away with Jamarr? ME: You know I don’t […]

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Mutha’s Day Present

ME: I want to have a word with you. HIM: Oh oh. What’s wrong? ME: Tucker called me. You remember Tucker, you remember the child you sired out of wedlock, well not OUT of wedlock cause you were MARRIED TO ME. HIM: Yes, yes, yes. What happened? ME: He wanted to know what I wanted for Mother’s Day. HIM: Oh yeah, he asked me what you wanted. ME: I know and THAT is what I am pissed about. You told him to get me a mirror or ask for my autograph? HIM: I was joking. ME: No you weren’t. HIM: I was, I SWEAR. He wants all of us, me, […]

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The Ring Finger

HIM: Hi honey I’m home.  How was your day? ME: One repossessed double wide and a dead dog away from a Country and Western Song HIM: What happened? ME: There was a table malfunction at USC and my finger got smashed. HIM: That’s terrible. ME: Well not really. HIM: Why not? ME: Because I can take some oxycodone without guilt. HIM: Why don’t you just try a Tylenol? ME: Cause I don’t like to squander opportunities and how often do I get a legitimate reason to do a schedule IV drug. HIM: You’ll never change. ME: What? I have TOTALLY changed. HIM: No you’re still a druggie ME: Not practicing.  […]

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Punt, Pass & Kick

ME: Oh look… Punt, Pass and Kick. HIM: What’s that? ME: It’s this competition for kids. See these kids are from all over the country. I was in that. I came in 47th. HIM: 47 in all the kids in the country? Wow that’s impressive. ME: No. 47th in all the kids in my grade in my town.

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The Seven Deadly Sins

HIM: Can I ask you some dumb questions? ME: Better than anyone I know HIM: What do you think about the 7 Deadly Sins? ME: We’re Catholic… technically we have 9. HIM: Why? ME: Cause God knows us better… I dunno… we just do. HIM: What are they? ME: Lust, Greed, Sloth, Acedia, Wrath, Envy, Pride, Vainglory, and the last one escapes me… HIM: Gluttony. ME: Oh yeah, always forget that one. HIM: No comment. ME: Hahahaha… I’m not alone, put some ice cream or cheesecake in front of the average person and see what you get (we laugh) HIM: What the hell is acedia? ME: See this is why […]

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Catfish and Cheese Dip

ME: I cooked some broccoli for you, and broiled some chicken. HIM: Oh I picked up something from Whole Foods–roast chicken. ME: Fine.. If you would rather have STRANGERS cook your food than me… that’s FINE with ME! HIM: They’re not strangers, I’ve been going there since we got married. ME: I’m making some boullabaisse for dinner but it’s just for me. HIM: (Relieved) NO problem. ME: You don’t have to look so happy you don’t have to eat it. My boullabaisse is great. HIM: Your boullabaisse taste like Cream of Tsunami. ME: My boullabaisse is SO good when I’m cooking it if you knock on the front door the back […]

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In Sickness And Health 0

HIM: I’m calling in sick and driving you to the hospital. ME: No go to work. I have two of my girlfriends taking me. HIM: I should take you. ME: Don’t take this the wrong way but I refuse to be seen in your car. HIM: What’s wrong with my car? ME: it’s too lame. And I HATE the color. Tan, who drives a tan car? But you could drive me in my car. HIM: NO! I’m not driving a flaming red convertible chick car.. and the operative word is FLAMING… why not just paint “Old Queen In Mid Life Crisis” on the side. ME: You give me a headache. […]

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In Sickness And In Health 4

Me & My Nurse HER: Dr. Gordon, I am your nurse. ME: Condolences honey. HER: Why? ME: It’s a rough gig… trust me. HER: Oh no. I hear you’re lots of fun.
ME: Is this a naval hospital? HER: No ME: then I’m not lot’s of fun HER: I don’t get it. ME: You never will… let’s just move on. HER: Im going to take your history. ME: Well when I was born the Dead Sea had just taken ill…. HER: (laughs) So, Do you have hypertension ME: Does Charlie Sheen have issues? Doll I’m black, what do you think?  

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In Sickness And In Health 3

HIM: Good morning did I wake you? ME: No… I had a terrible night’s sleep… I felt like the princess in Princess And The Pea. HIM: That’s too bad. Are you worried about this surgery? ME: No this surgery is minor… heart related… not worried about it… this is not a die on the table surgery. They probably only lose 5 or 6 patients a year in this procedure. I have much more serious problems. HIM: What? What’s going on? ME: I told you I didn’t sleep. We could pack for a world trip with the bags under my eyes. I look like Hilary Clinton forgot to take her water […]

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In Sickness And In Health 2

HIM: Hi honey, I miss you. ME: I miss you too. HIM: I’m sick, I have a terrible cold. I’ve been sick since you’ve been gone. ME: I’ve been gone one day. HIM: It seems like a year. I’m coming to visit you. ME: No, don’t. It’s a long way down here, the neighborhood is gang infested, and I have to go back to nuclear imaging tonight at 10:00 p.m. for the 3rd part of the procedure. The surgical procedure failed… TWICE… I’m sore as hell. Frosty’s filming the stuff for Brant tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. I just need rest… HIM: But I want to see you. I miss you. […]

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In Sickness And In Health 1

ME: Oh Hi honey… what are you doing here? HIM: What do you mean what am I doing here? You’re in the hospital and we’re married. ME: You have a terrible cold and you should be at home. HIM: I see you’re right across the hall from the medication room… that must save your nurse some steps. ME: Don’t judge me. HIM: So what about the lump? ME: What about it? We’ll know what it is tomorrow. HIM: I’m so worried. ME: Why?… if it’s cancer, worrying is not going to fix it. If it’s not, there’s nothing to worry about. Never put today’s— HIM: I KNOW… never put today’s […]

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In Sickness And In Health 6

Me & The Chief Radiologist in Nuclear Medicine: (My phone rings… and my ringtone is Hail to the Victors–of course) HIM: Is that the Michigan fight song? ME: Yeah, I’m a Michigan alum. HIM: I’m an Ohio State Grad ME: (thinking… I heard this guy was brilliant…how can this be… I’m doomed.) HIM: So, have you made any plans? ME: For what? HIM: Your death. Cause if this isn’t cancer… I’m going to kill you… so you’re ticket is getting punched either way. (we laugh) ME: Yeah well at least you won’t miss OSU’s bowl game when they have your trial next year. HIM: Enjoy it while it last.. cause […]

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In Sickness And In Health 7

ME & GOD ME: Are you awake? HER: Of course I’m awake I’m God. ME: I’m scared. HER: You’re always scared of something–grow a pair. ME: I don’t want to die. HER: Everybody has to die, get over it–that’s just how I roll. ME: i know but I’m not ready to die right now. HER: If you’re not ready to die, you’re not ready to live. ME: Why must you be so infelicitous? HER: That’s way you like it. ME: What will happen to Robert and all my friends and family? SHE: That’s confidential you know I can’t tell you that. ME: Why must you be so Lesbian-like? SHE: Because […]

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in Sickness And In Health 8

ME & GOD HER: Well so how do you feel? ME: Relieved not to have cancer. HER: And so what did you learn? ME: That you will take care of me. HER: Yes, but no… ME: That Robert really believes he looks younger than me. HER: Wrong again– ME: That I have unfinished work to do. HER: Yes, but NO… come on think… I don’t have all day for this, I’m God I’m busy. Get the pigeons off your antenna and tune in 2012. ME: What then? HER: ughhhh…. remind me to give your grade school teachers a few days off from purgatory for service beyond the call of duty. ME: […]

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In Sickness And In Health 5

ME & THE VISITING NUN HER: It says your Catholic… I am Sister Mary Agnes from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows. I came by yesterday and this morning but there were TV cameras and photographers here they wouldn’t let me in. ME: Sorry about that. It’s about my TV show. HER: So are you famous? ME: Honey if you have to ask somebody if they are famous… they are NOT famous… HER: What’s your parish? ME: St. Augustine’s By The Sea HER: NIce parish. You attend Mass every Sunday? ME: Not exactly. HER: When was the last time you went? ME: Midnight Mass Christmas–I’m good until Easter. HER: (Stern look) […]

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in Sickness And In Health 9

Me and the Priest HIM: Sister Mary Agnes said I should come and hear your confession and give you communion. ME: What else did she say? HIM: She said I should be prepared to stay awhile… and probably pack a lunch 20 minutes later ME: So what do you think father? HIM: I think you’re very courageous. Most people would not admit they’re this sinful. ME: You think I’m lot more sinful than other Catholics? HIM: No, I just think other Catholics wouldn’t admit it.

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Convalescing

HIM: Oh hi honey, how are you doing? ME: Just like I was 5 minutes ago… I’m fine. HIM: Are you sure you don’t want me to come visit you. ME: Well the playoff’s are kinda on and… HIM: So watching the playoff’s is more important to you than talking to me? ME: (Thinking… yes… but of course that’s the wrong answer)… (Lying) Of course not. I’d rather talk to you than do anything else. HIM: Anything? ME: Well ALMOST anything… HIM: Oh you’re so romantic. ME: (Thinking… I meant eating ribs or watching Michigan football, but we can go with that in the interest of keeping the peace… and […]

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The Michigan Difference VS The USC Difference

HIM: Hi honey… ME: What are you doing here? (I’m watching the playoffs) HIM: I miss you. It’s too quiet and tidy at home without you. ME: I’m watching the playoffs? HIM: This room is a mess. Did housekeeping come? ME: Yeah a couple hours ago…I met some buddies down here… some doctors… and they been dropping in watching the game. We made a little mess…. So I’m getting discharged on Tuesday afternoon. HIM: I’m working… how will you get home? Maybe I should take the day off… ME: NO.. my girlfriends will pick me up and then we’re going shopping at the Produce Mart and at LA Seafoods, for […]

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Us Time

HIM: I’m SO glad you’re home. ME: Me too. (turning on the computer and the tv) HIM: I wanted to talk to you. ME: About what? HIM: I don’t know about something. Whatever I just want to spend some time with you. ME: Okay… Few Minutes of silence later HIM: I don’t want to fight with you. ME: Why would we fight? HIM: Cause you always start fights with me. ME: Okay… Well I feel the house is too clean and you’re just trying to say that Patrick could keep the house perfectly clean if not for me. You were DELIBERATELY being overly tidy. HIM: I think that you’re deliberately messy. […]

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Remembering Buster

HIM: Wake up.. I’m going to swim then I’m going to school, and I’ll be there the rest of the day. Promise me you’ll get some rest. ME: I will I just have to prepare for this meeting about the radio show, and check in with CAA about the TV show… and then check with Frosty about the stuff we shot at the hospital… and make arrangements with USC media relations so Frosty can go back and shoot some more stuff with the staff…. HIM: That’s NOT rest. Do I need to stay home and MAKE you rest? ME:No, that would NOT be rest (Thinking… good thing I didn’t tell him […]

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Obama’s Domestic Policy

HIM: Honey I’m home. Did you see the Republican debate? ME: Yes, then I had to go look at a picture of Barack Obama to settle my stomach. I feel sorry for the Republicans. HIM: I like Newt Gingrich. I LOVE this moon thing. I want to conquer space. It’s about time. ME: That’s cause you’re a conquer junky. HIM: Well it’s not like I’m going to vote Republican… but if we had to vote Republican who would you pick. ME: Ron Paul is the best one by FAR. HIM: No Gingrich. ME: I can’t believe you like him. Ron Paul is DEFINITELY better. I can’t believe you like Gingrich. […]

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Drilling, Diving, & Signing

HIM: I’m going swimming ME: How appropriate… today’s Greg Louganis’s birthday. HIM: What’s that got to do with anything? I go swimming everyday. And I thought you hated Greg Louganis… ME:I don’t hate him… we’re even friends on Facebook HIM: You use to hate him. ME: NO I didn’t… I was annoyed by that book thing…. but that wasn’t his fault that was West Hollywood’s fault. HIM: There were lines around the block for his book signing… unfortunate that your book signing was on the same day. ME: I only had a 153 people come to my book signing that day…my WORST book signing EVER…AND in WEST HOLLYWOOD,,, I mean I […]

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My Hope Chest

HIM: Hi Honey I’m home. ME: So what? HIM: Hmm…you’re slightly bitchier than usual. What’s wrong buttercup? ME: Don’t buttercup me… It’s day 14 since I gave up salt. HIM: Do you really miss salt THAT much? ME: Like Ike misses Tina. HIM: Well I guess I can throw out your mammy salt shaker… (looks at my Aunt Jemima salt shaker) Wow… this thing has been used more than Julian Lennon… all the paints worn off. ME: NO don’t throw it out. That’s a part of the china that was in my hope chest when I married you. HIM: Your hope chest? You had a hope chest? ME: Yeah… I […]

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The Montel Williams Blender

ME: You gave me your cold. HIM: Is your chest congested? ME: Like the 405 & 101 interchange at rush hour HIM: Are you dizzy? ME: Yup HIM: No I mean dizzier than usual. ME: I’m not dizzy, but yes, I’m VERY dizzy. HIM: Yep that’s my cold. And you say I never give you anything. ME: I know. I feel like I’m sitting behind J Edgar Hoover’s Tombstone hatching gnats. HIM: Okay translate into earth terms. ME: What do you mean translate? Obviously I mean horrible. Imagine how tacky J Edgar Hoover’s tombstone would be, and how difficult it would be to sit on a nest of gnat eggs […]

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Laryngitis

HIM: How are you? ME: I can’t talk. HIM: (sarcastic) That’s TERRIBLE, and on my day off… what a shame. ME: I can see HOW upset you are. HIM: Well maybe today I’ll be able to get a word in… hold on someone’s texting me. (The text is from me: “Don’t bet on it.”) XXX

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Curing the Common Cold

ME: (Slap Robert on the arm) HIM: Owww… what’s that for? ME: Thanks to you God has visited a plague on this house and that’s why we have these colds. (Open up a bottle of cough medicine) HIM: Can I have some of that before you go into Hollywood Starlette mode and start swigging it straight out of the bottle… ME: How else are you supposed to drink cough syrup? HIM: You’re not supposed to drink cough syrup. You’re supposed to take it in the plastic measuring cup they provide. ME: Well I wouldn’t know because before you I never had a cold. HIM: No, before me, you’re nose was […]

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When The Gifts Stop

(Watching TV) HIM: Oh look Billi, the Pandora Bracelet… that’s JUST the kind of thing I would have bought you when we were dating. ME: (Coughing and Wheezing) Yeah. HIM: Remember when I use to buy you jewelry, teddy bears, and send you flowers and candy for no reason? ME: Yeah, what happened to those days… You never give me anything anymore. HIM: What are you talking about? I just gave you a cold, and load of board shorts to wash.

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Super Bowl Sunday Showdown

Me & My Private Demon… HIM: It’s the Super Bowl, Order a Pizza. ME: NO! I don’t eat processed food. I don’t eat between meals. HIM: But it’s the Super Bowl. No one has to know. Robert’s swimming…., Eat the Pizza hide the box. You’ve done that a 1000 times… come on… Double cheese, pepperoni, sausage…. ME: NO! I would know. HIM: Yeah, but you can rationalize it to yourself. You didn’t go any Super Bowl Parties, you’ve been so good for so long, what’s one little cheat? ME: ONE CHEAT TOO MANY! HIM: Come on… Just click on Domino’s Online… and Build a pizza. ME: Well Okay… (Go to […]

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Butch But Bejeweled

HIM: So Debbie brought down some of Mrs. Carrillos Birthday Cake. ME: Did you eat it? HIM: Yeah, it was delicious. ME: Good. I had an apple and a pear for desert. They were delicious too. HIM: I wish I hadn’t eaten that cake. I’m going to burn it off. I’m cleaning out this closet. ME: (thinking… oh no… sugar high closet cleaning… this is NOT going to be good) HIM: What is this bolt of black cloth? I’m tossing it. ME: NO! That’s my muwashi. My sumo wrestling outfit. HIM: You mean that big black diaper that you had the audacity to wear on M-TV. ME: I was wrestling […]

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Dreamweaver

HIM: Owww… why are you hitting me? ME: Because of what you just did in my dream. HIM: It was a dream… and it was YOUR dream. Go back to sleep. Hour Later… ME: Owww… why are you hitting me. HIM: Because I dreamt I was a black woman smoking clove cigarettes and drinking a beer. What do you think it means? ME: Was it malt liquor? HIM: No. ME: Then the dream was flawed don’t worried about it.

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Cleaning Frenzy…Mostly Frenzy

The Phone Rings… HIM: Hi honey… I just called to say hi. ME: Do NOT SPEAK to me. HIM: What’s wrong? ME: I’m cleaning out and organizing the refrigerator… and I would like to know WHY you have 3 jars of peanut butter open and two jars of pasta sauce open and both of them half eaten… what kind of person does that? A fiend! That’s what kind of person! HIM: (lying) I didn’t do it. ME: Don’t lie to me… You make my head hurt. HIM: Well the refrigerator is so cluttered sometimes I just can’t find things… so I open a new one. ME: I would NEVER do […]

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Only 7 shopping days left to Valentine’s Day

(I’m watching Golden Girls, he’s doing homework) ME: These outfits were FABULOUS that they wore. HIM: I have to write a 3 page paper tonight, and be up at 6 for work. ME: You can write that in 5 minutes, you have a MUCH bigger problem. HIM: YOU can write that in 5 minutes, it’ll take me hours… and what problem. ME: Valentine’s Day is coming up and since I don’t eat candy anymore, what are you going to get me. HIM: I hadn’t thought about it. ME: There’s only 7 shopping days left, what do you mean you hadn’t thought about it. HIM: I’m taking 18 units, working 40 […]

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By Any Other Name…

ME: How do you spell your middle name… is it ay or ey… HIM: It’s Lindsay, like Lindsay Wagner ME: Or Lindsay Lohan… HIM: Why must you be so vicious WILBERT! ME: My mother only gave me that name because it was my father’s name and she needed a ride home from the hospital. HIM: Details… It’s STILL your REAL LEGAL name. ME: legal smegal, I have four or five legal names. HIM: NO, you have 1 legal name, and 4 illegal names that use interchangeably as legal names because basically you’re a narcissistic sociopath. ME: That’s redundant, a narcissist is a sociopath. HIM: And THAT is what you find […]

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Gay Marriage…

ME: So they overturned the ban on gay marriage. HIM: Who cares. ME: Queens who want to get married. HIM: Fools. Be careful what you wish for. ME: What the hell is that supposed to mean. HIM: Nothing dear. This rain is nice huh? ME: Don’t try to change this subject. HIM: I’m just saying, who needs a piece of paper to validate a relationship. ME: True or you could just do like we did, go down to the Registrar’s office and get a license and go to the church and get married. HIM: Not everybody is as convincing in a dress as you are. ME: So you admit I […]

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Cyn Cyn’s Visit…

The phone rings wakes me up. HIM: Hi honey it’s me. I miss you. ME: It’s 8:00 in the morning how could you possibly miss me already. HIM: I got up at 5:00 to go swim at 5:30…so it’s been 3 hours. ME: I need my beauty rest. You know Cynthia is coming today… and I need to look my absolute best. HIM: She’s one of your best friends. It won’t matter how you look. ME: You are so naive. That’s EXACTLY why it matters. HIM: What? ME: Do the math. We met when were actresses at Paramount. She’s a gorgeous blonde, and she still looks flawless HIM: You’re prettier […]

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In Case of Fire

HIM: Hi Honey. ME: Who is this? HIM: What do you mean who is this? WHO ELSE calls you honey? ME: We have a bad connection. I didn’t recognize your voice. HIM: Where are you? ME: What do you mean where am I? I’m at home. HIM: Oh okay… in that case, I’m going to the college and work out with the new swim team. My old coach asked me to come by. His sons and a lot of my old teammates will be there. It’ll be like old home week. ME: So… you wanted me to rush home from my afternoon with the girls to be here when you […]

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Cyn Cyn The Prequel

HIM: When’s Valentine’s Day? ME: Tuesday. HIM: It’s not today? I thought it was today. ME: Why did you think it was today? HIM: Cause you have that “he forgot an important date, and I’m going to make his life miserable” look. ME: No, Cyn Cyn is coming to take me to lunch at leaf, and I love Leaf… HIM: So what’s the problem? ME: I won’t be able to eat anything. HIM: Why? ME: Because my mother always said fat people shouldn’t be seen eating in public. HIM: Why, everybody knows you eat.

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The N Word

HIM: Good morning Honey you’re up early ME: It’s weigh day, and I’m excited about my radio show. HIM: How’d you do? ME: Down 4 pounds. HIM: I wish I could get more fat on my body. It would help me with my buoyancy, which is good for swimming. Fat floats. ME: I know. HIM: I bet. (laughs) ME: You know I could make you more buoyant. HIM: How? ME: I could just put you on a high buoyancy diet. HIM: I can imagine. No thanks. ME: It’s quite simple: Buoyancy force = weight of the object in empty space − weight of object immersed in fluid. HIM: Huh? ME: […]

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Hubby’s First Flea Market

ME: How was the Flea Market HIM: It was horrible. I hate this class. ME: Didn’t you learn anything? HIM: I learned I HATE flea markets, a bunch of Whiskey Tango people walking around buying tacky stuff from Lesbian couples. It was HORRIBLE… ME: It sounds horrible. You didn’t get beat up by a dyke did you? HIM: No, thankfully you weren’t there to insult one and get us beat up. ME: It’s not my fault they have no sense of humor and are violence prone. HIM: But guess what? I got to go in the Locker room at the Rose Bowl… and I bought some sweat socks for cheap. […]

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Valentine’s Day 3

HIM: HI honey how are you. ME: I’m in Beverly Hills, and this damn woman, who just happens to be Asian, is driving like the road is her driveway… HIM: Now, now, you’re beginning to sound like Brooke. ME: I am NOT sounding like Brooke… Brooke is racist… she hates all Asians cause Tucker’s dating one. HIM: She’s not racist. ME: Please! She said she didn’t like Laylee cause of Pearl Harbor… and when I said, Laylee’s Chinese… she said so what… and HOW DARE YOU defend your back alley concubine to me. HIM: She’s not my concubine and I’m not defending her. ME: Well your illicit congress resulted in […]

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Valentine’s Day 2

HIM: Happy Valentine’s Day! ME: Oh wow what’s this? HIM: Champagne & Strawberries. Let’s start the day off right. ME: Okay…. (An hour Later) ME: Wow. You’re the absolute best. I never realized how much I love you. I don’t know how I ever got along before you. And life wouldn’t be worth living without you. HIM: Is that you or the champagne talking? ME: Neither, it’s me talking to the champagne.

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Caesar’s Woman

HIM: Here, I got this for you. ME: Oh Perfume… How lovely. (Open it) Caesar’s Woman? HIM: Yeah… it’s like they made it for you. ME: Caesar’s woman? Really? More like they made it for you. HIM: What are you talking about? ME: I’m talking about your fantasy to take over Russia and establish yourself as Czar and conquer the world. HIM: My fantasy? Don’t you mean our fantasy? One of the reasons you married me was because I promised to make you Czarina. ME: I was young and naive. HIM: Please. I wasn’t even born when you were young and naive.

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Valentine’s Day

HIM: Well what shall we do for the rest of the night? ME: Watch TV HIM: But it’s Valentine’s Day, we should do something romantic. ME: Fighting over the remote is romantic. HIM: I think you should give me control of the remote as a Valentine’s Day present. ME: I gave you an exotic vegan dessert from Leaf that was delicious and healthy and sugar, flour and guilt free. And I gave you OTHER things. HIM: Yeah, but I want the remote. ME: That’s unfortunate… because you can’t have it. HIM: Did you like my Valentine’s E-Card? ME: It was the same E-Card I sent you. HIM: REALLY? ME: Yeah, […]

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Hangover

ME: Good morning Sunshine! HIM: Don’t talk so loud. I have a headache. ME: Did somebody drink too much? HIM: Oh God, I’m dehydrated… give me water quick. ME: Amateur Drunks. HIM: What did we do last night? ME: Memory loss, the reward at the bottom of every bottle of booze. HIM: Why do you look so sad. You didn’t get drunk. ME: Oh I’m just thinking about this radio show I’m doing with Lillian Muller in March. HIM: You love Lillian, she’s one of your best friends. ME: That has nothing to do with this. You know we’re competitive with each other. HIM: I know that both of you […]

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A Lock of His Hair

HIM: I’m home I’m freezing. ME: You’re all wet. HIM: Well i had Jet Ski Safety Training and it’s raining. ME: i made you some hot soup. HIM: Your boyfriend’s in town. ME: I know he’s staying at the Beverly Hilton. He’s doing a fundraiser in Holmby Hills, and he’s having his haircut by Flash. I need to go get my haircut. HIM: You just got a haircut…. ME: He’s not coming in the salon. She’s going to his room… that LUCKY BITCH. HIM: Imagine Billi, alone in a hotel room with Obama… go ahead salivate… ME: This is so sad. HIM: What? ME: I just realized you’re really old […]

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Y-M-C-A

HIM: (Singing & Dancing to YMCA) Wake up ME: It’s too early in the morning for the Village People. HIM: It’s never too early for the Village People. ME: That reminds me I need to call Felipe. HIM: Which one is he? ME: The Indian, but he’s really Puerto Rican. HIM: They’re all very nice. ME: Oh you just like them cause they sent you cowboy boots from Brazil, and bought your butch act. HIM: It’s not an act. I am VERY butch. ME: Oh please I’m the one whose really butch. I like football and eat red meat. HIM: There’s a drawer full of make-up, and a closet full […]

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Quizmo

ME: Good morning… How long have you been up. HIM: I didn’t really sleep last night. ME: Oh.. I fell asleep right after I got done taking to Quizmo. HIM: I know. Which reminds me what is wrong with you two? ME: Nothing why? HIM: You guys are always doing these ridiculous quizzes, like “Who was the captain of the 1925, 26 Michigan football team? ME: Bennie Oosterban that was easy. HIM: But who cares? I mean who needs to know what position Gerald Ford played? ME: Center. Give me another one. HIM: I am NOT quizzing you! I’m trying to make a point. ME: Which is? HIM: The other […]

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Lent 2

Me & My Girlfriend… driving home from the wholesale Fish Market & USC) HER: That was a great deal on shrimp, I’m going to make my husband a great Japanese meal tonight. ME: You know I’m going to do the same thing. I’m going to make Unagi, Salmon skins, and sashimi and maybe some seaweed soup. HER: You know we’re too good to our men. ME: We are. Maybe I’ll open a bottle of red wine. HER: I should too.. but then I’d have to drink it before Wednesday. ME: Oh that’s right Lent is coming up. HER: What are you giving up for Lent? ME: Dignity.

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Hubby’s First Swap Meet

(Two hours of much slicing, dicing, & festive food arranging) HIM: Honey I’m home. ME: I made you a great dinner. HIM: Not hungry. Ate a burrito on the way home. ME: WHAT? HIM: How was I supposed to know you would make dinner, Let’s face it, the smart money is NOT on that happening, ME: Fair enough, So how was your afternoon? HIM: HORRIBLE I had to go to another Swap Meet for my “Leisure in Contemporary Society” class. ME: How many do you have to go to? HIM: Two this was the last one. Thank God! IT WAS WORSE THAN THE ONE AT THE ROSE BOWL. ME: Are […]

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Fake Quake

ME: (Waking up, thinking I want to wake him up, but that would be rude… it’s 3:00 a.m… I decide to fake an earthquake… I start shaking the bed) HIM: Huh, what’s going on? ME: We’re having an earthquake? HIM:(suspicious) Funny Lulu didn’t wake up… dogs are usually sensitive to these things. ME: You know Lulu can sleep through anything that mutt’s not normal… anyway, as long as we’re both up. HIM: Yesssssssssssssss…. as long as we’re both up NOW… ME: You know I was looking at our yard yesterday. We have the worse lawn on the block. HIM: I know, and the inside of our house looks like a […]

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Zipper Museum

HIM: How are you this morning? ME: Great Michigan beat Ohio State in Basketball last night. HIM: Yes, I heard; the whole neighborhood heard. ME: I thought you were asleep in the back room. HIM: Nahhhh… I just go in the back room and put in some of those MRI earplugs you use in your research when you’re watching a Michigan game. Then I come back when you pass out. ME: Have we become that routine? HIM: Yeah, we’re Dullsville, Population 2. ME: Well we should do something. HIM: You mean besides work, play on the Internet, fight and occasionally mate. ME: Yeah HIM: What should we do? ME: Hmmm…. […]

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Some Air

HIM: Honey, what are you doing? ME: I’m exercising. HIM: I know that, but you just got up and started exercising. ME: It’s my new routine I worked out with my life coach–the first hour of my day begins with exercise. HIM: That’s great, I always exercise for 2 hours before I go to work, usually I swim for one, then bike or lift weights for another hour, then come home wake you up and go to work. ME: (competitively): Well I can exercise for two hours. HIM: (Doubtful) What will you do for the second hour? ME: I don’t know. Which do you think is higher impact Facebook or […]

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Lent

ME: What are you giving up for Lent? HIM: I’m not religious. ME: That has nothing to do with it. You have to give something up for Lent. HIM: Okay I’ll give up Negro Food, ME: You have to give up something that you’ll miss. HIM: Okay, I’ll give up buying you things. ME: You can’t give that up. HIM: All right, I’ll give up yard work. ME: NO! You were raised Catholic you know better than this. It’s Lent, we have to suffer. HIM: Okay, I’ll give up boners. ME: NO!! You can’t give up THAT! HIM: Why? That would be suffering. Trust me! ME: That’s TOO much suffering, […]

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M.R.S. Degree

(Me & One of my former students on the phone)’ HIM: Dr. Gordon? ME: Yesssssss? HIM: You sound out of breath are you okay? ME: I was exercising. HIM: That doesn’t sound like you, exercising in the morning. ME: It’s a new phase. What’s up? HIM: I hate residency. I don’t think I can make it. ME: Yes you can. HIM: It’s horrible. The nurses hate us. The patients don’t trust us. We work horrific hours, I haven’t been laid in months. I HATE THIS! ME: You can handle this. If it was easy to become a doctor everybody would be one. HIM: (starts sobbing) There’s this old nurse and […]

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Sweet Dreams

ME: Good morning. HIM: How’d you sleep? ME: Terrible. I dreamt I was eating an ice cream cone with my mother. HIM: Paging Dr. Freud. ME: No I also dreamt I was eating bacon and bread. HIM: I feel like I should go to church. ME: Why? HIM: And thank God I wasn’t chewed to death in the night. ME: This isn’t funny. My muscles ache. I’m not eating enough carbs. That’s why I had those dreams. HIM: So eat some more carbs. ME:: I can’t my class reunion is on July 28th, are you insane? HIM: Based on my marriage license…. yes.

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Let Them Eat Cake

HIM: WHAT are you doing? ME: Making a Birthday cake for young Dr. Korb like I always do on his birthday. HIM: I want a slice of it. ME: You can’t It’s for his party. HIM: I want a slice of it. He shouldn’t be more important than me. (Jealous) ME: He’s NOT more important than you. But Step AWAY from the cake. HIM: Look how much energy you’re putting into this. You made blue & yellow and chocolate frosting! ME: Robert, it’s a drop of food coloring and one second to make different colored frostings. HIM: (looking at the candles) 32? 32? You’re always going for these young guys. […]

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The Hood

HIM: Good morning honey. ME: Good morning. HIM: What are you doing? ME: I have a really fun day, ahead. Going downtown to get fish and veggies, then I’m going to write, then read the new Neuron, work on stuff for my radio show, and then watch Michigan beat Purdue! HIM: What channel is it on? ME: It’s not on TV… because we live in a terrible neighborhood. HIM: Terrible neighborhood? We live by the beach. This is a great neighborhood. ME: We can’t get the Big Ten Network here… it’s ghetto.

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Nerd Fest

(Me & My Cardiologist) ME: Hi Walter wassup? HIM: Does a cardiologist have to have a reason to call his least favorite patient? ME: I’m glad you called I’m downtown buying fish and veggies. What’s the name of that thing from Peru you want me to eat? HIM: Quinoa. They have it at Whole Foods. ME: I’m Black I don’t go to Whole Foods. I refuse to pay $5.00 for an apple. HIM: Yeah, but going downtown dealing with that element. ME: What element? HIM: It’s a little too proletariat for me. ME: You’re such an elitist. HIM: I’m not an elitist. I would just rather pay extra to shop […]

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Sneaking Past A Canary

HIM: Why do you have all of these pictures of guys on your FB page? ME: I dunno, they were cute. HIM: Who is this Arab guy? ME: I dunno, Sayed, or something HIM: Well I don’t like it. ME: Oh please, I just thought he was cute and deserved to appear on my page. I was just being nice. HIM: I’m not buying it cause you’re NOT nice, ME: I am too, and you know me, always shopping, never buying. I love you. HIM: I know you’re seedy! ME: I am NOT!  And I have NEVER been seedy. HIM: Please when I met you I use to have to […]

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One Banana Two Monkeys

HIM: Hi honey, you’re up early. ME: Yup, I’ve already exercised for an hour and written for 3. HIM: What time did you get up? ME: 3:00 A.M. It’s cause I went to sleep at 10 HIM: You did that cause I was in such a bad mood. I’m sorry. ME: It’s okay. It’s not your fault there were two monkeys in your head and only one banana. HIM: Wow.. Look at your night stand. ME: What about it? HIM: It’s got palates bands and free weights on it. ME: That’s in case I wake up and want to do some quick exercise. You know exercise feels really good. HIM: […]

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The Spearmint Rhino

HIM: So can I go to the Spearmint Rhino with my buddies from work? ME: That sleazy strip club downtown by USC? HIM: Well I don’t know how sleazy it is. I’ve never been there. I heard so much about it. ME: Sure go ahead, have fun. HIM: You’re mad. I won’t go. ME: I’m not mad. Seriously, go ahead, have fun. I’m sure Tucker would love a little brother. HIM: That was uncalled for. I won’t go. ME: I was joking. No seriously go. Oh and do me a favor. Tell Candy, Tiki and Amber I said hi. HIM: You know girls who work there? ME: Yeah, I know […]

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Alarming Discovery

ME: (Woken up by the sound of an Air Raid Siren) Robert? Robert? (No answer) Patrick could you come in here there’s some sound in my room. PATRICK: It’s Robert’s alarm clock. ME: Really? PATRICK: Yes, I’ll turn it off. Should I start breakfast now? ME: No I’m going back to sleep. (10 Minutes later it goes off AGAIN… I start pushing various buttons it won’t go off… Robert comes in with Lulu… they’ve been out for a walk) HIM: Oh honey I’m SO sorry. I woke up early, decided to take the dog for a walk and I forgot to turn off the alarm. ME: How long have you […]

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Facebook DT’s

ME: Honey I have a crisis. HIM: What’s wrong? ME: People are not able to see my posts on Facebook HIM: And this is a bad thing? ME: Yes this is a terrible thing! HIM: Seriously Billi, this is not a tragedy. ME: Can you believe this. Facebook does NOT answer their phone they have an ANSWERING machine! HIM: What I can’t believe is that you’re trying to call Facebook. ME: Of course I’m trying to call Facebook. This is a serious crisis. HIM: No, a heart attack is a crisis, an earthquake is a crisis, a Tsunami is a crisis. People not seeing your posts on Facebook is NOT […]

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Kitchen Chemist

HIM: Dinner was delicious. I really loved that pie. What was in it? ME: Quinoa, hemp protein, cacao, orange zest, apples, cinnamon and Splenda. HIM: Okay you’re starting to freak me out here. ME: Why? HIM: Cause this was really good. It can’t possibly be healthy. And you couldn’t have possibly made it, where’s the grease? ME: You know we’re an oil free/wheat free house. HIM: We are? ME: We are. HIM: But I usually hate that Vegan shit, how did you make it taste so good? ME: You know I love chemistry. And good vegan cooking relies a lot on simple chemistry, emulsions, colligative properties, eutectic mixtures and what […]

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Calling Hogs

(I wake up, he’s calling hogs–practically sucking the mini blinds off of the windows… I shake my head get up and start exercising) HIM: (waking up) What are you doing on the floor? ME: What does it look like I’m doing? HIM: Well it looks like you’re either having a seizure or trying to rock yourself back to sleep. ME: I’m exercising. And you need to see Ansari for a sleep study cause you’re snoring is really bad, and that’s not good. HIM: I don’t snore. ME: Have you ever wondered why Patrick never has to dust in here? Because you suck all the dust out at night. HIM: No, […]

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Toast: French And Otherwise

HIM: You’re freaking me out. ME: Why? HIM: Two days in a row I’ve woken up to you on the floor exercising. ME: So? HIM: I spent years getting used to waking up to you passed out on the floor using a Whiskey bottle as a pillow, a pizza box for a blanket, and pills stuck to your face. ME: Oh the good old days… I’ve moved on. Billi 3.0, sober, abstinent and centered. HIM: That’s scary. ME: Why? HIM: You might not like me now that you’re sober, abstinent and centered. ME: I don’t like you. I didn’t like you when I was a drunken drug addict foodaholic. I […]

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You Can Only Be Young Once… BUT…

ME: I am SO excited! HIM: Let me guess, Michigan won the Big Ten Badminton Championship. ME: Don’t be ridiculous that’s not until late Spring. And we are favored to win it… HIM: Of course. ME: I’m excited because a few kids from Michigan are here for Spring Break.. and they might stop by. HIM: How many is a few? ME: 20. HIM: And how long are they stopping by for? ME: A few days. HIM: How many days are few? ME: A week. HIM: The last time you held Spring Break at this house, it took me A WEEK to get the cereal crumbs and pizza crusts out of […]

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Spring Break In The Living Room

HIM: Wake up, say good bye to me I gotta go to work. ME: Good bye. So what’d you think of the Michigan kids last night? HIM: I thought they were great. ME: You’re just glad they’re staying at a hotel and not here. HIM: Why do you like to terrorize me? ME: Because it’s so easy. You come unglued at the least little thing. HIM: The thought of having 20 college kids on Spring Break stay in your house for a week with you supervising is NOT a little thing. ME: Oh come on these are Michigan kids they’re smart… they’re not going to stay with people their parents […]

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Sigma Chi, Delta Sig, Alpha Q

HIM: Good morning Sunshine! ME: Leave me alone, I’m exhausted, I have hypnosis at noon and I have to shoot all afternoon and I am… HIM: …feeling and looking like hell, because you were up 1/2 the night with your Michigan buddy taking about Michigan Sports… awww too bad…. mmm you do look terrible… pity… ME: What’s your problem? HIM: I heard you trashing USC. ME: (lying) I wasn’t trashing USC. HIM: (mocking) I’d like to play them in the Big House in November and see how good those woose’s are. ME: You were supposed to be asleep in the back room. HIM: Well if you weren’t so loud. I […]

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Prairie Fire or Birthday Cake?

HIM: Good morning, how was your workout? ME: The only good thing about it is its over. HIM: What’s the weather forecast for today. ME: Lesbian like, dreary and cold. HIM: Speaking of lesbians, I think my teacher broke up with her girlfriend. ME: Lesbian’s never break up. They’re very predictable… they move in on the first date, then get LBD HIM: LBD? ME: Lesbian Bed Death. So what do you want for your birthday? HIM: I want you to NOT call my friends and plan a surprise party. ME: You don’t have any friends. (Thinking… too late already did it) HIM: Seriously, I HATE surprise parties. ME: I LOVE […]

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Life’s A Beach!

ME: HI honey, it’s me. HIM: Why are you calling me at work? Is everything okay. ME: No, I can’t get in a writing mood. HIM: And what can I do about that? ME: Nothing. But I’m coming down to the beach to exercise and I’m stopping by your Lifeguard thingy. HIM: Why? ME: Cause I want to. HIM: Why? ME: I have a better question. Have you seen my pink and yellow fins? HIM: WHY? ME: Cause I’m going to go in the water, and I like for people to be able to see me from far away and enjoy me. HIM: Why? ME: Oh and I spoke to […]

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Missing Fins

HIM: I thought you were coming to my beach today. ME: I couldn’t find my fins. HIM: Oh too bad. ME: How was your day? HIM: It was fine except I was expecting a big disruptive storm to show up… but then you never came. ME: Are you insinuating I’m a disruption. HIM: No, I’m saying you are worse than a Tsunami. If I had my way, I’d make you wear a buoy with a bell, so when you got close to my beach, we could evacuate. ME: Who wants to come to your tacky beach anyway you run it like an anal Nazi with IBS. HIM: I am responsible […]

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Y Chromosome

HIM: Good morning. ME: Whatever HIM: What’s wrong? Are you still mad about your fins? ME: What fins? HIM: That’s what I like about you… the attention span of a ADD gnat. ME: Don’t bother me I have a lot on my mind. Michigan opens in the Big Ten Tournament today. HIM: Stop the world. ME: I can’t handle disappointment. I’m nervous, anything could happen. HIM: Michigan losing a basketball game is not disappointment. Disappointment is having an erection and running into a wall and breaking your nose first. ME: Unless you’re Jewish. HIM: You’re so racist. Anyway what time is this game? ME: 3:30, that’s why I have to […]

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The New Prozac

HIM: You’re up early. ME: Big Day, gotta go downtown and get fish and veggies, then come back and watch Michigan beat Ohio State like Ike used to beat Tina! HIM: Let’s just cut to the chase! (Mocking me) “He’s a beast!… Hey bro wassup! I was just about to call you. Yeah I saw that… Trey Burke is a beast! We could go all the way to the final four! Next year we’re going to be national champions in football and basketball… Dude we’re beasts… okay call me back at half time bro.” ME:I do not sound like that. HIM: You sound EXACTLY like that. Unless of course Michigan […]

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Cake Envy

ME: Okay, what do you want for your birthday tomorrow? HIM: (lying) I don’t want you to make a big fuss. ME: That’s not an option. Let’s move on. HIM: Seriously, I’m going to work all day, then go swim. ME: Okay, it’s your birthday, do what you want. We’ll celebrate when you come home. HIM: You’re not mad that I’m going swimming after work? ME: No, it’s your birthday, do what you want, now what kind of cake do you want? HIM: I’m trying to give up cake. You just want me to look old. ME: No I don’t. (Thinking… all right, if you insist, I’ll play) Okay, no […]

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Medically Speaking…

ME: Honey are you awake? HIM:(As expected, in a TERRIBLE mood) YES! I know. Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me. ME: Oh what’s wrong? (As if I don’t know) HIM: What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’M OLD that’s WHAT’S WRONG. ME: Oh that… yeah but you look great. HIM: NO I DON’T! I LOOK old. ME: (Hand him a birthday card… he rips it open) HIM: You’re not on this card. ME: So? HIM: You haven’t given me a birthday card that you weren’t on since I’ve known you. ME: I thought this one was more appropriate. HIM: (Reading the card) “Can’t face another birthday? … bend over and […]

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Gravy on the Ceiling

ME: Did you have a nice birthday? HIM: Yeah, I’m not as into these things as you are. ME: That’s cause you’re asocial. HIM: I’m not asocial, I am introverted. ME: Same thing. HIM: It’s not the same thing. Lot’s of great people are introverted. ME: Yeah, but who cares because they never party. HIM: Not everyone needs to lead their life as cacophonously as you do. ME: Oh really? I’m loud and raucous? Who has had more screaming fits? Who has broken more furniture? AND WHO flew into a fit of rage and threw an entire pan of gravy on the ceiling? HIM: Who’s married to YOU?

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A Rough Gig

(Me & God) HER: Well thanks for the laugh. ME: How dare you laugh at my struggles. This is not funny. I’m in the Grips of Grief. HER: You’re such a drama queen. In retrospect I should have made you one of the chosen people. ME: In retrospect you should have made me perfect. If you’re so powerful why can’t you just make me perfect? I want to be perfect. HER: Yeah I know, and the people in hell want iced beverages and central air–want, want, want… ME: You’re such a lesbian—just go away. HER: I’ll honor that request when you’re begging me to help Michigan in the NCAA tournament. […]

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Love is spelled o-m-e-l-e-t

HIM: Bye honey, I have to go. ME: You woke me up to say that? HIM: Yeah. I’m going to be gone all day. ME: (Thinking… oh good, I can get some work done, and go over my NCAA brackets with my buddy on the phone without judgment) HIM: You should organize this closet. ME: Why don’t you organize it? HIM: I didn’t mean you, I meant have Patrick organize it. You can just supervise. ME: Why don’t you supervise? HIM: Can’t argue with you I have to beat the tide to the beach. ME: That’s what’s wrong with lifeguards… who tries to beat the tide to beach. HIM: Surfers… […]

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Freud Calling…

ME: i found the perfect blender on sale at Bed Bath & Beyond. The NInja! HIM: I don’t believe you. ME: What do you mean you don’t believe me. It’s on the kitchen counter. HIM: I see the blender. And yes it was a great deal. But somebody else did this. Smart shopping is NOT your strong suit. You’re like my mother. ME: (Thinking, yes Marcia found this, but I found Marcia, so technically I found this) Oh RIGHT, I’m like a size 4, Beverly Hills socialite– HIM: You have ALL of their worst qualities. Hmmm… This looks like the work of MARCIA!!! ME: So Daniel (one of my godsons) […]

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It’s a White Thing

ME: Happy St. Patrick’s Day! HIM: You’re celebrating St. Patrick’s Day already. ME: I’ve been celebrating since Midnight… I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day! HIM: Why? ME: I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day cause it’s a holiday and I LOVE all Holidays! HIM: Because in your mind holidays are about drunken waywardness and gluttony. ME: And who made you the Party Police. HIM: Adulthood… but you wouldn’t understand that. ME: Come on you should LOVE St. Patrick’s Day, you’re part Irish. HIM: (Indignant) I have a TINY bit of Irish in me… on my MOTHER’S side… I am Austrian and German! ME: Whatever, Austrian, German, Irish, it’s all just white. HIM: See […]

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A Dog’s Life

ME & LULU (Our OE Sheepdog) HER: Woof Woof (Wake your fat ass up) ME: Lulu go away! HER: Woof Woof (I said wake up!) ME: Robert! Robert! Deal with this dog! HER: Woof Woof (Daddy left an hour ago, you spoiled lazy twit!) ME: Robert gets on my nerves he spoils the hell out of you and I HAVE to deal with it. HER: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof (I’m spoiled? I’m spoiled? You wouldn’t last ONE day as a dog. You’re not cute, fun or cuddly… but Purina would be making bank if YOU were a dog) ME: WHAT do you want? HER: (Woof, Woof Woof) What do […]

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Not Ready For My Close up Mr. Demille

ME: I’m concerned about this documentary HIM: Why? I thought the footage was great. ME: The director is putting the camera too close to my face… I look terrible. HIM: Now you know what I’ve been looking at all these years. ME: Bitch! I don’t look as bad as you. HIM: So you’ve been lying to me all of these years? ME: Listen I have a serious problem, seriously, these shots are too close. This is why I don’t like directors. HIM: Did you talk to the director. ME: Yes. HIM: What did he say? ME: Take it up with make-up and hair. HIM: Did you talk to make up […]

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Breakfast Conversation Without The Breakfast

HIM: Make me breakfast. ME: I don’t have time to make you breakfast, shooting some hypnosis early, and then dashing off to USC HIM: USC again? ME: Everyday for Six weeks. HIM: So what are you saying? ME: I’m saying I can’t make you breakfast. HIM: So what are you saying? ME: I’m saying that I can’t make you breakfast… HIM: So, I don’t understand, what are you saying? ME: I AM SAYING I cannot, and will not make you breakfast. HIM: Well I’m going to need a different answer. ME: Okay… here’s a different answer… Have Patrick make you breakfast, or make it yourself. HIM: This is why people […]

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Hubby’s Choice

HIM: Have you been up all night? ME: Is it morning? HIM: Yes. ME: Then I’ve been up all night. HIM: Doing what? ME: Writing. HIM: Why? ME: Because when you’re a writer you have to write when you’re inspired and you can’t be bothered by petty consensual realities like linear time. HIM: Oh of course, what was I thinking. ME: I don’t know. I’ve told you that a 1000 times. HIM: Sorry, sometimes I don’t listen to you. I just watch your jaw go up and down. ME: So what are you doing today? It’s your day off right? HIM: I’m going surfing. ME: But I wrote 45 pages […]

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Trophy Queen

HIM: Hi Honey I’m home. How was your day? ME: Horrible. I’m depressed. How was yours? HIM: I won this scholarship and they gave me this certificate. ME: Fabulous. I can’t wait to put it our trophy case. HIM: You are such a trophy queen. ME: No I’m not. HIM: You have a shrine to yourself in our dining room. ME: The TV show made me put that up there so they could film it. HIM: That was a year ago… ME: I haven’t had time to take it down. Plus I’m honoring the people who gave us our awards, and I have your trophies in their too. HIM: Only […]

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Sunny Side Down

HIM: Good morning sunshine (Laughing to himself) ME: What are you laughing at? HIM: I was remembering how much trouble you got in for teaching your students how to make Tequila Sunrises in class. ME: I was NOT teaching them how to make Tequila Sunrises. I was teaching them how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container… I was just making the subject interesting. HIM: A little too Interesting for UCLA ME: And THAT is what is wrong with education in America. Oh no! HIM: What? What is it? ME: My computer won’t come on! HIM: Do you want to use my computer? ME: Of course not. […]

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Amnesia Recipe

ME: Gracie got a tattoo yesterday. HIM: Really? Where? ME: On her thigh. HIM: One of my co-workers got a tattoo of her boyfriend’s face on her butt. ME: I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. HIM: Maybe you should get one of my face on your butt. ME: No that would be a TERRIBLE idea. HIM: Why? ME: At the rate I’m losing weight, by the end of April it would look like John McCain. HIM: Whatever… what are you going to do today? ME: I HAVE to get a haircut I look like a runaway slave. HIM: Your hair looks fine. ME It’s too long, makes me look old. […]

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Your FB Wall Is My FB Wall–NOT

HIM: What you thinking about? ME: Life, happiness, family, being kind. HIM: Oh you’re in monk mode ME: No, just thinking that’s all. What are you thinking about. HIM: Getting my swimming time faster, lifeguard training. ME: Oh you’re in Baywatch mode HIM: I HATE that! I’m just thinking about my swimming and my job. ME: Sorry, but that show gave you guys a LOT of good PR HIM: Whatever. So you’re thinking about family and being kind huh? ME: Yeah. HIM: Well I’m your family and making me some vegan chocolate mousse would be VERY KIND. ME: How dare you try to exploit my spiritual state of mind. HIM: […]

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Riot Gear

HIM: They have 3-D Breast mammograms now… mmm delicious. ME: What? What’s wrong with you? HIM: What do you mean what’s wrong with me? I’m married to you. THAT’S what’s wrong with me. ME: You’re welcome. HIM: Well I have stuff to do. ME: What are you doing? HIM: Cleaning out the garage. ME: Okay, I’ll make dinner for you. HIM: Thanks (hour later) HIM: Well it’s not there. I guess I’ll clean out the back closet. ME: Why HIM: Cause I think you and Dr Neavin are right. This Trayvon Martin ting is going to result in TERRIBLE riots. ME: I know it will. But what’s that got to […]

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The Facebook Diet

HIM: I see you’re on Facebook. ME: What’s your point? HIM: Well yesterday you made this BIG announcement about how you were ONLY going to spend 5 minutes a day on Facebook…Your “Facebook Diet.” ME: (Busy posting on Facebook, not paying attention to him) What’s your point? HIM: Your Facebook Diet is like the time you quitting eating red meat, and decided that bacon and sausage weren’t red meat. ME: I don’t eat bacon, sausage or ANY meat except fish now, so what’s your point? HIM: This is 20 years later, how were you right? ME: It’s not my fault I’m too complex for you to understand? HIM: You will […]

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Riot Gear

ME: What are you doing? HIM: Cleaning out the garage. ME: Okay, I’ll make dinner for you. HIM: Thanks (hour later) HIM: Well it’s not there. I guess I’ll clean out the back closet. ME: Why HIM: Cause I think you and Dr Neavin are right. This Trayvon Martin ting is going to result in TERRIBLE riots. ME: I know it will. But what’s that got to do with cleaning out the garage and the back closet. HIM: I’m looking for my “black owned” T-Shirt… that you got me for the LA riots.

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Tomato/Tomahto

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. WHAT is THIS? ME: Tomatoes. HIM: I know WHAT they are… Why are there 4 cases of tomatoes? ME: Marsha and I went to the produce district on the way back from SC… I got a FABULOUS deal on tomatoes 3 dollars a case. Marsha’s a beast when it comes to negotiating… and she speaks Spanish HIM: You speak spanish. ME: Not like Marsha. HIM: This is NOT good. What are you going to do with all of these tomatoes? ME: I’m going to make tomato juice, tomato sauce, and pasta sauce for you and Patrick, and I’m going to put it in jars for […]

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Trophy Husband

ME: I want you to help me dust the trophy case. HIM: You mean your shrine. ME: Don’t hate me for being ambitious. A man without ambition is just an dead man waiting to happen. HIM: I don’t have a problem with the ambition. It’s the pretentious part that’s hard to swallow. ME: It’s not hard to swallow for me. HIM: Nothing is hard to swallow for you. You could swallow the Washington Monument. ME: I was captain of the Sword swallowing team in college… it was a club sport so to speak … Don’t judge me. HIM: I’m not. It’s one of the best buttons on your dial… too […]

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Saltless in So Cal

HIM: Hi Honey I’m home. ME: So what? HIM: Hmm…you’re slightly bitchier than usual. What’s wrong buttercup? ME: Don’t buttercup me… It’s day 14 since I gave up salt. HIM: Do you really miss salt THAT much? ME: Like Ike misses Tina. HIM: Well I guess I can throw out your mammy salt shaker… (looks at my Aunt Jemima salt shaker) Wow… this thing has been used more than Julian Lennon… all the paints worn off. ME: NO don’t throw it out. That’s a part of the china that was in my hope chest when I married you. HIM: Your hope chest? You had a hope chest? ME: Yeah… I […]

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Police Brutality

(Outside USC Keck waiting for the car to take me home…. talking to a Campus Police Officer) HIM: So what kind of doctor are you? ME: Brain… I don’t go below the neck. But in your case I might make an exception. HIM: huh? ME: I love a man in uniform, especially when he’s out of it. HIM: HUH? (Crosses his arm) ME: Relax honey… if you’re going to run around here dripping in muscles and all butchalicious… you’re going to get flirted with. It’s your fault for looking so good. HIM: (smiles) Just so you know, I’m straight. ME: Good! no question of whose going to be on top… USUALLY […]

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Do You Smell Fish?

ME: So you know how you’re always telling me I should be more interested in politics? HIM: Yes… ME: I did something very political.  I started a change.org petition. HIM: Really, what kind of petition? ME:  It’s to Dave Brandon HIM: Who’s that? ME: The Athletic Director at Michigan. HIM: (Skeptical) And what’s the petition for? ME: To make him change his decision not to send the Michigan Band to The Cotton Bowl Classic. HIM: Are you serious? You started a petition on change.org for this? ME: Yeah, change.org rules the e-petition world. HIM: But how is this a political issue? ME: It costs 400k to send the band to […]

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Very unPC

ME: My computer came back from Apple today. They fixed all the problems… I LOVE Apple. They understand customer service. HIM: They understand serving THEIR type of customer. ME: What do you mean by that? HIM: They ship you a box, you put the computer in it, Fed X picks it up and they fix it and ship it back. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. ME: And it only took them 4 days from beginning to end. Apple Rocks. HIM: I can fix my own PC ME: Not really. HIM: Yes I can. ME: No you can’t because the only way to REALLY fix a PC is to turn it into a […]

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Family Jewels

HIM: Good morning. You tossed and turned and talked in your sleep. ME: I was having a nightmare about war between Israel and Iran…and Obama. HIM: You dream about Obama every night. ME: I do NOT and that’s a different dream. HIM: I had a nightmare too. ME: Really? What’d you dream about…. HIM: My Lifeguard station was moved to a planet that had two suns and I had no sun screen. ME: Something else is bothering you. HIM: It’s my friend at work. He’s fallen hopelessly in love and asked this girl to marry him. ME: What’s wrong with that? HIM: He spent two month’s salary on a wedding […]

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Catholic Guilt?

ME: Good morning. HIM: Who are these guys you posted on your page? ME: Just random guys–why? HIM: Take them down. ME: NO! HIM: They’re not even that good looking. ME: They are to me. I’m just window shopping not buying. HIM: You shouldn’t be window shopping. You have everything you need at home. ME: Do I? Hmmm… I didn’t get that memo. HIM: You only did this because you are pissed off about that comment I made about the 3-D breast mammograms. ME: (Thinking… it’s a good thing he’s cute and predominantly sweet… cause he’s slow as hell… FINALLY he figures it out.) HIM: Okay… I’m SORRY… It was […]

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Earthquake Preparedness

ME: Wake up! I have to talk to you about something important. I want a divorce. HIM: WHAT? ME: April Fools! HIM: That’s not Funny. (Groggily) Is it April Fools today? ME: Yes, HIM: No wonder you’re up and excited. It’s your 2nd favorite holiday. ME: How could you not know it’s April Fools HIM: The same way I could not know how many shopping days are left to Thanksgiving… Your other Favorite Holiday. ME:Yeah I never understood that in you. HIM: Of course not sweetie, because where you live… the busses just don’t go. ME: So it’s weigh day, I’m down another 11 pounds! HIM: Congratulations, I guess. ME: […]

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Nerdy Like Me

HIM: You know you’re the only person I can really communicate with. ME: Really? HIM: Yeah, you’re my only friend. That’s scary. ME: Why? HIM: Cause we’re married and most of the time I want to kill you and if I ever do, I’ll be friendless. ME: So just make a mental note not to kill me. HIM: You have a ton of friends. I just don’t get it. How does that happen. ME: The same way carbon and hydrogen atoms form a benzene ring… proximity and valence. HIM: See what I mean? You’re THIS NERDY and people STILL like you.

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7-11 is Always Open

HIM: I finally found something healthy at 7-11. ME: No you didn’t HIM: How do you know? ME: Cause there’s nothing healthy at 7-11. HIM: Yes there is. Lottery Tickets. Somebody won a million dollars on a scratcher. ME: I read that stuff you scratch off those tickets is carcinogenic AND bad for the environment. HIM: You’re SO EXTREME in EVERYTHING you do. You went from being a whiskey soaked drug addict, who would fry air… to this super sober, health food nut. ME: And that’s a bad thing? HIM: No it’s just you. It’s a never a bad thing with you, it’s just always a strange thing. ME: You […]

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Something Dirty

ME: Good morning…I made breakfast. HIM: Great. What did you make? ME: A goji berry, hemp protein, sprouted mung bean smoothie HIM: I would rather get a proctology exam from a blind leper who walks in with 9 fingers. ME: what do you want for breakfast drama queen HIM: French toast and bacon. ME: Not happening. HIM: But I love Bacon, French Toast, and real maple Syrup. ME: I can put a tablespoon of real maple syrup in your smoothie… but there’s no bacon in this house, HIM: I never thought I’d hear those words come out of YOUR mouth. No bacon? REALLY? ME: I think it’s time for us […]

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Costco

HIM: (Opening Mail) ME: Happy Easter. HIM: You’re going to hell. ME: What’s wrong? HIM: I got a letter from Costco about you! ME: I HATE Costco, it’s an exercise in lesbianism. HIM: So are you! LISTEN TO THIS: [one type=”separate” width=”400″] Dear Mr. Schallert, Over the past year, your “life partner” has caused repeated commotions in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and subsequently are forced to revoke your membership and permanently ban both of you from all Costco stores. Our complaints against Dr.Gordon are listed below and are well documented by video surveillance and substantiated by employees and patrons: 2011 June 15: Made a trail of orange […]

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I Love Lucy

HIM: Hi honey I’m home. ME: I see that. HIM: What’s wrong with you? ME: I was shooting all day. HIM: Shooting what? ME: Me planting a garden. HIM: Oh well that’s nice. ME: (Shocked) WHAT? What do you mean that’s nice? You ALWAYS have a fit when I plant a garden. HIM: As long as you’re neat about it, and don’t plant any contraband. ME: Are you having an affair? Why are you being so agreeable? HIM: You’ve already planted the garden right? ME: Yes, and I borrowed Mr. Carrillos shovel, and you’ll never believe what happened. HIM: You broke it. ME: How’ did you know? HIM: Cause you’re […]

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